The TA
by wuogkat
Summary: Bella has spent the past four years since the Cullens left studying. She finished her bachelors degree early and is looking forward to graduate school until her first day when she looks at her roster and sees two familiar names.
1. The TA

**A/n This story was inspired by DQRC's Seducing Miss Swan. We're starting out in a similar fashion but if you stick with me, you'll find that this is totally different.**

**Some of these chaps have been replaced from their original versions with one's beta'd by Knitmo who has been willing to make this better than I ever could on my own.**

**Starting with Ch 3 there will be music. **

I leaned into the turn and shot under the overpass at a thrilling speed. The wind whipped past and flapped the excess denim around my legs like it was lightweight chiffon. I passed a car and rocketed up the hill toward the parking lot.

'_I can't believe you still ride this thing.'_ His voice caressed the back of my mind like velvet. _'One of these days you are going to get yourself killed, and I won't be here to save you.' _The sound I was remembering almost made me purr.

I shook my head and defiantly urged the bike faster up the hill. I skid to a sideways stop directly into the last parking space cutting off a Mercedes with tint so dark I couldn't identify its occupants. I didn't trouble myself too much because they didn't have a parking permit, and I was in a hurry if I wanted to catch a bite to eat without being late for class.

I pondered the voice again for a moment as I pulled my helmet off, gently shaking my hair. It had been four years since I'd heard the man that it actually belonged to but since I took up riding a few months after that the voice was my constant companion. I set my helmet on the saddle and looked up to see the Mercedes still sitting there. I eyed it warily. I used to know a Mercedes just like that before… I shook that thought away.

"You don't have a parking permit, off you go!" I yelled at the car gesturing wildly. Some people really thought that they could do anything they wanted. I shrugged out of my padded leather jacket, it was September, I hated September. It was hot and sticky and still muggy from summer and my necessary jacket caused me to sweat excessively no matter how little I wore underneath it. But most of all, this September marked the four-year anniversary of a certain conversation in the woods. I started to fold my jacket and shove it into a saddlebag when I noticed that that car had still not moved. I shook my head, unhooked my bags from the bike and threw them over my shoulder, tucking the helmet securely under my arm. Something wicked crossed my mind.

"If you're waiting for me to move, I hope you enjoy disappointment!" I heard his voice when I said the latter half of that comment. It made me smile again. I was really masochistic for holding onto him for this long but pretending like he still existed as a staple in my life seemed to be working. I didn't date. I rarely went out. My only social interaction was the rare but required group project; that might change a bit this year as I was a graduate student and would be sharing an office with two other grad students in the Lit department and some social interaction would be required. However, in spite of the fact that I had no social life and was still in love with a vampire who had been my high school sweetheart, I felt pretty normal. Granted, since my entire life was now school I had graduated in only three years from the University of Florida with honors, and now I was starting graduate school.

The nights were still hard. I would curl up around the hole in my chest and cry all night long but caffeine could cure a sleepless night – or five per week. I avoided the sidewalk and made a b-line through the trees toward the dining hall. Caffeine was going to be a necessity this morning, as I couldn't get my mind off of him to sleep all night long. The dining hall was on the second floor of the building I was now standing in front of. My helmet and a glare or in some cases a smile allowed me to skip all the way to the front of the line. Guys liked a woman on a motorcycle and girls were slightly intimidated by it. I grabbed an apple from the rack and an energy drink from a small fridge by he counter before heading to the cashier. She swiped my ID card and eyed the helmet. I smiled back at her politely, which seemed to put her at ease. I stopped briefly in the cafeteria to pop the top on my drink before gathering my helmet back up and hiking over to the literature department.

The campus was heavily wooded and I managed to find at least three tree roots jutting out of the sidewalk to trip on along the way. I was getting better though, I didn't actually drop my drink until I'd finished it and I managed to keep my apple and helmet from hitting the ground. I chucked the can in a wastebasket and bit into my apple to hold it between my teeth while I pushed open the heavy doors to the department. I finished taking the bite and was headed around the corner when I glanced a flash of bronze and white. The bite of apple landed firmly in the back of my throat. Luckily, one of my colleagues happened to be right behind me. A firm meaty hand clapped me on the back a few times.

"You okay Swan?" Andrew Jones smiled down at me. He was a fun guy with an infectious laugh and was one of the few of us with a family. He shared an apartment with his wife and three month old son. He reminded me a lot of Emmett. He was also one of my office mates and he and I were TA'ing a section of the freshman survey course together this semester. Truth be known, I was rather thankful to be teamed up with him rather than the slim and attractive Paul who was thankfully in the other office. I had already nicknamed him 'Paul Roving-hands'.

"Thanks." I wheezed, "I'm fine, how're you?"

"It's a good day. Carol let me sleep all night." He shifted his weight and started sifting through a folder. "Do you want A thru L or M thru Z?"

"I'll take A-L," I smiled as he handed me my half of the roster.

"Doctor Peterson is already looking for us. He wants us in the lecture hall early." We started down the hall toward the main auditorium. I took a deep breath, the turn was exactly where my bronze and white apparition had disappeared. My pulse raced inexplicably and I felt like I was trying to breathe underwater. This I shoved to the back of my mind and looked at the roster.

I scanned the first page quickly until I came to two entries:

Cullen, Alice

Cullen, Edward

I stopped. I blinked my eyes to make sure that the names were there.

"Swan?"

Why weren't they disappearing?

"Bella!" My name called me from the dark corner that my mind had descended into. My head snapped up and I met Andrew's concerned gaze.

"Do you know a couple of guys named Quill and Embry?" I accused.

"Why, are they on your list?" Andrew took the offending list from my hand and we started walking again.

"No but I think that someone is trying to be funny." I snatched it back. "There weren't any really large Native American guys in the office this morning, were there?"

"Not that I saw." Andrew was now completely lost. He, like a wise married man, opted not to pursue this line of questioning lest it should get too personal. Soon we were pushing through a throng of freshmen to get to the hall. I caught a pungent whiff of lilacs and the smell nearly knocked me over. Andrew grabbed my arm and set me back up on my feet. We each pulled out our signs, mine said A-L, I took one door and he took the opposite.

"Attention!" I called the crowd to order. "If your last name starts with one of the letters between A and L alphabetically, then you will enter through this door and sit on this side of the hall. M thru Z will go through those doors and sit on that side!" I had been meticulously specific with the instructions because these were freshmen. I stuck my A-L sign on the door nearest to me and charged through it.

Dr. Peterson sat at the bottom of the auditorium next to the lectern. He glanced up as I walked in followed by a mob of angry freshmen that didn't want to cope with assigned seating in any capacity. I went straight for him with my roster in hand.

"Good morning Bella, rough night?" Dr Peterson greeted me. I must have looked worse than I thought.

"Would you mind checking this with the computer?" I asked in a tone that was probably a little forceful for a first year grad-student. He looked a bit perplexed and put his hand out to take the offending paper. I gave it to him and then dumped my helmet and saddlebags on the table in front of my half of the class.

"Is there anything in particular you want me to look at?" He smiled as I tripped getting back over to him. I blushed and hurried to make the next three steps before falling flat on my face.

"There are two names that I want to check, the two Cullen's right here." I ran my left hand back through my hair again, something that calmed my nerves just a bit, and I pointed to the two with my right. When he left my side, I surreptitiously checked the auditorium for vampires. None were clearly visible in the throng of hormonally charged overgrown teenagers on my end of the classroom but they were still milling about and finding seats. I decided not to look again.

That hole in my chest flared up again and I clutched at it. I quickly covered the move by pretending to shiver and fishing out my jacket. The jacket made me feel secure. I could hear a couple of boys in the front row make appreciative comments about the jacket, and women on motorcycles, and I eyed them darkly. They took the hint and got quiet.

"Bella, they're on the current roster. What seems to be the problem?" He was giving me that puzzled look when people don't know whether or not someone is about to do something stupid.

"The names are just familiar." I took the roster back and waved him off. I intentionally didn't watch the students fill in on my half of the class. I didn't want to know, scratch that, I couldn't know if Edward Cullen was one of my freshmen. I took a deep breath and it caught unexpectedly in my throat. I just managed to catch the strangled sob before it made any noise. I took a seat at my table and kept my head down, hair around my face, I had perfected this maneuver during the latter half of my Senior year at Forks High School. I pulled my saddlebags in front of me and unpacked my class materials from one of them. After the fear of audible sobbing had passed, I pulled what little self respect I had left together, ducked halfway under the table, wiped my face, and then dug in my bag for a Kleenex. I blew my nose to appear sick and met Andrew to pick up the course syllabus that I would now have to pass out. That was dangerous, I might actually have to look at the students to do it.

I opted to make this easier for myself and grabbed the first freshman I saw, a blond pretty boy who looked like he had too much money to throw around and had him do it for me. Andrew eyed me suspiciously before deciding to do the same.

"Let's get started people!" Dr Peterson called the class to order. "What is currently being passed out is your course syllabus. As far as you are concerned it is now The Bible. You will live by the schedule on that piece of paper. You have weekly readings to complete and you will do them." He eyed the class hard. "Every week you will attend a discussion group with your TA." He nodded to Andrew and myself. "If your last name starts with a letter A-L you will have your group with Bella, M-Z will go to Andrew. You should treat them with respect as they will be handling the majority of the grading that takes place in this course."

"Bella, would you care to introduce yourself?" He held out a hand palm up to indicate me.

"Hello, My name is Isabella Swan, you may call me Bella." _Do not look at the students. Do not look at the students. _"I am not your friend, your buddy, or your mother. You will behave accordingly," I eyed the top row only and was relieved to see only human faces. "I am currently working on my masters in Comparative English Literature." I glanced at the next row down, humans. "Many of you don't know what that means, and that's okay." This elicited a laugh from Dr. Peterson and Andrew and a familiar velvety chuckle from the edge of a row. I couldn't keep my eyes from stealing just one glance, and that was enough to knock the wind out of me. Edward Cullen with his gorgeous topaz eyes sat halfway up all the way to the right hand aisle next to the wall. He looked exactly as he always had, that's to say breathtakingly, unnaturally handsome. His skin was still pale and smooth, his bronze hair tousled, and he hadn't aged a day. I had not clearly remembered his features for this long though. I was almost shocked to find that my memories were just a dull echo of how he actually looked because he was the most handsome man alive in my memory. When our eyes met, I had to grab the side of the lectern for support. I was suddenly painfully aware that I had stopped in the middle of my introduction and it suddenly occurred to me that 52 people were staring at me, waiting for me to continue. I blushed with embarrassment. I tore my eyes away from Edward blinking a few times, willing myself not to cry. I thought about Victoria and found some anger. That got me through.

"I am here to help you get through this course but I work for Dr. Peterson, his word is law in this classroom and my own." I looked at almost every student except for Edward and Alice. I hoped that he noticed that I was most certainly not here to help him. I stalked back to my little table in front of the class while Andrew spoke. I managed to find and dislodge an AV cord on the way, pulling the microphone off of the lectern as I fell. By some sheer trick, I managed not to hit the floor. I turned into an ungraceful spin and landed in my chair. This brought true laughter from the crowd. I fought the urge to run from the room or cry, I stood up, and I took a bow. Afterwards, I quietly followed the cord to the microphone and reset it, hoping that I hadn't caused any permanent damage. My mortification was complete and I seriously hoped that Edward Cullen had enjoyed it because if he tried to talk to me after four years of nothing he'd better believe that I was going to take it out on him.


	2. Chapter 2 Meetings

**A/n Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.**

**Music starts next Chap.**

I didn't have the luxury of shooting out of the classroom as fast as I could go; although, I had given it serious consideration, there was a fire door behind me. However, there were things to be taken care of for Dr. Peterson. I didn't look at the class as they filed out for fear that he would stay. I wanted him to stay but I also desperately wanted him to go. I really was pathetic for dwelling on him this way. I had most likely just been a distraction like all other distractions, and a human to boot. My time with him wouldn't matter so much, it had only been a few months, a mere blink of an eye to an immortal. He had to have forgotten all about me. Surely Alice had as well.

I focused on Dr. Peterson. He had very specific instructions as to what he wanted discussed in groups this week. In addition, there was some busywork that he needed done. I volunteered to take care of it; it was just a bunch of handouts to be printed. My goal was to make TA'ing easy for Andrew. I knew that he had a wife and a new baby at home and the highest divorce rate in the country belonged to graduate students. He seemed like a nice guy; I met his wife at the faculty/staff social the week before school started. It would be a shame if they were to split up.

I turned to gather my things and felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Is there something wrong?" Apparently I had not covered my emotional outburst as well as I thought. Dr. Peterson, my graduate advisor who recruited me from Florida, had noticed.

"No, we're good." I didn't meet his eyes.

"Good, there are a couple of students left on your side and we need to clear out for Professor Stevens. Would you mind taking care of it on your way out? There will be hell to pay if she doesn't get the room fifteen minutes before her class starts." He didn't wait for my response before grabbing his messenger bag and heading up the stairs. The man made me smile. He taught in Birkenstocks and khaki shorts with a Hawaiian shirt. It was a wonder he had a job.

I avoided turning to the job at hand for as long as I could. I had already had an hour to cope with the fact that I'd have to talk to not only Alice but also Edward at the end of class. I felt their eyes practically weaving a hole into my temple during the lecture. I refused to give them another look, fighting back the emotions that threatened to overtake me the entire time. Eventually, fearing the legendary wrath of Professor Stevens, I slung my bags over my shoulder and picked up my helmet. I made it to the row where Alice and Edward has just halted their semi-silent conversation and stopped.

"Are you coming, or are you going to take Professor Stevens' survey course as well?" I asked, only daring to look at their midsections in an attempt to avoid the crippling eye contact. I scaled the steps with two vampires silently following and pushed my way into the quiet hallway beyond.

"I'm sorry Bella, I have another class to get to." Alice squeaked out an apology glancing at Edward. "Can I come by your office later?"

"Sure, _you_ can come by anytime." She squeezed me into a hug that nearly crushed my ribs before dancing off down the hallway. I smiled at her.

"So…" He started as I pushed past him, I would not think his name. I could not, it would not cross my mind, and I would not call him by name. And then… an idea came to me. He was just a student. I was supposed to have pretended like he never existed.

"Do you have a question about the lecture or perhaps the syllabus, Mr. Cullen?" I asked a spot on the wall just behind his perfect left ear. If I didn't make eye contact, I would survive.

"No Bella -."

"That's Miss Swan to you." I snapped. Having him in a class was enough torture. He most definitely did not get to use my first name; it hurt too much.

"But you just said to call you -."

"Yeah, well you don't exist, and people who don't exist get to call me Miss Swan." I spat and stalked off toward the office to take care of the copies.

He stayed ten feet behind me the whole way. Thus, I had no opportunity to sneak into an abandoned classroom and cry until the hole in my chest stopped hurting again. If I veered into one, he was sure to follow. I finally made it to the section of glass wall that marked the large suite housing the graduate and administrative offices for the Lit department.

He silently followed me in. I caught the secretary asking him if he needed anything while I dropped my helmet and my bags off in the tiny office off to the side that I shared with two other TA's. Fortunately, it was empty. He put his arm across the door to block my way out of the closet we called an office. I ducked under his arm and headed with my handouts to the copier. It was housed with the mailboxes in another small closet. I threw the pages into the collater typed in 50, set it to collate and staple and pressed the green 'go' button.

I didn't look up but I knew that he was still there. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why he felt the need to stalk me like this. Had he started rethinking his 'vegetarian' ways again? Was I destined to be a meal now that he was no longer interested in me?

I found my box and started to sift through the plethora of paper that had been crammed in it this morning. He stood there while I read every single sheet whether it was important or not. There were many pieces of completely inconsequential drivel that I perused two or three times, hoping that he would take a hint and leave. Most of the contents of my box went into the recycling bin.

Eventually, 'Paul Roving-Hands' pushed past him into the room. Quarters were very tight in there and Paul seemed to enjoy that. There was no way for him to pass me to get to his box without most parts of our bodies coming into contact. Given the opportunity I would bet that he didn't actually need to check his box, he just waited for one of the women in the department to come in so that he could get some physical contact with her. I squeezed as closely to the copier as I could, facing it so that at least I wouldn't have to look at him. I heard a low growl as he brushed up against my back but Paul was oblivious.

"Who's the kid?" Paul seemed as uninterested in his mail as I had been.

"This is one of my freshmen, Mr. Cullen. He's from -." I indicated for him to fill in.

"Alaska." He practically growled through gritted teeth.

"He also seems to be stalking me. Isn't that nice?" I smiled at Paul.

"Do you want me to call security?" Paul responded attempting to appear disinterested. The copier stopped.

"No, he'll get tired, realize that I'm not all that _distracting_ and run off eventually. Freshmen are rather like Romeo, they're fickle." I intentionally made those words sting. He was boiling mad now. I made to duck under his arm again and he caught my wrist as I got out the door.

I ignored the electric current coursing from his hand up my arm. I stepped in closer so that Paul wouldn't hear me.

"You don't get to touch me." I spoke in his ear, anger seething off of me in waves. "It's been four years since you gave up that right and I suggest you let me go before I ask for help and you have to pretend to let 'Paul Roving-hands' over there beat you up to prevent your cover from being blown." He released my wrist and I backed away from him toward my office. I sat down at my desk and turned the computer on. He followed me in and sat down.

"You've made your point. Are you finished?" His voice held a little tension to it, which I expected.

"I haven't even begun to make my point." I opened our library software and started to arrange a pick up for the books I would need this week. It would do no good to be caught alone in the stacks with him following me.

"I- I need to talk to you." His tone was now quiet and sad. I almost turned to look at him but fought it.

"I can't begin to imagine what _you_ might have to say to _me_." My fingers were angry on the keyboard. I abused the poor thing by thwacking every key in turn violently. It clicked away obediently taking the punishment.

"Please don't be childish about this. It's hard enough." He whispered. I wasn't ready to hear him.

"You can drop the class, Stevens has some openings in her section, and Paul could be your TA. I'm sure that you'd be great friends. You seem to share the attitudes and taste when it comes to women." That was a pretty low blow as I didn't have to be a mind reader to know what Paul was thinking in the copy room as he slid past me, and Edward would definitely have heard it and disapproved. My slip printed stating that the books would be ready for pick up in thirty minutes.

"Bella -." He started and before he was finished I was in his face.

"You. Don't. Get. To. Call. Me. That." I growled in fury. My forehead was almost touching his. I stood over him eye to eye, my hands on the armrests of the chair he was sitting in.

He took advantage of my proximity and pushed his face into mine. Our lips met and I ceased to care about my anger. It had been so long since I had been kissed, three years. He locked a cold hand around the back of my head and stood swiftly closing the door and pressing me up against it so quickly that I didn't register what was going on.

His hands memorized my face and I instinctively pulled closer in to him. My heart raced away leaving my common sense in the dust. I could barely breath and yet he was the air. I had been starving for this for years and upon it's introduction I couldn't get enough. Kissing him, actually kissing him rather than dreaming about it was so much better than I remembered. I ran my tongue along his lip, and he pressed me further into the door.

Then the pain came. I felt the old break in my heart that hadn't completely healed reopen. I started shaking from the now open break and sobbed openly, breaking our lips apart. The tears ran down my face. I was ashamed that I had let him kiss me, that he had seen this, and that he still had this effect on me.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think. I just – I wanted… I'm sorry Bella" He let me go the second he noticed the tears and I quickly moved as far away from him as I could in the tiny space, wiping the tears from my eyes as I escaped.

"Someone's coming." He whispered and partially opened the door so that it appeared to have been open the whole time. I stood with my fists planted on my desk my head hanging and willed myself to find some form of composure but it wasn't working. Instead, I grabbed my bags, pushed my way out the door, and headed to the one place on campus where he couldn't follow without breaking down a door and having security called, the faculty ladies restroom. I got my key out and walked the few short steps from my office to the door. There were too many witnesses for him to stop me without causing a scene.

As soon as the lock clicked behind me I released all semblance of composure and wept openly. The tears flowed freely down my face. My heart felt like a black hole destined to suck all the happiness out of the universe. I made my way to the sink and attempted to wash my face with the tears still flowing. Suddenly I regretted spending the last three and a half years deluding myself with my hallucinatory Edward. Perhaps things would have been better if I had just moved on, but moving on had been impossible. Kissing someone else, even Edwards opposite, Jake, reminded me too much of what I really wanted which was to kiss Edward. Now Edward had kissed me and I wasn't sure I wanted to forgive him. If I took him back after four years unexplained absence, then what did that say about me?

I couldn't cry myself out but I eventually ran out of tears. I washed my now red and puffy face and got some paper towels to make a compress for my eyes. I blew my nose a few times and decided that my face wasn't going to get any better. The books I ordered from the library were ready long before I finally emerged from the faculty rest room.

I peeked my head out carefully and found no sign of him. The library run was a necessity because I needed those books for my afternoon class. So, with caution, I made my way down the hallway and out onto the heavily wooded campus to go get my books.

Other students frolicked around among the trees without a care in the world. This was the first day of classes after all and it would take about a week for everyone to start buckling down and settling into a routine. I was carefully watching my step when I ran into a cold wall of marble. I rebounded slightly and found myself caught by a set of cool hands. Blinking, I turned my head up to meet the puzzled golden eyes belonging to one Emmett Cullen. His face lit up and he pulled me into a bear hug.

"Can't. Breathe. Emmett." I chocked in his grasp.

"Bella! My lil' sis'!" He swung me around before placing my feet gently on solid ground. I couldn't help but smile at him. Apparently I was still a sister to the Cullens even if it had been years. "Are you alright?" He had looked at my face which no doubt still showed evidence of my earlier encounter with his brother.

"I'm fine Emmett." I lied. This was my usual lie; I told it to myself quite frequently.

"You never could lie very well, you know that, right?" He smiled and I laughed weakly. "May I?" He indicated my bags.

"Sure." I handed them over.

"So, where are you heading with these?" He held out is arm and I took it.

"The main library." I smiled and we continued walking. "So, what have you been up to?"

"I am working on another chemistry degree. At the moment, I'm a sophomore." He grinned a bit impishly. "Rosalie and Alice are working on fashion merchandising degrees, I can't figure out why though. It seems pretty pointless."

"It's something they like." I narrowly avoided a tree root to Emmett's amusement.

"I was actually wondering what _you_ were doing here little sister?" I craned my neck back to get a clear look at his face.

"What do you mean? I'm a graduate student in comparative lit." I half smiled at him. The diffuse light through the trees made his pale skin glow slightly green.

"You're in Grad school!" Emmett stopped walking.

"Yes, and unlike many of you, for the first time." I quipped.

"But it's only been four years…" His eyebrows came together in a thoughtful expression it looked odd on Emmett. He was never as dumb as he made himself out to be, that was plainly obvious. Like his adoptive siblings Emmett held several advanced degrees and was actually quite brilliant but he never looked like he was thinking.

"Well, when you need an excuse to stay at school and not go back to Washington for the summer, or even drive the two hours to your mom's house, and you have no social life because you can't talk to anyone about your life... taking 18 hours every semester including summer becomes really appealing." I had attempted to keep my voice from breaking but was unsuccessful. Emmett pulled me into a tight hug without restricting my breathing.

"I'm sorry Bella." He whispered.

"It's okay, you had to move on, I understand." I wiped my face again as he steered me toward a stone bench at the edge of the walkway. "It's not your fault that he didn't want to take me with you."

"It's good to have you back though." He smiled patting my back after I sat down.

"I wouldn't really consider this back." I scoffed.

"Have you seen him?" Concern touched his face and his voice at this.

"I'm his TA for Lit." I laughed. "I'm his freaking TA Emmett! I can't do this, not now." I was on the verge of hyperventilating. I sunk my head between my knees trying to catch my breath. He seemed to find something amusing about this situation.

"You're Edward's TA?" He guffawed. I hadn't though that it was that funny.

"Yeah, not so funny on this end, more like mortifying." I was unaffected by his laughter. "Come on, I need to hit the library before lunch." I got up in an attempt to end any discussion of Edward. He had kissed me. Edward followed me, harassed me, and kissed me. I didn't want to think or talk about _him_.

"So, Esme and Carlisle will be excited to see you." He picked up my bags and followed me through the trees to the library. We were very close to it now and I was eager to escape this conversation. I pondered his statement for a moment. Esme. Esme had missed me too, and Carlisle.

"I'm not sure if getting involved with the family again is such a good idea. It was like I lost my whole life when you all left. I don't think that I could do it again." We walked in silence from then. When we reached the library I took my bags back and slug them over my shoulder.

"Bella, I know that you're mad at Edward, and you have every right to be, he's been an idiot, but please don't shut the rest of us out of your life." He was looking down at me, pleading outside the library. "We've all missed you. The past four years have been boring. At least consider being friends with the rest of us." He patted me on the back and laughed when I nearly fell over.

"I'll think about it." I smiled in return and headed into the library to get my books. Emmett was always good at leaving with a smile. I considered the fact that it was a shame he seemed not to have rubbed off on his brother more.


	3. Chapter 3 Lunch

A/N

I am so overwhelmed by the response this story is getting! Thanks y'all!

Characters courtesy of SM – not me. This Fic is brought to you by someone else's Fic that put a conversation in my head – part of that conversation made it into this chapter.

Suggested music: *The Jennifer Nettles Band, _Bad Girls Lament_ (Bella's mood)

*Cheri MacGill's _Worth the Wait _(Edward's mood)

I managed to make it through my trip to the library and back across campus to my office and then to the dining hall without encountering any of the Cullens. I reasoned that the dining hall should be safe because vampires don't eat. I walked confidently into the line, waiting my turn this time instead of being a rude biker chic with an attitude. So I was fairly shocked when I made it through the doors into the serving area to find Edward standing on the other side of the serving area. He caught my scent and was at my side before I could turn around and get back out the door.

I refused to acknowledge his presence and grabbed a tray. Somehow feeling the need to continue stalking me, he grabbed one too. I couldn't help but scoff at this.

"What's so funny?" He leaned in, flashing me what used to be my favorite crooked grin.

"Well, unless you know something I don't I'm pretty sure that they don't serve fresh mountain lion here. It scares the freshmen." I smiled and then added condescendingly, "of course you are a freshman so…"

"I heard that you ran into Emmett." He chuckled just a little too much for a man on thin ice. He must have thought that he as doing well and his instincts would have been correct if things hadn't changed during his absence. I went through hell in the first year after he left and it changed me; Edward didn't know the fury that awaited him.

"It's not polite to laugh at people, but yes, I did talk to your brother." I made my way to the salad bar. "Don't worry Edward I'm not going to start hanging out at your house all the time if that's what you're concerned about you can put it out of your pretty little head and focus on your reading for class because you'd better bet that being an attractive vampire that all the other women on campus are drooling over isn't going to get you anywhere in my class." My tone was biting, hard. "I know what happens to nice girls who hang out with vampires."

I kept moving down the line, not really paying attention to what I was putting on my salad. For a moment, he didn't follow me. I took a deep breath and kept going hoping against hope that he would give up, drop his tray, and leave. It suddenly occurred to me that Emmett and Rosalie had already been here for a year. The Cullens had an endless supply of cash at their disposal and suddenly by chance I ended up at the same University, one that wasn't even on the list of schools I had planned on applying to and I had a free ride. He got over his shock and caught up with me.

"I'm -." He didn't have a chance in Hades of finishing that sentence with the realization that had just dawned on me.

"Do you know what I want to know?" I finally looked at his face but avoided direct eye contact.

"I would love to find out what you want to know." He was calm and acquiescing and if he had been human I would have considered wringing his neck for it.

"How much?" I poked his chest with my finger.

"I genuinely would like to know." He was good at appearing clueless.

"No, how much did you pay to get me in here?" I squared my shoulders at him and stopped in line.

"Please don't make a scene." He dropped his voice but he didn't deny my accusation. It was proof enough for me. I ripped my tray off the counter and slid on a slick patch of linoleum into a spin colliding with 'Paul Roving-hands.' Fortunately my salad had not been dressed. Unfortunately it was now all over the floor. Paul used the excuse of steadying me to grab my rear end, and a low involuntary growl emitted from Edward behind me. I extracted myself from Paul shoving my tray into his chest a bit harder than necessary.

"Paul, don't grab my butt again or I'll rip your hand off." I dropped my voice too low for anyone else other than Paul and Edward to hear and then brought it back up to normal volume, "Are you okay? I'm so sorry."

I didn't wait for an answer before waking off without lunch. Edward handed his tray to me. I guessed that Alice must have warned him about my need for a new lunch. I would have appreciated it more if she had come. As it was, I had to let go of my pride and thank Edward.

"Thank you." I somehow brought myself to say it. I went to pay for my meal and he insisted on taking care of it. There was officially no avoiding him, he was buying me lunch, and he was going to sit with me. I was reliving high school only this time it was much less pleasant.

"You're Welcome." He grinned again and I couldn't help but grin back at him. "See, this works much better when we're civil to one another." I bristled a bit at that. If he only knew how much of a right I had to my anger it would wipe the smile off of his face. He led me to a table in the corner and took out this week's novel and set it down. At least he had the sense to attempt to look like a student discussing something with a TA.

"Lunch or no lunch I'm not letting this go." I folded my arms leaning back into my chair.

"I honestly don't know what you're talking about." He was shameless, staring at me like he had no clue what I was accusing him of doing.

"Is this your idea of a joke? Did you run out of distractions and then bribe someone to give me a free ride for graduate school at a University I never even considered attending?" As I laid out my argument it sounded ridiculous, but I knew for a fact that given Alice's gift and an unlimited amount of money that it was possible.

"No one is ever going to believe that." He smirked.

"Kind of like keeping a van from crushing someone?" His face fell. "I don't care if anyone else believes it, I care if you did it."

"I think that you should talk to Alice about this." He looked into my eyes and I looked away. "We didn't know that you were here until you cut me off his morning."

"I thought the car looked a bit too familiar." I picked up my fork. "You expect me to believe that Alice didn't see this coming."

"Until this morning, we thought that you were dead." His expression was so open and honest that I couldn't help but believe him. "Alice hasn't been able to 'see' you for over three years, Bella. We went looking for you that summer but couldn't find you or where you'd gone. There was also evidence..."

"I was in hiding that summer." I stated, my hands went cold and the blood drained from my face at the thought of that summer and what I knew they found in my room. I leaned across the table, arms folded protectively over my stomach. "I can't talk about that here."

"Then what about tonight? Esme really wants to see you. Alice called her after class and then Emmett called Carlisle, they wanted me to ask since… Would you please come over?" Edward had turned on the charm but I didn't succumb to it this time.

"Maybe." I refused to say 'yes' to him.

"That's not a yes." He sighed.

"I don't tend to say yes to people who don't exist, or freshmen who kiss me without permission." I cocked my head to one side as I delivered my remark.

"Do freshmen often kiss you?" He attempted that smoldering thing with his eyes and voice. I was not gong to stand for that. Edward Cullen was not going to make this conversation flirtatious or in any way sexy.

"Only the ones who want to fail." I smiled.

"You know I'm not a freshman in the traditional sense." He stared at me darkly. "If this is about rank I can produce a doctorate or two to prove it to you."

"Your cover is that you're a freshman, which makes you a freshman to everyone else." I moved my hand out to indicate the rest of the students in the cafeteria.

"Since when do you care what people think?" Edward countered.

"Since I could loose my assistantship for fraternizing with a student, particularly one whose grade I'm in charge of." I raised an eyebrow. "That's not all though, I am angry with you and for very good reason. What makes you think that you can break my heart and then come back four years later and expect to pick right backup where you left off. No way, _I – am - a different person now_ and I don't need you the way I did before you cocky, self absorbed, overprotective, controlling, pain in the -."

"Hey Bella!" My second office mate, Candace had approached. She had obviously been drawn to the devastatingly beautiful man across from me as she openly stared at him with her mouth agape.

"Candace." I smiled and she closed her mouth. "Candace, this is Edward Cullen, he's in Dr. Peterson's English literature survey course."

"Oh, so helping out a student over lunch?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, he needs a lot of help and I got hungry." I smiled back. Edward really was going to loose this job for me. I noticed Candace continuing to ogle Edward and I blushed. It seemed that his appeal to the opposite sex had not diminished. I shot him a glance, and he shrugged.

"Candace? Do you need something?" _Like your brain?_ I wasn't completely shocked by my colleague's behavior as I was acquainted with the draw that he exuded. He was like a flame and every breathing female within a five-mile radius was a moth.

"Oh, no, I'm fine. I'll just… be... over here…" she trailed off and left too slowly. I was surprised to feel territorial about Edward. I didn't have any right to him any longer; we'd been over for four years.

"Where were we?" I tilted my head back and asked.

"You were calling me names." He pointed at me absentmindedly. "Would you like to continue?"

"I think you get the point." I poked at my salad with my fork. I refused to feel guilty for the name-calling.

There was a noise at the other end of the cafeteria and I turned to see what it was. Someone dropped a tray and knocked over the glass-wear at the juice bar. As I turned my shirt lifted up slightly revealing my side. There was a long scar there that was now barely perceptible to the human eye. However, to a vampire it was like a billboard. When I turned back Edward was tense and I didn't know why. He looked like he wanted to say something.

"What's wrong?" My forehead scrunched up involuntarily as I tried to figure out what could cause him to have reacted in such a severe manner to someone other than me toppling half of the juice bar. I turned again to check for blood and caught him staring at my side.

"What happened to you?" Edward could barely speak, his voice was a horrified whisper, and his face contorted in pain.

"You left me unprotected." I whispered. "I can't talk about it. I try not to think about it at all but it's the price I paid for hanging out with vampires who didn't love me enough to stay last time." I got up and left my tray. Edward did not move to follow or to stop me; he sat dumbfounded at the table and watched me walk away.

I checked my watch on my way out of the cafeteria and realized that I had spent too long talking to Edward. My office hours had already started. It was still the first day of school so I didn't anticipate anyone waiting for me but Dr. Peterson might check. I jogged across the campus feeling a familiar ache in my knee and my side more than usual. I slowed down when I reached the stairs and walked to catch my breath as I made my way back to the office.

When I unlocked the door and flicked on the light I found Alice sitting at my desk, holding out a granola bar expectantly. I had barely eaten anything during my long lunch with her brother and she must have seen that. I teared up a bit at her love for me and gave her a big hug when she stood up.

"How was lunch?" she chirped and moved to Candace's chair so that I could have access to my desk.

"Let's see, I got my rear end grabbed by a colleague, argued with Edward, accused him of buying my way in here, called him some names, ran out without answering his questions…. Better than expected given the circumstances." I tore into the bar, "Thanks by the way, did you see that I didn't get to eat?"

"No, Edward actually called about that." She frowned. "He didn't bring up the motorcycle did he?"

"No." I took another bite.

"Good, I warned him not to, if he brought it up you weren't going to follow us home this evening." She smiled knowingly.

"So, I'm coming to visit Carlisle and Esme this evening?" I fished a bottle of water out of my bottom drawer and stopped myself before reflexively offering one to Alice. I had been hanging around humans too long.

"You are." She lit up at the idea. "Although, my vision has changed a bit." Her face darkened.

"What's wrong?" I wondered what could change to make the visit less exciting for her.

"It seems that we have a lot to be sorry for with regard to you. I won't think about what you're going to tell us around him, and you can tell us all when you feel right doing it." Alice frowned. It wasn't an expression that her face was used to and I could tell that it took a lot for her to show this.

"It's not so bad anymore." I lied; the old wound on my side, inflicted by a vampire's sharp claws was actually hurting at that moment since I had jogged across campus. I was just used to the pain. "Can we talk about something else?"

"Of course!" She eyed my jeans and my top.

"There's nothing wrong with this outfit!" I figured out where she was going with this before she decided to pick on my attire.

"Okay then, how about the bike!" She laughed.

"What about it?" I smiled a bit devilishly and propped my feet up on the laminated fiberboard desk, leaning far back in my chair.

"Jasper and Emmett both wanted me to tell you that no matter what Edward says, you have to keep it. They said it was '_sexy'_ the way you slid into that parking space this morning." She laughed. "Rosalie and Edward were so pissed, but it was all the boys could talk about on the walk in from off-campus." Her laugh sounded like a thousand tiny bells ringing as she finished her statement. I couldn't help but laugh along in spite of the blush that crept over my face at her words. Emmett and Jasper really thought that me riding a motorcycle was sexy.

"Speaking of which, what happened to the Volvo?" I raised my head just a fraction to see her face more clearly.

"We don't drive it anymore." Her face fell and I suddenly felt guilty for having asked. "It's never stopped smelling like freesias. It was really hard to be in it and smell you when we thought that…"

"It's okay Alice." I turned up the corners of my mouth weakly. "I'm alive."

"I can see that." She stared at my side and I pulled my shirt back down again. "Are you sure we can't go shopping?" I sighed.

"Alice, believe it or not I'm a grad student. Grad students don't shop much as a rule. We tend to lack the time and funds to do so." I grabbed a pen off of the desk and started to fidget with it.

"I owe you four years worth of gift-giving. I could start catching up on that." She winked.

"What am I going to say?" I stopped twirling the pen and started to click it.

"You're going to say yes!" She grinned triumphantly.

"Fine, when?" I smiled. I missed having Alice around even if it did mean shopping.

"Right after you get out of class. Then you can change before we head to the house." She smirked. That was the Alice I knew and loved.

**A/N**

*** I know the music choices are a bit obscure but that's what I'm listening to. **

**The Jennifer Nettles Band was the predecessor to Sugarland. This song is hard and not at all like Sugarland, you can find it on the web.**

**Cheri MacGill is an LDS musician and I've found her CD at a couple of temple book stores so if you really want to hear her stuff you may have to get creative. What I have is a demo so hopefully the same songs are on it.**


	4. Chapter 4 Ride With Me

**A/N Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer!**

**Thank you for the reviews! I'm glad to hear that you're enjoying this as much as I'm enjoying writing it. This was originally joined with the next chapter but I felt like it needed to be broken up. **

**Songs: **_**Fix You**_** by ColdPlay – I know it's trite but if you read at the same speed I do it lines up in a gorgeous way**

_**Story of Your Bones**_** by The Jennifer Nettles Band – for the second half **language warning on this song - she does say BS and it ain't abbreviated****

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At the end of the day, after being dressed and made-up by Alice in the ladies room, I donned my riding jacket, and stood next to my bike waiting on the black Mercedes to show up. Alice had picked out some very snug designer jeans for me and a flowing blouse that was, of course, blue. I hardly ever wore blue anymore if I could avoid it. Then, there were the boots, they had a three inch spiked heel and came to my knees. I pulled the jeans down over them. I did have to admit that I looked good. I took a minute to clip my hair back and soon the Mercedes pulled up next to my space.

"Get in," Edward ordered from the drivers seat.

"I'll follow you. There's not enough room, and I'm not leaving my bike on campus." I shook my head and attempted not to laugh at his apparent disapproval. Perhaps I could use his overprotective side against him. "Do you know what could happen to me when I come back to get it tonight? College campuses at night are not safe places to be, especially in these heels. "

"Then let Jasper drive it," He pleaded although he was obviously getting angry with me.

"Um, thanks but no. I'm pretty sure I can keep up if that's what you're worried about. It's faster than it looks." I smiled and raised my eyebrows, challenging him. I heard Emmett and Jasper 'whoop' from the backseat. He was out of the car in a flash. "You'd better get back in that car. Didn't Alice warn you about me and the bike? I'm a little attached to it."

"It's not safe..." He started but I put my helmet on.

"I haven't come close to having an accident in over three years." I flipped my visor up. "Last I checked, I was a grown up and capable of making my own decisions."

He pinched the bridge of his nose. I almost laughed at the amount of anxiety this was causing him. This argument was taking too long. The risk of someone from the Lit department walking out to the lot and seeing us increased every minute that we stood there. So, I made a snap decision to get out of the parking lot before anyone else could see us together.

"Do you want to ride with me?" I raised an eyebrow and smiled knowing that this would get us out of the lot faster. "It's a lot of fun." If his reaction earlier was at all reliable he wouldn't give up a chance at being so close to me. The sane part of my brain screamed at me in terror. What was I thinking? I didn't want him next to me, his arms around my waist, breathing on my shoulder. A pleasant shiver went down my spine at that thought, or did I?

He stepped in closer and I hopped on before he could take over and decide he was driving. Rosalie moved to the drivers seat of the car as Edward swung a leg over the bike. I braced myself for the sensation, but still barely kept myself from gasping when he pulled in close to me and wrapped his arms tightly around my waist.

"Are you alright?" He asked my shoulder. I had forgotten about two critical things: The first was my heart, it beat faster, and being so close he would not only hear it but _feel_ it. The second was Jasper. Jasper was in the car and could sense the strong wave of emotion that had just passed over me and was still pulsating through my body. It was strong enough that he would have thought something about it and that meant Edward most definitely knew that at least on a physical level that I was still interested in him. I silently cursed Jasper, Edward, and vampires in general.

"I'm perfect." I snapped my visor down and revved the motorcycle before he could respond. I didn't even notice the lack of my hallucinatory Edward with the real one behind me. Rosalie took off and in spite of the distraction sitting behind me making it harder and harder to function normally, I had no problems keeping pace with her. She even tried to lose me. At this point riding was second nature, the bike and I moved seamlessly as one being. It was an extension of myself. It was hard to believe that this antique had once been trash. Jacob really worked on it and modified it to the point where I wouldn't want a new bike even if I could afford one. Part of that was sentimentality, it was what I had left of the good times at LaPush and Jake.

Eventually we pulled down a gravel drive that led to the Cullens new house. It was an interesting modern design, which struck me as odd. Esme's true love was renovating, but this house looked new. I barely had time to think about it. I pulled into the garage and caught a glimpse of the silver Volvo in the corner; it brought a lump to my throat. Just seeing it brought back a flood of memories that I had been avoiding: the drive home after I passed out during blood typing, being rescued in Port Angeles then after dinner that night when I told him I didn't care what he was, him standing next to it before launching himself across the parking lot to save me, driving too fast which I never liked until he left...

I cut the engine and started to swing my leg off of the bike, but Edward stopped me. His siblings rushed inside and I took off my helmet and waited to hear if he had something to say. My heart had been softened a bit by my embarrassing urge to turn around and jump him the second he got on the bike. There was no hiding that now. Being angry was going to be harder too, I had held onto it for so long but deep down I still wanted him no matter how he happened to want me. It was disgusting.

"That was amazing. Thank you," He whispered in my ear sending shivers down my spine and effectively turning my insides into Jello. I shook ever so slightly as he let me go, and we got off of the bike. I unfastened my hair and shook it out a bit just for something to do to cover the fact that my entire body shook. I took off my jacket and fought the urge to go to him and pull him into me. I was furious with myself for wanting that so badly. I set my things on the saddle.

"Can I say something before the sarcasm and the insults start again?" There was a smile to his voice, and all alone in the garage it was hard to believe that there was a world outside where I could be so cruel to him.

"I make no promises about the sarcasm, it's kind of ingrained at this point, but I'll try not to insult you further." I stole a glance at him over my shoulder. I refused to face him head on; he stood a few feet behind me, shoulders slumped, with his hands in his pockets.

"I need you to understand that this is as hard for me as it is for you," he paused because his voice cracked. "I never stopped loving you Bella. When I thought you died Carlisle and Esme refused to allow me to be alone. For three years I've had one of my siblings or another right next to me to keep me from going to Italy every second of every day. I haven't been living, but today... when I saw you ... when you took off your helmet... it was like my heart started again. I know that I have a lot to make up for, I know that something terrible has happened to you, and that it's my fault but I'd like a chance if you'll let me have one."

That was something that I didn't anticipate. Edward had openly and honestly asked for a second chance. I couldn't help but wonder if he knew how much I had changed. I wasn't the same girl anymore. I wished that things could be that easy; I wanted to be able to touch him, and for him to hold me the way he used to. I wanted him to take away my nightmares and the pain like he'd been able to before, but now I wasn't sure if he could.

"I still don't understand; you said you didn't want me." I fingered the edge of my saddle watching the leather dent with the gentle pressure I applied to it.

"I -" He stopped to take a breath. "I have regretted that day every second of my life since. I never expected you to actually believe me. I lied so that you would move on. The day you disappeared..." His voice broke in a sob and I moved without a thought. I was in front of him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him to me. I couldn't help myself; hearing him cry broke my heart as well. I hugged him tightly to me and buried my head in his chest drawing in his scent. It was part of my soul that had been missing for years.

The cool temperature of his skin felt good to my overheated body. He wrapped his arms around me and continued to sob. Eventually, we dropped to the garage floor. I cradled his head to my chest and kissed his forehead the way he used to kiss mine. I ran my hand through his hair and down behind his ear before moving my thumb across his cool forehead gently attempting to soothe the pain he was feeling. I knew that what I would tell the family later would make this even worse. He had to know though. There would be no hiding it if he ever held me while I slept, or if he ever saw more of my body than jeans and a T-shirt permitted. Enough roommates at Florida had commented on my nightmares that I ultimately got a private room because no one wanted to share one with me.

When he calmed I pulled his face up to look at mine. His eyes were still so sad that they almost overwhelmed me. I grabbed him in another hug, willing the pain that was emanating from both of us to be crushed. Holding him didn't quite make me feel whole though.

"I fear that my side of the story is only going to hurt you more. Do you think that you can handle it? Because, it might have been better for you if I had died than to know what actually happened that spring and summer. I can't tell you if you can't forgive yourself." Tears pricked my eyes but I kept them from overflowing.

"I don't think that anything could be worse than what we smelled in your room that day," He sighed.

"It might very well be worse than what you've imagined. The story is kind of terrifying but I can't even consider taking you back unless you know what happened, it's part of who I am now." I rubbed his back. "I can't tell it more than once. I think it would break me apart. So, when you're ready, I'll tell everyone together." He pulled me tighter and inhaled a breath from my hair.

"Are you ready to go in?" I asked him. I felt him nod and we stood. He slipped his hand around mine and I smiled while we walked in.

The second the door was open, Esme pulled me into a hug.

"I've missed you!" She cried. "Come, I've made dinner. Alice said that you haven't eaten much today, and that you've gone down two dress sizes since we last saw you – you need to eat more!" Esme truly was my mother in some ways, more so than my own mother had ever been.

"It's good to see you Bella." Carlisle caught me before Esme could lead me to the kitchen; he pulled me into a hug. He looked at me for a long time, like he was searching for something, but eventually he let me go.

The next family member to greet me surprised me. Jasper gave me a quick hug before backing up to stand next to Alice. He still looked hesitant around me. I would have to talk to him. The last time I had any contact with him was my ill-fated eighteenth birthday party that sparked Edward wanting to leave in the first place. I had never held that against him, but I could only imagine that he must have felt guilty all this time.

I sat down to dinner with Esme and Carlisle looking on, and they asked me all of the questions that were polite to ask. The fact that I was in graduate school was as much of shock to them as it had been to everyone else. Carlisle beamed with pride. It felt like I was one of his children again. It was such a comfortable role that I slipped right back into it effortlessly. This really was where I belonged; the Cullens were my family. It was hard not to feel upset with Edward about having lost that for four years, but I had to let it go at some point.

After I had eaten to Esme's satisfaction, which was more than I was accustomed to eating, they led me into the living room. It looked suspiciously identical to their living room in Forks, down to the white couches and carpeting. Everyone else had already relaxed into their regular positions. Nothing seemed to change in the Cullen household after four years, until I noticed one glaring omission. Edward's piano was nowhere to be seen. I looked around the room expecting to at least find a keyboard or an upright tucked against the wall, but there was nothing. It occurred to me exactly how much he must have been hurting to have stopped playing enough not to even have one at the new house.

Carlisle and Esme sat down. I was no longer sure where to go. Edward had moved from his usual spot and sat next to Jasper and I didn't know whether I belonged next to him on the couch or not. I ultimately decided that since the television was turned off, that talking was probably going to be the primary activity for the evening. I sat down cross-legged on the floor facing everyone, and idly fidgeted with the heel of my boot. I didn't know if I should start or wait for someone else to bring up the topic of what had happened after they left.

"Are you going to tell us exactly how it is that you're alive after the bloodbath we smelled in your bedroom?" Leave it to Rosalie to cut straight to the heart of the issue without regard for decorum or tact. I couldn't help but laugh.

"Wow, Rosalie, I've missed you too. I'm so glad to hear that you've been doing well." I grinned at her. This caused uncomfortable laughter around the room.

"I think we have a right to know. We've been _grieving_ Bella. My _brother_ has been grieving for three years. Edward would have come back for you long ago and we wouldn't have had to chaperone him constantly if we hadn't thought you were dead, and I for one would like to know what happened." Rosalie's temper heated up and boiled over in no time.

"Listen, I'm not going to tell anyone the story unless Edward is ready to hear it. There's just too much risk of him finding out if I tell the rest of you. So, I'm waiting for him to give the word before I do. Is that okay with you Rose, or am I not allowed to protect him from more heartache?" That started calm but by the end I was yelling at her. I really had changed; years ago I would never have even thought to stand up to Rosalie Hale. Her eyes widened with shock, and Rosalie opened her mouth.

"Rose, if you can't be polite, you're going to have to leave." Esme gently stopped the argument. "I agree with Bella that it's best to wait until Edward is ready if things are potentially worse than we had assumed."

I looked down at my hands and studied the crescent shaped scar for a moment. My knee started to feel a bit strained from sitting with my legs folded so I straightened it out. It was Jasper who noticed my physical discomfort, and indicated for me to mover to the corner of the couch near Alice. It would place me on the opposite end from Edward. I pulled myself off of the floor and moved. Edward's eyes met mine; he seemed to be pondering something.

"Edward, if you're not ready, then we don't have to do this tonight." I attempted to reassure him as best I could. We all waited for his answer. Was Edward Cullen ready for the truth?


	5. Ch 5 Girls Who Hang Out With Vampires

**A/n Twilight is property of Stephenie Meyer.**

**This was originally part of Chapter 4 so they flow together a bit.**

**Thank you for the reviews! Keep going, I like to hear what you think!**

**Music: I couldn't find music I liked to work with the beginning. 2****nd**** half Soul Miners Daughter, She **

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Edwards eyes met mine, he seemed to be pondering something.

"Edward, it doesn't have to be tonight," I attempted to reassure him as best I could.

"No, I think that I can handle it if you're ready to tell the story." His voice was strained. I suspected that he was only saying that he was ready in order to appease every one else's curiosity and concern over what had happened to me. "This isn't something that you should have to bear alone."

"Okay, but if it gets to be too much please tell me. I'm used to bearing this burden by myself," I sighed gathering my courage to tell the story.

"For the first few months after you left everything was quiet. I'm not going to lie and say that things were okay. They weren't. I was a zombie. I stopped interacting with people entirely. Charlie would find me in different places around the house crying. It was like a part of me died when you moved, and when Edward... said what he did. I-I couldn't function.

"Ultimately, Charlie threatened to send me to Jacksonville but I couldn't bear the idea of leaving Forks because then you all really would feel like a dream instead of real people whom I knew and loved. I started hanging out with Jacob Black and doing some pretty risky things just to feel alive. I would constantly hear Edward's voice in my head telling me not to, but I started doing things just _to_ hear him. I was in truth, doing them to spite him because he made me promise to take care of myself and after a few months I got a bit angry. Anyway, it was around then that I first heard of sitings of a 'giant black bear'. Shortly after that hikers were found mauled on the trails. People were afraid to go into the woods. We all thought that the bear was the culprit. But then, Jacob Black got sick and refused to see me. I decided to start hiking on my own and I ran into Laurent in Edward's meadow.

There was a gasp at Laurent's name. I looked up to see Esme's horrified face.

"Laurent hadn't taken to being a 'vegetarian,' and passed on to me that he was trying to to find me for _Victoria_." Her name echoed in my mind with a painful finality. I paused because I heard the fabric on the couch straining under the fingers of several vampires. "There's more. She was looking to avenge James as she gathered that I... that I was... was Edward's mate." _That hurt. _ "Laurent was going to 'take pity on me' and feed on me then, so that I wouldn't fall into her hands. However, something interesting happened. A pack of giant wolves attacked him, and I was able to run away.

"I figured out, with a little help, that one of those wolves was Jacob Black. He and the pack started to protect me." I noticed that Edwards mouth was wide open.

"You put your life in the hands of werewolves!" He dropped his head into his hands.

"Please reserve your judgment on them until I've finished, they saved my life several times and it's not like I had so many more appealing choices. _You_ were gone, and I couldn't defend myself. " I checked to make sure that he was placated for the moment and he waved for me to continue. "I spent every free minute at LaPush and the wolves spent every free minute tracking Victoria or watching over me. Every time they would close in on her she would escape and come at me again. I was absolutely terrified that she would kill the wolves or that she would slip past them and kill me. One night she came around in the water to avoid the pack and ki-killed the pack member guarding me. It was... it was Seth Clearwater that night, he was only fifteen and she... she slaughtered him before he could raise an alarm. I woke up with her standing over me.

I stopped for a moment to catch my breath, and suppress the fear and revulsion that threatened to overtake me. I couldn't bring myself to look at their reactions but all motion in the room seemed to stop.

"I was very fortunate that Jake had been on his way to check on me even though it wasn't his night. He and I had started dating. Really he had started dating me, and I was too greedy to give up the only functional relationship I had in my life in the interest of not hurting him. He came to see me that night and found Seth's mangled corpse outside in the woods. He broke my house trying to get to me, that was the hole in the upstairs wall that you probably noticed. By the time he got there she had already started torturing me. Charlie sleeps like a log and I was trying not to wake him to keep him safe. I was bleeding but she had fed so she could resist my blood. I was on the verge of death when he attempted to fight her. She injured him and got away. That is what you found in my room. I was moved to LaPush when I got out of the hospital, partially at Charlie's insistence. Billy Black convinced him that Victoria was a regular human psycho and that the reservation was safer than home.

I could feel a collective sigh of relief but I wasn't finished yet.

"There's more, that wasn't the scar you saw Edward. That one is on my leg, she shattered my knee cap with her fist and then perforated my femoral artery with a claw to kill me when Jacob arrived. I barely survived. The pack never let up protecting me, I didn't go anywhere, including school without at least two wolves. I tried to reason with them that she must think that she'd killed me because she didn't come back.

"But then, then the killings in Seattle started. We didn't know what was going on but someone broke into my safe house in LaPush and stole my clothes, my pillow, and several other things that carried my scent. Sam and I figured that Victoria had made some friends and that the fight was going to get worse. I convinced him to let me leave LaPush and go closer to Seattle after graduation, away from everyone. So that my presence wasn't endangering anyone else. Jacob argued vehemently against that, but I made Sam take it to the council rather than listening to him. Jake was always understandably too emotional on the issue of me and vampires. I camped, in the cold snow with the pack. Everyday I hiked out touching as much as I could to spread my scent around hoping to draw her to me and away from the reservation and Forks. Until one morning when we were ambushed.

This was the hardest part for me. I had to catch my breath and just thinking about what was to come I wiped the tears from my face, wondering how much one person could cry in a day.

"There were about seventeen including Victoria and another mature vampire. I came out of my tent when I heard the howling. She had literally _made_ new friends, fifteen newborn vampires surrounded the camp and they were all coming for me. Jacob... Jacob took on Victoria and her new partner by himself. He was so enraged. He was able to kill them both but he... He lost too much blood to survive. I-I watched him phase back into human form between the shoulders of two wolves just before h-he died.

The tears streamed down my face now. I let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding. I had to work to keep from sobbing so that I could finish the story.

"The the younger pack members formed a ring around me, while the older ones actively picked off the newborns. I was utterly helpless in the middle. More wolves d-died and were crippled that day. After some of our fighters had been taken down the younger werewolves were forced to loosen the circle to fight. One of them missed a newborn as he lunged through a break in the circle at me. I was sliced from my shoulder all the way down to my hip by a claw. Then, a frenzy started as they smelled my blood. The wolves were able to kill the rest of the newborns because they stopped fighting to get to me, and just started lunging at me. I remember tons of red eyes staring at me as my world faded away.

"I had to leave after that. I couldn't face anyone again. Occasionally I hear from Quill or Embry but they're the only ones I keep in contact with. I can't even talk to Charlie anymore." I pulled my knees into my chest and I felt so small, so helpless. I felt like I had just lost Jacob and Seth all over again. I ducked my head into the ball I had made out of myself and cried in a way that I never had before. There had been tears at the funeral, but I had never had to relive the story. The cover story about being attacked by wild animals I told over and over, but not the real thing. I shut it up in the back of my mind, and now that it was out again the sorrow from it sank deeply into my bones.

Esme was sobbing quietly into Carlisle's shoulder. I couldn't look at Edward or Alice; they would be the ones to be hurt the most by this. Rosalie sat still in shock her anger had completely abated.

"We never should have left!" Emmett clenched his fists, and looked wildly around the room for something to hit. Rosalie came to her senses and steered him outside to go find something to destroy.

I felt like I would break apart at any moment. I could feel Alice move closer to my shaking form. She swept my hair back and placed a cool hand on my cheek but it was Edward who knew what to do. He picked me up and held me as tightly as he safely could. The sobbing continued like it was coming from my very soul.

"It's okay, you're safe now. I won't let anything happen to you ever again." He caressed my hair, and laid me down on a now empty couch. He lay there with me holding me until I cried myself into a deep sleep.

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I woke up screaming. I was disoriented and confused and had no clue where I was. I couldn't move so I started thrashing in the dark and found myself held down by hands that felt like they were made from ice. This spurred my panic further as I had just seen the glowing red eyes of a bunch of newborns coming after me. I cried in anguish because fighting was pointless.

"Bella, Bella!" A gentle velvety voice came to me. "Bella, wake up, you're going to hurt yourself."

A light came on near my head and I stopped fighting. The eyes that met mine were not that of a newborn. They were a deep gold, but it took me a moment to place them. Edward released my wrists, and pulled himself off of me. He had used his body to pin me down to keep me from getting hurt. My mind was still muddled with confusion in that state between sleep and waking. There was a steady hum of voices swirling around me. I closed my eyes again embarrassed and dizzy.

I came to my senses quickly and groaned in shame. This was exactly why I didn't have a roommate. Hanging out with a house full of vampires was bound to be worse; they were all awake for my nightmare. My face was on fire. The old pain in my chest, the heartbreak not only from being left but also from Jacob's death and all of the fear that I had been through threatened to crush me. I couldn't be there. I had to leave.

"I need to go." I sat up and found Esme near the door to the kitchen. "Thank you so much for dinner. It's good to see all of you." Before I could get to the door Edward stood in front of it, arms crossed, his face fixed with a concerned frown. He didn't intend to let me leave.

"Bella, there's nothing to be ashamed of, you're with friends." It was Jasper who spoke a soft southern accent gently touching his voice.

"It's just too much. I-I need to leave." I didn't turn from Edward. I was clutching my chest while my eyes pricked with tears.

"You're suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Bella, nightmares are normal," Carlisle's voice coaxed from behind me. He was moving slowly toward me, like he was afraid of frightening me.

"Please, it's just too much for one day," I begged Edward. "I can't... I can't do this right now. I need to be home, in my own bed. Being here with you it just... It brings up too much emotion is what it does." His face was pained. I could tell that he was listening to whatever thoughts his family had about my leaving in the middle of the night.

"It hurts too much. I need some space. I need to ride. I need to get out of here, to be alone." I could hear the panicked desperation in my own voice. "You can follow me home." I suggested, this seemed to satisfy his illogical need to protect me; I'd been just fine without him for at least the past three years. He uncrossed his arms and held up a hand to signal his family to stop.

He fluidly turned and opened the door. I practically ran through it to my bike. The night air was damp and chilly. My jacket felt cool and had a slight coating of dew glistening on it's leather surface. I pulled it around myself and zipped it quickly, then I grabbed my hair clip and fastened it at the base of my neck, rushing to put on my helmet. My hands shook as I turned the key and kicked the motorcycle to life under me.

Edward was already in the Mercedes and ready to follow me. I executed a tight, fast turn in the garage practically leaning the bike horizontal before taking off down the gravel drive. The speed helped knock the edge off of some of the intense emotions that were coursing through me. The black night whipped past me as I leaned back and forth zipping through the empty streets, attempting to ignore my escort. I knew that trying to lose him would be an exercise in futility, so I didn't bother. His imaginary twin was silent, possibly sensing that hearing from him was not what I desired, but a distraction. Some speed would make me feel more human.

I didn't take the most direct route to my little apartment. Instead, I diverged down several back roads that I had found the week before while getting to know the town. They offered me something to do, an escape before having to face my lonely apartment. As much as I couldn't be with Edward or his family, I didn't want to be alone. So, I attacked the slab of asphalt before me at a blindingly fast speed.

The concentration required allowed me to clear my head of extraneous thought and think about what had happened. I woke up in the morning not even realizing that this day had the potential to be life changing. This morning I thought that Edward had permanently abandoned me. I woke up alone in the world.

I knew that I would take him back in the long run. I was his heroin but he was mine as well. I despised the fact that I was too addicted to him to function. What on Earth was I going to do? According to the world he was a freshman but to my heart he was Edward, my air, my life. He was back and it was all so impossible, so difficult.

Did I even want to be a vampire anymore? I had seen newborns, all rage and violence. They had snapping teeth and freakishly bright red eyes that haunted my dreams. Could I cope with those eyes looking out of my own face? Would I be that nasty and bloodthirsty? I shuddered. There wasn't a possibility of having a life with him without being a vampire though. If my eighteenth birthday had proven anything, it was that.

Had I just considered a life with him? Did that thought really cross my mind? He'd been back for all of a day and I was already considering an eternity with him. What was I thinking? This was unintelligent at best.

Then, the wolves crossed my mind. They would be horrified. Edward's lack of foresight had been the cause of the deaths of several pack brothers and the debilitating injuries sustained by others. How could I do that to them? Could they forgive me or would this be seen as a betrayal? They had to know how unhappy I'd been. Would this making me happy make it any better?

My internal monologue was suddenly cut off by the appearance of my apartment building. I had made the short trip take as long as it could while still moving at an exhilarating pace. I parked the bike in my space and removed my helmet. Edward pulled in next to me and got out a barely perceptible smile twitched at the corners of his mouth.

"Had I known we were going for a joy ride, I would have brought out the Aston Martin and had some fun with you." He closed the door. His pale skin shone gorgeous and silver in the moonlight, smooth and perfect. "Alice called, she wanted to make sure that you got your bags out of the car."

I nodded grabbing the saddlebags off of the bike.

"Do you want me to carry them up? It looks like she got carried away again." He opened the trunk and was staring into it.

"I don't know if you should carry anything up." I turned my face away from him, and stared at the open stairway in front of me. It wasn't physically possible for me to carry the saddlebags, my helmet, and Alice's purchases all in one trip. The stairs stood in front of me like a giant wall trapping me with Edward.

"I won't even look in the door. I'll just set them down outside." His voice was soft behind me; it reminded me of how he used to talk to me in gentle hushed tones in my room at night, trying not to wake Charlie.

The trunk closed with a soft thud and I made my way up the stairs with him patiently in tow. Our feet, mine in particular made clicking noises on the metal steps as we climbed to the second floor. I turned the corner, freed up a hand, and debated my next move while taking my time finding the right key. Did I want to talk to him now, in private? It would be much easier now than on campus. I didn't know when I'd make it back to the house, and there was always someone else in earshot there. I placed the key in the lock.

"Do -"

"Well-"

We had started speaking at the same time. I blushed and he ran his cool hand across my cheek. I moved my hand over his, and held it there. He broke into a knee-weakening smile. How could something so simple be so hard?

"Do you want to come in?" I asked hesitantly and dropped his hand. "There are things that might need saying."

"Are you sure you want me to come in? We don't have to do this now," He breathed and let his hand slide from my cheek to my shoulder.

"There's just so much and I don't know where we stand," I sighed and bit my lip.

"If you want me to come in, I will." He leaned in and kissed my forehead. The proximity made me suddenly dizzy. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply.

"Please come in." I opened my eyes and exhaled. This was a potentially dangerous decision. He reached past me and opened the door. We silently collected my things and brought them into the apartment. I hadn't felt this nervous since our first few conversations. At that moment, there was nothing scarier in my life than Edward Cullen standing in my apartment.


	6. Chapter 6 Things to Say

**A/N Sorry this took longer than usual, I have camp to prepare for AND I went through several rewrites on this one which is atypical for me. I kept having to pull it back from being too dark or too hot. **

**So, I'm really sorry that I haven't responded to reviews as much from last chapter. I really appreciate them! One of you inadvertently planted an idea in my head that Edward seemed to like and tried to run with in this chapter.**

**All characters are property of Stephenie Meyer.**

**Music:**

**Sugarland, "Just Might"**

**Modern Skirts, "Pasedena"**

**This chapter has been modified from it's original version, certain details have been added to enrich the story and make it sync up with "The Freshman" and "The Search."**

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Some part of me deep down wondered if this was real or if my hallucinations had taken on a new veracity. How many times had I dreamed of this moment? Edward Cullen was here. He was back. I still loved him and he had said that he still loved me. Why couldn't I make that step? I didn't know what was holding me back. Edward Cullen, the real Edward Cullen, not a figment of my pathetically overactive imagination, stood in my tiny living space.

The apartment was mostly one room the kitchen, dining room, and living room were all one small square. My bedroom and bathroom came off of the back across from the front door. Bookshelves dominated a wall with my favorite volumes lined up on the same shelf at eye level. The furniture was battered and worn out the same as almost any other college student's. Edward looked around, and suddenly my heart stopped for a second. I had blown up some photographs and hung them, the one I worried about was the most prominent – the meadow. Before leaving Forks for Florida I went there and grieved and took photographs. The best one was now hanging front and center over the couch, a close up of a small flower at the edge of the meadow with the rest of it clearly identifiable in the background. It was flanked by a photograph of the light bar on Charlie's police cruiser and one of Jake taking a dive off of one of the cliffs at LaPush. He stopped and smiled at the flower. He would, of course, recognize the meadow immediately.

Would he be angry with me for disregarding his request that I not go into the woods alone? It wouldn't have surprised me if it did anger him. Even when my safety shouldn't be his concern he cared. I hoped that his overprotective tendencies didn't cause a fight. It was the wrong time for us to yell. The night had already been too painful. He and I had both reopened the festering emotional wounds left behind by our relationship and it was time to dress them so that they could heal properly.

Concerned as to what his reaction would be I busied myself by moving my saddlebags to the kitchen table. I pondered what it was that stood between me and everything I had wanted for four years. Was I too far gone? I looked over my shoulder to see him standing in the same place looking at the picture. I guessed that I couldn't hide from reality for much longer; so, I crossed the room in a few short steps. His head turned slowly toward me, a gentle smile touched his lips.

"The meadow," He breathed. "Did you take this picture?"

I could only nod. He wrapped an arm around me and we stood staring at the photograph for a long time. The picture reminded me of days lying in the grass with him, the sweet smell of rain dampened flowers and grass pricked the edges of my memory.

"It's beautiful," He exhaled into my hair.

I didn't know whether or not he understood that the picture in front of him was all I had left of him. It served as a portrait since he took every picture I had. It hung with the abstract representation of my father and the very real image of Jake. Did he grasp the significance of it hanging here? The photographs represented the three men that I loved, and Edward was in the center.

I stood with him a while longer, curling into his side and wrapping my arms around his waist. It was nice to finally stand with him and feel no anger from either party. We were home. He seemed to relax into the pose.

"It's getting to be early morning. Do you still want to talk?" He asked the top of my head.

"I don't know what I want," I murmured into his chest, smelling him. I yawned.

"Perhaps I should go and let you sleep?" He started to pull back but I couldn't bear the thought of him leaving.

"Please stay tonight." I looked up. My invitation seemed to please him.

"If you want me to, I'll stay forever." He stroked the hair back from my face.

A very large part of me wanted to ask him to stay forever right then. I didn't ask because I wasn't ready to commit to forever. It wouldn't be fair to ask for forever after just a day in four years. I wasn't the same person anymore. I was more self sufficient and less willing to let him protect me from every one of life's dangers. Would he be able to handle not protecting me every second of the day?

"Let's not talk about forever yet. I'd like to get through a much shorter period of time first." I mumbled. Exhaustion was starting to take hold now that I had relaxed. It had been years since I allowed myself to be comfortable to just be still and rest.

"Bedtime for the human." I found myself off the ground, cradled in his arms. He carried me into my bedroom and gave me a moment to remove the boots. My feet ached and my knee twinged in pain. I unbuttoned my jeans while he pulled the blanket over me. I considered leaving the jeans on but they were too restrictive to sleep in. I removed them under the covers and dropped them by the bed.

Edward stood by the bed for a moment like he didn't know what to do. That made two of us. I patted the bed next to me and he laid down on top of the covers. He slid closer to me and I caught my breath. My lullaby drifted through the room as I fell into a deep sleep.

Dawn came and a dim gray light shone through the curtains. I turned to find Edward still holding me and my heart fluttered for a second. He really was back; he was with me. I rolled over to face him, still not speaking and gently touched his face to make sure that he was there. My skin touched cool marble and my heart misbehaved again. He was so beautiful.

"I'll let you have a human moment." Edwards lips gently brushed my forehead and then he headed for the door to the living room.

I smiled at him as he closed the door behind him. It was odd to wake up and not feel emotionally battered. The hole in my chest protested his absence from my side but I did need to get cleaned up and dressed. I rushed to the bathroom, showered, and dressed donning the designer jeans since I'd barely worn them for a few hours the day before and a fitted t-shirt. I exited my room to find Edward in the kitchen digging through my cupboards.

"Looking for something?" I leaned against the cabinets.

"I was going to make you some breakfast but as it turns out there's more human food at my house than yours." He smiled over his shoulder and opened the fridge.

"I've been eating out or on campus." I raked a hand through my wet hair. He stood and looked at me; I had accidentally intensified the my scent in the room by moving my wet hair and the look on his face confirmed it. He wasn't thirsty but it looked like he was still trying to hold himself back.

"No, you haven't been eating." He corrected me.

"I eat! I just don't cook anymore. It seemed kind of pointless with no one around to eat it other than myself." I shrugged my shoulders still casually leaning on the cabinet.

"I called Esme while you were in the shower. She's bringing you some groceries later." There it was, he was taking care of me again. I felt a lump building in my throat. I was just fine, I didn't need someone to watch over me like this. "What's wrong?" He was directly in front of me in less than half a second.

"I'm just not used to being taken care of anymore." I managed to swallow the lump back down. "I really am fine on my own. You don't have to worry so much about me."

"Please let me do this. I know that you don't like it when I take care of you but I've really missed doing it." He unleashed the full power of his dazzling eyes on me and I succumbed; he still knew how to get what he wanted. "Since there's no food here, do you want to hit the dining hall?"

The dining hall, school! What were we going to do about school? I moved slightly away from him and stared shocked into his eyes. Had last night cemented things? I still didn't feel ready to let myself be with him.

"Edward, what are we going to do about school?" My voice shook just a little. He took my hand and led me to the table. We sat down and he looked intently into my eyes.

"I can drop the class if it makes you more comfortable." He didn't release my hand. I was glad that he was as eager to maintain contact as I was. A look crossed his face but he quickly changed it. "Or, we could leave. We could go somewhere, just the two of us." He smiled.

I laughed a bit at that. Of course being a Cullen he could just pick up and leave school without a second thought. I didn't have the same luxury, there were responsibilities that I couldn't abandon. I shook my head still smiling.

"Why don't we start with you dropping the class?" I looked at him through my eyelashes and then took a moment to study our entwined hands. It was odd after so many years to look at a hand holding my own, not only that but one that was actually paler than mine.

"If that's what you want." He looked defeated.

"Did you really expect me to just drop everything and leave?" I ducked my head a little into my shoulders shocked that his suggestion seemed to be serious.

"I'm just being a bit greedy. It's been so long and I really want you all to myself." Something about his tone had a hungry feel to it that made me blush. He moved his free hand to my face and ran a cool thumb across my cheek. I turned my face reflexively and kissed the palm of his hand.

"Maybe we could go somewhere for the weekend," I conceded and ran my free hand down his arm, he gasped at the unexpected touch and I stopped.

"I don't want to be away from you for any reason," He whispered.

"I think that you're asking for a lot after four years of being apart. I've changed a lot and I don't know if you're going to want to hang around. Asking me to give up this scholarship and walk away is a big commitment for only one day," I explained hoping not to hurt his feelings.

"I never should have left." he released my hand and got up from the table.

"No, you shouldn't have but you did." I instantly wanted his hand back.

"Whatever it is I have to do to convince you that I'm not going anywhere, I will do it." His voice was determined and although his back was turned to me I could bet that his jaw was set.

"There's more risk involved in this for me than for you," I voiced what I had been thinking. "You have to understand that you have advantages that I don't. I don't have unlimited time or resources to go to school."

"You could, I would give them to you." He turned back to me to make this offer.

"If everything works out but if things don't work, then what?" I caught a glimpse of the time and decided that it would be better to finish this conversation while checking my bag to make sure I had everything I needed for the day.

"It's going to work out." I felt his hand on my shoulder. "Do you want me to check with Alice?"

I couldn't help but laugh.

"Edward, I just feel the need to use caution this time around. You can't fault me for that." I didn't look at him.

"No, I suppose that is one of the consequences of my actions." He ran a hand hesitantly through my hair. I could tell by his voice that he was thinking about the scar on my side. It ached a little as I thought about it.

Satisfied that my bags were packed I closed them up and turned to him. He was still standing very close. His face was downcast. I wanted caution, but not to hurt him. I pulled him into a hug. He held me delicately, like a bird.

"Can I just ask – What are you afraid of?" He cut right to the heart of the matter. I was scared to death of this relationship and the damage it could cause me not only personally but professionally, and not just if it didn't work out.

"It's hard to put a finger on it but I'm not sure I believe that this is real yet. I'm afraid that if I close my eyes you'll disappear again." I met his intense gaze. "I'm also a bit afraid of becoming a vampire if things do work out," I sighed.

"Well, I am not going anywhere and you don't necessarily_ have_ to become a vampire." He looked down at me his face was soft with love and tenderness.

"And exactly how is that going to work? What happens the next time I get a paper cut or worse? Are you going to flip out and leave me again? Are you going to move me with you all the time even when I'm an old woman? Not to mention the fact that there's no way for us t-to... well..._ be_ together without me becoming a vampire and I just don't think that this relationship is cut out for a lifetime of celibacy." I couldn't help but laugh at that. If things held true to form, and it seemed like they would, I would spontaneously combust one evening.

"Celibacy would be difficult, but as for the other concerns Jasper has greatly improved his control in the past four years. He's blamed himself for my emotional state this whole time. I think he might have been as happy as Alice and I were to find you alive. As for the old woman thing, I think you'd be a very cute little old woman." If he had been human or a werewolf, I'd have hit him. This was seriously not going to work. Instead I laughed.

"No. I can't even imagine what it would be like for me to be all old and wrinkly and still in love with this young, hot, teenager at which all the girls are still throwing themselves. I don't think that my pride could deal with that." I tried to slide around the table away from him.

"You're not leaving me many options." He set a hand on my hip before I could slide far and brought me back in front of him. "I'll give you time. I'll give you all the time you want." As he whispered his breath flew into my face and I couldn't help but kiss him.

Before I knew what was happening his arms locked around me and he pulled me up onto the table. My lips parted to exhale in shock at the sudden movement and he made a move. He kissed me deeply but still tenderly. My body shook as he held it to his. I pulled him in as close as I could. My hands ran through his hair. He laid me down on the table leaning onto it with me. His body gently hovered over mine as he kissed my neck. I attempted fruitlessly to catch my breath. My heartbeat thundered in my ears.

When he came back up to my mouth there was a sudden creaking noise followed by a crack. Suddenly I was being held by nothing more than a pair of arms in the air. I panicked for about half a second as Edward struggled to get a better grip on me and keep my body from crashing to the floor along with my now broken table.

"Rules?" I asked as he set me down on the floor.

"We should definitely stick to the rules, and try not to break the furniture," He laughed.

"It's time for school. I have a class this morning and you need to change your schedule," I sighed.

"Are you sure that you don't want to just drop out and stay with me for a few hundred years? School will still be there," He purred in my ear.

"Do you ever stop?" I separated us and grabbed my bags off of the now ruined table, laughing. He followed dangerously close behind me while I collected my jacket and put it on.

"Not the bike again!" He practically begged.

"What's wrong with the bike?" I groaned zipping up and grabbing a hair tie.

"You're just really crumbling my resolve here. Now that I know you can handle it, it's intensely... it's sexy and I have a really hard time controlling myself." He gave me a tormented look.

"Oh! So, you like the motorcycle?" I grinned impishly.

"I really like the motorcycle. I just prefer not to think about it." His hands were in his pockets like he was trying to restrain himself.

"I'm finished at noon today. We could race," I leaned into him and whispered seductively in his ear raising an eyebrow.

"rules, rules, rules..." He whispered under his breath just loudly enough for me to make it out.

"Come on, if you want me to hit the dinning hall before class we need to leave." I opened the door and made my way down the steps with him trailing behind me at slowly. He caught up with me as I attached my bags to the saddle.

"You are very dangerous. You realize that right?" He kissed me leaving me breathless and waltzed over to the Mercedes. "I have to go get the others, but I'll see you there." He flashed me his crooked grin, knowing that I was as worked up as he was before he got into the car and drove away. I took a minute to gather myself before putting on my helmet and riding out to face the day.


	7. Chapter 7 Motorcycles and the Swiss Army

**A/N Expect delays for a couple more weeks! Sorry! I'm going to try to get another chapter written before I get stuck in the woods with a bunch of teenage girls. I promise to take pen and paper with me though. **

**This chapter is another one that evolved over time. I hope you enjoy it.**

**Twilight and all related content belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Music: Blondie, "Call Me"**

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Edward drove faster than I did, of course I was going slower than usual because I had no need to make my imagination yell at me. There really was no need to cut him off that morning, but I did it anyway. This time I did it pulling into the lot, not a space. I could clearly hear Emmett cheering from an open window. It was childish, it was dangerous, but I seriously enjoyed it. I trusted Edward's superb vampiric reflexes to prevent an accident. I should have known he'd be angry.

He pulled into the spot next to mine and furiously stormed out of the car. Emmett sat in the backseat next to the window giving me a huge thumbs up despite the glare he was receiving from Rosalie. Perhaps I shouldn't have cut him off. I looked at Jasper to see that he was concentrating on Edward's back. Edward released his hands from the two fists he had balled up at his sides. I removed my helmet and prepared to face his wrath.

"Sorry?" My statement came out as more of a question. Edward let out an exasperated sigh and promptly came over to help me with my bags. I folded my jacket and tucked it into a bag before he picked it up.

"Are you ready to go have breakfast?" His tone was guarded, he was still mad but refusing to yell at me. I flinched a little bit.

"Let's go," I sighed. Breakfast was not going to be fun. I followed slightly behind him, not wanting the inevitable conversation of my recklessly foolish behavior to start sooner than it absolutely had to. He was still obsessive when my safety was in question. I wouldn't have been surprised to find the motorcycle in pieces at the end of the day.

Edward led me down the wooded foot path and into the dinning hall. He refused to let me fill my own tray, which annoyed me, but I figured that this was fair given the incident with the bike in the parking lot. If he tried this tomorrow we would most likely have issues. The tray was heaping with food by the time he paid for it and we found seats. The fact that he'd filled my plate with some rather high-calorie items wasn't lost on me. I set to work on my massive meal and every once in a while he would pretend to take a bite of something but palm it into a napkin.

"Do you think that perhaps you could make an effort to not tempt fate by behaving recklessly for at least one day?" There was no humor in his voice, but to his credit Edward had calmed down before bringing up the parking lot incident.

"No." My answer was curt. I had taken care of myself for long enough and I didn't intend on letting Edward Cullen tell me what to do anymore no matter how sensible and reasonable this sounded. "And don't touch my bike," I warned him in the most serious tone I could force out of my throat.

"You do realize that you are_ killing _me here." He gritted his teeth, gripping the table while simultaneously trying not to break it. I couldn't help but ponder how many tables I could get him to break in a day. He did need to learn that I was a grown up though and he didn't get to act like my father.

"I think we both know that's impossible." I smiled, intentionally being infuriating. This was going to be a long and difficult lesson for Edward.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I hauled it out to check the caller ID. I groaned.

"Who is it?" Edward forgot his anger for a moment.

"Quil," I sighed. I knew that I would have to talk to him eventually. I just hadn't thought that it would be so soon. Reluctantly I flipped the phone open and placed it at my ear. "Hi Quil." I didn't manage to fake much enthusiasm.

"Bells! How's school? Charlie said your first day was yesterday." His joy was contagious, I couldn't help but smile just a bit.

"School's good." I nodded, attempting to sound casual.

"You sound good." I could hear Quil's smile from the other end of the line.

"Thanks, I'm doing well." I was doing pretty well even for being in the middle of an argument. Something occurred to me. "Aren't you up a bit early in the morning?"

"No... not so much... I'm on the east coast." Quil sounded dangerously casual about that, like there was something to hide; I wondered where and why he was all the way out here. Edwards phone suddenly rang and he divided his attention between that and my conversation.

"What do you mean you're on the east coast?" My heart faltered and I looked wide eyed at Edward. His focus snapped intently to me, his eyes wide with shock. Whoever was on the other end of his call had just said something that took him off guard.

"I'm looking at your bike right now."

"You're what?!" I looked at Edward horror struck.

"I'm standing by your bike. Where are you?" His voice was laced with suspicion; the latter half of the comment was spoken with too much concern. Could he smell the Cullens? I was going to have to meet him and I definitely smelled like Edward. There was no avoiding a confrontation.

"Bells, are you okay?" I had failed to respond for a minute, watching my own pain reflected in Edward's eyes. I was going to have to explain things immediately.

"Bella?" Edward set his phone down, concerned. His eyes searched my face for a clue.

"You're on campus?" I forced the words to leave my mouth so that Edward would hear them.

"Yeah, a couple of us decided to take a road trip since things have been quiet out on the Res. for years. Bells, are you okay? There's a horrible stench near your bike. It smells kind of like... wait... vampire?" I could hear the panic building in Quil's voice. I had to get down there before he decided to do something impulsive.

"It's not what you think. I will be right down. Quil Ateara, do not move and do not phase." I hung up and jumped from my seat.

"You can't go down there." Edward grabbed my hand as I moved.

"I have to go down there," I corrected. "Otherwise he's going to follow my scent here."

"That was Alice and your future disappears when you get to the parking lot. She doesn't know what that means but there's a possibility that you die if you go down there." He hadn't let go of me yet, his cold hand locked around my wrist like an iron manacle.

"If he comes here and sees and smells you it might put everyone else at risk. You could be exposed." I stared into his eyes seriously. He had to trust me and see that there was no other way. This had to be done.

"I'm coming with you." He stood, grabbed our things and strode toward the door practically pulling me along.

"Don't you think that that might be a bad idea?" He stopped and patiently waited for my explanation. "Edward, let me break this to them slowly. If you go sauntering down there with me they might assume I'm in trouble and attack." We weren't out of the cafeteria yet.

"Your future disappeared! I'm not letting you go alone!" He raised his voice enough to call attention to us. "I'm sorry." He let go of my arm. "I've already lost you once and I can't do that again Bella. I can't. This time I will _run_ to Italy if I have to but I will not live without you again." Only the pain evident in his topaz eyes kept me from arguing with him.

"Fine, but you stay back and you let me talk to them alone," I acquiesced. "The treaty is still in effect but not if you get into a fight," I paused, "and they can be a little volatile."

Edward didn't argue for once. When we reached the edge of the parking lot he stayed at the trees. Emmett and Jasper appeared next to him, and as I walked away I noticed Edward place a restraining hand on Emmett who had moved to follow me. Three Quiluetes stood next to my bike. I was surprised to see that in addition to Quil's bulky form, there was one other man slightly smaller with a boyish face his name was on the tip of my tongue but I couldn't place it, the third figure was a copper skinned beauty her hair was pulled back away from her face to combat the heat and humidity and as she turned to face me I recognized Jacob's sister, Rachel.

I ran flat out to her. Having relived her brother's death yesterday the grief was still near the surface. She had lost her Paul that day too. I rushed to her arms and she caught me in a warm embrace. Tears welled up in my eyes and she pulled me tighter as she felt my sobbing. She patted my back gently. I held back these emotions for so long that now the grief was almost a physical part of me, an extra limb. Quil and Brady, I had finally placed the boy's name, stiffened at my reaction to Rachel.

"Have you been hurt?" Quil jumped to the wrong conclusion and stared at the Cullens who were standing at the edge of the trees. I allowed my eyes to follow his and noticed that Alice and Rosalie had joined the group. All of them were tense, ready to spring into a fight. I shook my head.

"It's not what it looks like Quil. Please don't jump to conclusions until we've had a chance to speak." I released Rachel and hugged Quil. He didn't give me the bear hug that I had expected; instead, he gingerly hugged me and tensed. He pulled back after a second.

"I smell him on you." Each word was distinct and angry. "What have you done?" His frame shook angrily in my arms I let go and backed up into the Mercedes to get as much space between us as possible.

"Quil, control yourself." I used the same tone that I had used on Jacob years before. I had to talk him down before this escalated. "There is the treaty to consider. It hasn't been broken, there are five of them and only two of you." He continued to shake. I peered over my left shoulder to glance at the Cullens who were conversing heatedly. Emmett and Jasper were making a move to head toward the parking lot. I caught Alice's eye and held up a hand for them to stop.

"Quil, I will not tolerate any fighting today. Must I call Sam?" I pulled out my cell phone just as he stopped shaking and became still. "Are you prepared to be rational now?" My voice had not wavered from it's calm tone. I learned that this was the easiest way to calm the wolves down and to prevent conflict. Emily taught me that when we all had thought that Jacob and I would be together. The thought sent another surge of pain through me but I squashed it.

"Bells, why are they here? Is this why you haven't come back to LaPush in three years?" Rachel accused. Her rage was fierce but not nearly as dangerous as that of one of the wolves. It was clear to me that she saw my reinvolvemet with the Cullens as a betrayal to her brother and to Paul.

"No Rachel," My eyes fell and I stared at my shoes. "I didn't know that they were here until yesterday. Edward and Alice turned up in one of my classes."

"Why can't they just leave you alone?" Brady spat. "Haven't they done enough damage!?"

"Listen up, before everyone gets angry here. I have already been over that with Edward. They came back for me while we were in the woods that summer and found the mess in my house. They have been living under the assumption that I was dead for the past three years." I looked at their faces. "They've been grieving for me."

"They're not safe." Rachel touched my shoulder. "You know what they are. One of them could lose control and kill you at any time. Is that what you want? Do you want to die?"

"I'm not going to die." I placed my hand on Rachel's. The warmth from her hand radiated up into mine. She stared into my eyes and I returned her gaze. "There's no reason to worry about me."

"There is no way that we're letting you stay here!" Quil clenched his fists; his face had gone dark and angry again.

"Letting me?" I threw all thoughts of his mental state out the window at that. "Last I checked I didn't need your permission for anything Quil Ateara!" I shrugged Rachel's warning hand off of my shoulder and approached him. "I know that you don't like them. I know that you're angry, but you do not get to tell me what to do. Sam doesn't even get to tell me what to do anymore. In case you forget, I'm not a member of the pack; I'm not even an official member of the tribe or hasn't Leah reminded you of that lately? Do you remember her insistence on me being abandoned after that day?"

"Don't bring Leah into this." He glared down at me.

"Listen, the Cullens don't like you, you don't like them but as far as I'm concerned this is ridiculous!" I shouted at Quil. He kept his cool and continued to stare at me. "Quite frankly, I don't care who's who. You are all my friends and seeing all of you," I indicated the wolves and the Cullens in a sweeping motions, "makes me happy." I backed up a little in case I needed to move away quickly. "I still love Edward. I miss Jacob, it kills me that he's gone but I've been dead inside for four years Quil! I haven't been living! So, I don't care what you think about it I am going to take my life and scrape up what little happiness I can from it."

"They're vampires, Bella," he protested.

"And you're werewolves. I'm aware of everyone's allegiances here, you don't need to remind me. However, I am not betraying anyone. All I'm asking is that everyone stick to the treaty and let me live my life how I want to. As far as the treaty and the war that it's held off are concerned, I'm Switzerland." I clenched my teeth and spat icily.

"Switzerland?" Brady spoke up.

"Yes, I'm a neutral country, as is my apartment, as is this town. No one is breaking any treaty here today. Now, if you can behave in a civil fashion you are welcome to stay. If not, I'm going to ask you to leave because if a fight breaks out and anyone dies _it will kill me_. There have already been enough deaths on my account. Do you understand?"

"Fine." Quil folded his arms across his chest glaring at the Cullens instead of me. His jaw was set, eyes hard. There was no point in saying anything further to him.

"How long are you in town?" I asked Rachel, my tone still wasn't back to normal and it came out a little biting.

"We were going to stay for a week... thought it'd be nice if you had a visit from family since you're so far from everyone..." She hesitated over the words.

"If you still want to stay that's great. I have to go lead a discussion group. Call me when he calms down and we'll see about doing something." I cut her off and stalked off toward class shaken by the mornings events. I couldn't seem to catch a break. Edward and Alice fell into step beside me before too long. We had lost part of the morning and Edward hadn't dropped the class yet. He was still my student.

"So, you're going to go do something with them?" Edward sounded slightly appalled, his mouth contorted into a grimace.

"Did you catch the entire conversation?" I folded my arms stopping in the middle of the sidewalk for a moment.

"Yes."

"Switzerland!" I shouted at him and started moving again. "No one gets to tell Switzerland what to do. I will hang out with whomever I want, whenever I want; you are not going to stop me and neither are they."

Edward continued to walk next to me, fuming. When I looked closely I swear I saw steam coming from his ears. He felt like I was taking unnecessary risks. I felt like he was being overprotective and prejudiced. The fact that we both could be right was beside the point, the Quiluetes were safe and I was sick of everyone treating me like a child just because I was physically weaker.

It was Alice who spoke next, "I think I've figured out why you disappeared."

"Okay, why?" I sighed.

"I can't see them. I guess it transfers over to you when you're with them and that's why I haven't been able to find you for three and a half years. That's when you started spending time with them isn't it?" She mused a stone finger gently tapping her lip.

"Sounds about right." My mood was still black.

Edward followed us in to class and put down my bags and helmet on the table under the white board. We were convened in one of the smaller classrooms since discussion groups were limited to twenty-five. He stalked to a seat near the back of the room. I called the class to order and started the discussion as the last few stragglers made their way in. I successfully managed to get an intelligent conversation going; talking about literature was second nature to me. I felt better, more in my element. About five minutes in I noticed Edward positively beaming at me. I blushed and kept things moving along attempting to focus solely on the this week's topic. I couldn't fathom why he might be smiling with such enthusiasm.


	8. Chapter 8 Schedules and Gossip

**A/N Expect delays for a couple more weeks! Sorry! I promise to take pen and paper with me though. I leave next Monday the 22****nd**** and may or may not have a chapter ready when I return.**

**I know that this seems like we're back into exposition but it's necessary. I can't have carnage and serious kissing in every chapter, okay I could but then I would have difficulty sticking to a descent plot line.**

**Chapter song: **_**Lovers or Friends**_**, Cowboy Mouth**

**On another note... I'm considering doing another story taking this same plot line from Edward's POV, thoughts? I think that it may help me get a better feeling for his voice and his responses. **

**Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. - except for the college kids – they're mine**

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"Candace," I called my office mate out of her reverie from the doorway. "Edward needs to use a computer to change his class schedule and the lab is closed. Do you have class right now?"

"No, I'm kind of bogged down with Dr. Stevens already," She sighed and looked up at us. Edward was standing inappropriately close to me and I could tell that this was not lost on her. Her grin was a little too wide for comfort and I suddenly wished that I had chosen to major in business. I heard a rumor that the business TAs had their own offices.

"Would you mind hanging out and letting him use my computer? I've got class." Candace eyed Edward and nodded. Of course she would hang out with Edward, what hot blooded American female wouldn't. I felt kind of sorry for her - and Edward, because she didn't know that he could hear her thoughts. If Candace's words were an edited version of her thoughts, then Edward was certainly hearing some interesting fantasies.

At that moment Andrew came up behind us and needed to get into the office; he and I had to head off to a readings course. Edward and I crammed ourselves into the office. I flicked on the computer, grabbed a couple of items from my desk, and indicated for Edward to take my chair. I wanted him out of my class as soon as possible. He needed to be safely switched over to Paul's before anyone started to ask questions. Andrew took in the way Edward's hand snaked around my waist and stared in disbelief.

"Can I talk to you outside?" Andrew's face was panic stricken. Correction, before anyone started asking _more_ questions.

"Sure, I'll be back in a minute Edward." I stepped outside with Andrew knowing full well that due to freakishly sensitive vampire hearing, this was unnecessary. Edward would be listening to Andrew's mind a well. I hoped that he was as good of a person as he seemed, for my sake at least.

"Edward?" He looked at me dubiously and asked. "He's in your section, you're aware of this right?" Andrew figured things out very quickly. He took a quick glance at my face before - "You KNEW him! He and the other one waited for you after class. That's Cullen, he's why you flipped out yesterday."

"I didn't flip out," I asserted. "I was shocked to see his name on the roster that's all. I'm friends with his family and I thought that he and Alice were in Europe," I lied very badly. Andrew raised an eyebrow and studied me for a second. He knew that I was lying. Why was I so bad at this?

"You can't seriously be pursuing a relationship with this guy. I'm sure he's attractive and all if you're in to that GQ model look but he's what, eighteen?" Andrew was now shocked, his mouth hung open just a fraction of an inch and his hand was outstretched back toward our office.

"Nineteen and I'm only twenty two, remember?" I smiled, Andrew was taking the protective big brother role seriously. I crossed my fingers and hoped that Edward heard that he was supposed to be nineteen.

"People are going to talk." His voice was grim. "Do you really want to be the grad student who dates the freshman?" He crossed his arms over his chest, challenging me.

"It's not that big of a deal, he's moving over to Dr. Stevens' class as we speak and I'm only three years older than him." I cocked my head to the side. Something suddenly clicked in my brain. "If I were a guy three years wouldn't be a big deal, admit it." He hesitated and I got a bit angry. "You know that's a double standard, right?" I heard Edward chuckle through the office door. He knew all about me and double standards.

"I hope you know what you're doing," Andrew said as I slipped back into the office and away from him.

"Find something funny did we?" I whispered in Edward's ear.

"Nothing at all." He leaned back in the chair to kiss me and I turned my cheek to him and he grudgingly kissed it instead. "It's settled, I'm no longer your student. Does that make you happy?"

"Yes it does." I smiled and eyed Candace who had heard that exchange. The cat was officially out of the bag.

"Are you sure you don't want to just go? You could study English Lit at Oxford. Carlisle has some friends there." The man was relentless with this moving away idea. I could sense Candace listening behind me, this had piqued her interest. I imagined her expression at the idea of getting in to Oxford.

"No! I'm not going to leave the department. I got in here on my own merit and I'm at least going to finish out the semester," I reiterated for what felt like the millionth time that morning. "Unless you're not telling me something important."

"No love, nothing to worry about." He passed me my bag. There was something in his tone of voice that made me feel like he was hiding something from me again. We weren't going to make it if he continued to keep things from me.

"Then I stay, and you will kindly attempt to prevent yourself from killing Paul." I noticed Edward become tense again and looked behind Andrew, who was watching our exchange from his desk, to see Paul staring at me. I noted that his timing was officially unsettling.

"Ready to go?" Andrew grabbed his things.

"I supposed so." I straightened up and started to head out of the office.

"Well, I am actually done here, so Candace doesn't need to _babysit_ me!" Edward gave a malicious little smile as he delivered that comment. "I'll be on my way as well."

He got up from my chair slowly. Andrew was out the door first and Edward stopped for a moment. He glanced at his schedule and then at me.

"I have a class in the biology building. I can't walk you and make it on time." He stood and pulled me to him, Andrew was already waiting at the door to the outer office, out of sight. He pushed back my hair and gently kissed my lips causing me to go a bit weak in the knees. My heart fluttered; his fingers swept through my hair and he licked my lower lip before pulling away. "Be safe love," he murmured and released me to walk off towards the biology department, how many biology degrees did one vampire need?

I walked into the outer office only to realize exactly what the goodbye kiss was all about. Edward's jealous overprotective side was once again rearing its head. He had marked his territory. Paul was standing dumbfounded across from my office door on the way out of his office; he'd gotten a pretty good view. I blushed and walked past him to meet up with Andrew. I debated as to whether or not Edward would hear about this later. I walked in an uncomfortable silence between Andrew and Paul, and prayed that neither decided to comment on my love life.

~*~*~

At noon Edward stood outside of my class casually leaning on the wall across the hallway. I went straight to him like a magnet being drawn to the opposite pole of another one. My hand slipped into his and he took my bag with his free hand, grinning at me. I caught sight of Andrew and Paul on their way out. Andrew glanced at us and gave me a pointed look. He really thought that this was a bad idea. Paul smirked and skirted off down the hall toward another classroom. Edward's eyes menacingly followed him until he disappeared and then he turned to me.

"So, are you off for the day love?" He started heading for my office.

"Well, until seven, I have a night class on Tuesdays and another on Thursdays," I explained as we strolled down the mostly vacant hall hand in hand. The occasional person we passed stared at Edward.

"Well, it looks like we have some free time on our hands. Would you like to go pick out a table? It's sunny out but we could head back to the house and look at them on the internet and have one delivered." We had almost reached the office. I blushed at the mention of the table and looked down, smiling.

"What?" His voice took on a gentle smiling quality.

"I was just wondering if you had a quarrel with any other furniture at my place. It would be easier to finish breaking everything you want to replace first." I glanced at him through my eyelashes. He caught my meaning and pulled me closer in to him, turning my back to the hallway wall. He pressed his lips to mine and wrapped his free arm around my waist. His grip was tight; I wasn't going anywhere. I blushed, suddenly thinking about the fact that we were in a hallway and people were now staring at the indiscreet couple pressed up against the wall outside the Lit offices. I pushed my hand gently on his shoulder and he released my lips.

"We should probably consider not making out right outside my office," I managed to say breathlessly.

"I apologize, but if you're the kind of girl who likes to break the furniture, I would imagine that there are few other boundaries," he purred teasingly.

"Fine, the furniture stays in tact if you can keep yourself in check in public." I smiled wryly in a failed attempt to hide my embarrassment. The public display of affection had reminded me of something, Paul. "By the way, I know what you were doing with Paul this morning."

"I wasn't doing anything with Paul," he replied innocently.

"You were making your territory Edward." I lost my smile as I moved out from between him and the wall and into the offices. I don't know if I would have been as angry if he had admitted it or not. However, I found his denial infuriating. In the very least he could admit to having done it.

Candace was still at her computer when I made it to our little closet. She looked up from her game of solitaire. She was eating a cup of soup and taking a break before her afternoon got going. I forced a smile at her and started to gather what I needed.

"So, who's the man-candy you had in here earlier?" Her eyes twinkled a bit. "You're spending an awful lot of time with him to be just his TA." This spurred my anger just a hair further.

"His name is Edward Cullen. I know his family pretty well." I gathered my other saddlebag and angrily chucked a few things off of my desk into it.

"It look like you know_ him_ pretty well too." Her voice was a little too suggestive for my liking.

"Does everyone have to put their nose in my business?" I straightened up just as Edward decided to stop standing in the outer office and make his way into the doorway.

"Touchy..." Candace crooned as I marched out past him to the mailboxes. I snatched the handful of papers out of my box and shoved them in the bag I was carrying.

"Bella... " He stood in the doorway making an effort to look sullen but failing to succeed. He seemed to find my anger amusing on some level which was quite irritating.

"You know I don't like attention and you draw a lot of attention," I sighed. "I'm not used to it anymore. I've spent the past four years trying to dig myself a hole to crawl into and be away from everyone and now suddenly you're here and I'm back in the spotlight. I don't need to be you to know what they're all thinking!" I slammed my bag on the counter next to the copier and yelled furiously before planting both fists into it it violently.

"Bella, you attract that kind of attention with or without me. You just don't notice it unless I'm around." His voice was level and calm.

"I seriously doubt that." I didn't move.

"Do you want me to leave?" His voice was a hard whisper.

"No, why would I want that?" I was utterly defeated. As much as I hated the spotlight and rumors and things being about me, I knew that that came with dating Edward. There was no avoiding it in high school, in college, in real life. Everyone would always look at us and wonder what he was doing with me as long as I was mortal. The problem was that I wasn't sure if becoming a vampire was something I could handle anymore, but I also knew that I couldn't handle growing old with a seventeen year old 'boyfriend'. If people were pointing it out to me at twenty-two I couldn't imagine what it would be like at thirty or forty. I didn't relish the term 'Cougar'; I wasn't a predator. If anything Edward was the one who would be taking advantage of a younger party and I was going to be falsely accused forever. I was at an impasse. I smiled internally at using Edwards own words for this. That was a habit I had definitely picked up during my years without him. I spoke more like him because it reminded me of the sound and cadence of his voice.

"This," he indicated the space between us, "is seeming to take a bigger toll on you than I'd like. I promise you that I'm not here to make things harder for you, quite the opposite actually; I want to take care of you." He gently placed the rest of my things down on the counter next to me and put his hands on my shoulders and then slid them down to rub gentle, soothing circles on my back.

"I want you to stay, at least for now." I found my voice and turned to him.

His hand slid over the scar on my side as I turned and he grimaced almost imperceptibly as his hand crossed it.

"It's in the past Edward, it might have even happened with you there; I was protected." I _had_ been protected that day. The wolves fought valiantly. "I know that it's hard to believe but Jacob loved me as much as you do even though I wasn't capable of returning it. He gave his life for me. He protected me the way that you would have if you had been there. You being in that clearing wouldn't have done any good. What I said yesterday was because I was angry. The physical part of my broken state isn't your fault." He smiled a tiny bit at this.

"Let's go home and buy a table, a sturdier one this time," I smirked at him.

"Home?" He raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Your home. You still have a table, and food." I smiled and wound my hand in his, leading him to the parking lot.


	9. Chapter 9 An old Impasse

**A/n Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. **

**This chapter has been beta'd and all in all made better by Knitmo, because she rocks.**

**Some small changes have been made to this chapter from its original version.**

**Music: **

**VNV Nation, Standing**

**Chris Armstrong, Right in Front of Me**

**Lisa Loeb and nine stories, Do you sleep**

**Cowboy Mouth, Only One of Us**

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"Wait, why are you looking at tables?" Emmett craned his neck over the back of the couch to see Edward's computer. I blushed furiously and Alice started to laugh.

"Bella needs a table," Edward replied dryly. Alice laughed harder and I tossed a pillow at her. She caught it and continued to smirk at me.

"Bella, why don't you have a table?" Emmett had already observed my red cheeks and Alice's laughter and felt the need to flesh out this subject a bit further. Somewhat mortified, I tried to find a way to respond.

"I _have_ a table, Edward just doesn't like it." I tried to keep a straight face. Edward shot an incredulous look my way.

"Since when does Edward care about furniture?" Jasper walked into the room and spoke before sensing my chagrin. "Oh!" He stifled a laugh correctly ascertaining that if there was a problem with my table to be embarrassed about then it might mean something happened to the table not be the fact that Edward didn't actually like it.

"Did something _happen_ to the table?" Sometimes Emmett could be remarkably perceptive.

"Fine, Edward broke my table!" I burst out and then hid my face in Edward's sleeve.

"You broke a table! Nice job little brother!" Emmett beamed.

"That thing hardly counted as a table to begin with," Edward defended. "In addition, it's not solely _my_ fault, you were involved!" He turned on me.

"That was a perfectly good table!" I defended the table's honor in an attempt to distract Emmett.

"You need all new furniture anyway, love."

"Tough luck. You only get to replace what you break," I hummed quietly into his ear and traced my fingers around the buttons on his shirt.

"Exactly how did the table break?" Emmett smirked. I turned a much deeper shade of red. He looked at my face before turning to Edward. "Wow, little brother I didn't think you had it in you." He patted Edward on the back and chortled.

I was saved further embarrassment by my phone ringing. I pecked Edward on the cheek and rushed outside to talk "in private." Although, privacy is a moot point when you hang out with vampires. I checked the caller ID as I got to the door and was glad that I had removed myself from the room before anyone else had a chance to see it. I slid the phone open.

"Hi."

"Hey, it's Quil." He wasn't happy, but he had calmed down enough to carry on a conversation.

"I know." I waited.

Silence greeted me.

"Do you want to talk or are you just checking to make sure I'm alive?" I was irritated that Quil was angry with me over this.

"Listen, I don't want to fight with you." He paused and I let out a sigh of relief. "I'm not saying that I approve of your little bloodsucker fetish because it's just disgusting but we've been through too much and you're family Bells, no matter what Leah says. So long as your heart still beats we will be here for you."

"I can handle that."

"So, does he let you out? Do you want to go do something this weekend?" Quil was back to normal.

"Does he let me out? What do you think he runs my life or something? He's not my dad or my jailer Quil." I laughed. "Are you interested in doing some cliff diving?"

"Cliff diving?" I had peaked Quil's interest. "Where? There aren't any cliffs near the ocean around here."

"No, but there's a waterfall not too far off, and word has it people jump off of it all the time. Interested, or are you afraid of freshwater?"

"You know I'm always interested in going cliff diving," he laughed.

"Good, Saturday morning meet me at my place – early." It was good to be completely happy again. "Did Charlie give you my address?"

"Yeah, we've got it. Listen Bells, you sound good. I may not understand it but I'm glad that you're happy."

"I am happy. I'll see you Saturday."

I hung up not noticing Edward behind me. He moved in front of me, his arms crossed. I had known that he would be unhappy about my future disappearing on Saturday morning. However, I did think that we might be beyond his inability to let me make my own decisions.

"You're going out with the dogs on Saturday?" His tone was accusing.

"If by dogs you mean the wolves who saved my life, then yes," I snapped back.

"What happened to taking a trip? Just us?" He sat down next to me on the front steps.

"I'm sorry, they're only here for a week, today is Tuesday and I don't have anything planned to do with them until Saturday. The whole rest of the week is essentially yours. I might go out to eat with them or something if you think you can handle it," I explained.

"Bella, I wouldn't mind if it was just that you were hanging out with friends. But did you see his reaction to you this morning? He almost phased within feet of you. Rosalie made Emmett restrain me." Edward pulled his feet up to the step just below him and ran his hands over his face in frustration.

"I think that he had a right to be shocked," I said in Quil's defense and Edward groaned slightly. He always had a problem with my forgiving nature when it came to the supernatural. He felt that forgiveness was for humans.

"Have you _seen_ what happens when they phase too close to someone?" He was pulling at his hair.

"I have." I kept my tone calm and continued to watch him. I had seen Emily's once beautiful face but I had no fear of that happening to myself. His breathing quickened. My acceptance of what he perceived as imminent danger was pushing him over the edge.

"You can't go!" He looked at me with hard eyes.

"That's not your choice to make." I glared back at him. He didn't respond except to drop his head back down and groan again. "I'm going to go ahead and go so that you can cool down until we can talk about this reasonably."

I got up and made my way down the steps. Before I could reach my bike Edward was in my way. He had moved at a dizzying inhuman speed to get there and stood directly in my path with his arms folded.

"You're not leaving until we talk about this." I couldn't help but smile at that. I begged to differ. I was leaving.

"I'm getting on my motorcycle and I'll see you later when you're prepared to discuss things like an adult." I crossed my arms but made no move to go to the bike because he would inevitably catch me before I could make it there.

"Would you please come inside and hear me out?" He was exasperated.

"Fine, but know that it's because you asked and not because you ordered me and you'd better continue to be civil," I snapped at him and turned back to the house.

I hadn't been in Edward's room in the new house. What I observed shocked me, as much as the rest of the house had been the same Edward's room had changed. His old room was predominately decorated in gold and black, the new room was a deep blue with brown furnishings. His major item of furniture was still a couch but instead of black leather it was a rich chocolate brown. His music collection had dwindled but I noticed some boxes on the floor that appeared to be in the process of being unpacked. There were more books now, I couldn't help but walk to the bookcase and look at the titles. The shelves were stocked with my favorites. I turned to him, bewildered by the change.

It was like he had packed up everything that was him and replaced it with me. Then, I found them. I let out a little gasp and walked to his end table. A hardbound copy of Austen's complete works as well as Romeo and Juliet. I had been reading those – they couldn't be... I picked up the copy of Romeo and Juliet and ran my finger along the pages until I found a familiar spot where the book naturally fell open. In the margin I noticed it:

_What if Juliet loved Paris too?_

Jacob was Paris. These were my books. They had gone missing the night of the attack and when I had asked Jake about them he got new copies for me rather looking for mine, no one wanted to go back into my room. Under the books sat a jewel case with a familiar homemade CD. I knew what had to be on it, I replaced the books and snatched that up.

"Can I have it back?" I looked up at him pleading with my eyes.

"I actually never took it, I hid it under your floor until..." He was still standing in the doorway. The unfinished sentence hung in the air.

"So, why the redecoration? The rest of the house is the same, except for your piano." The contrast was stark enough that I felt like I had to know why he would seemingly immerse himself in things that would remind him of me.

"After a couple of years I decided to stop trying to forget you. So, I did the opposite. I surrounded myself with things that remind me of you." I sat down on the couch and he moved further into the room. "We found those in your room. Wuthering Heights was too saturated to save but the other two were easy enough to clean up. They still smell like you, probably because of the blood. I needed something to hold on to. We buried Wuthering Heights for your memorial service," He released a dark chuckle.

"So this room is..."

"It's my own personal Bella memorial. Esme brought up my music for me to put back out when we discovered you yesterday. She figured that I might be ready to transition back into being myself. The piano should arrive this afternoon or tomorrow." He took a seat on the other end of the couch and I turned halfway to face him. "I need you to understand that I've gone through losing you once and I cannot do that again."

"You're not going to lose me again, not any time soon." I moved closer to him on the couch and touched his cheek.

"Bella, you say that but you aren't doing much to help me keep you safe." He sighed. "Do you understand why I'm anxious about you going with them? Alice can't see you, it's like you're dead when you're with them. I can't protect you if she can't see you."

"Edward, for once in my life that kind of protection isn't necessary. No one is coming after me." I needed to convince him that my life was no longer that hazardous. We spent most of our short prior relationship with me in some form of danger.

"Danger follows you," he remarked grimly. "Not only that but you seem to court it."

"I court danger?" I couldn't help but smile at the idea.

"It's not funny, love." He shook his head and placed a hand over the one I still held on his cheek.

"I wouldn't consider myself someone who courts danger, unless we're taking about you." I gave him a slightly flirtatious glance.

"I'm not even factoring myself into that equation." He finally gave me a little smile. "Would you like me to explain?"

"I can't wait to hear this," I mumbled unenthusiastically. He wasn't deterred.

"Well, there's the motorcycle, and I'm not saying that I have a problem with it. You love it and I wouldn't dream of even asking you to get rid of it, but this morning you were rather reckless." I started to protest and found a finger over my lips. "Shhh, please let me finish. Then, your insistence on hanging out with werewolves… but what are you and the wolves going to go do my love?" He removed his finger.

"Cliff diving." I ducked my head just a bit.

"That's what I thought I heard. You're going to intentionally throw yourself off of a cliff into water of a questionable depth, for fun." He placed a cool finger under my chin so that I had to look at him. "For you, that's almost courting death."

"No, it's not!" I smiled at his preposterous idea. If he couldn't handle the motorcycle or cliff diving, I didn't want to know his reaction to surfing and the fact that I had signed up for rock climbing lessons at the rec center on campus. "I'm not courting danger or death. These are things that I do all the time now." He stopped looking at me, a pained expression on his face. "Edward, look at me." He did. "I know exactly what I'm doing. Please calm down and relax."

"You're so fragile," he whispered in agony.

"I'm not that fragile." The old fragility argument was wearing thin. Edward always underestimated my abilities.

"Could you at least let me change you if you want to do things like jump off of cliffs?" He ran his fingers through his hair. That was a shock and fairly ironic as I was now undecided on the topic. When I wanted to be a vampire; he was concerned for my soul. Now that I was uncertain, he wanted to do it.

"Since when are you so keen on turning me into a vampire?" My irritation was evident.

"I've made mistakes where you're concerned. I realize now that it's either give you immortality or watch you die. There is no in between." He rose from the couch in a sinuous movement. "If you want to continue to live in this dangerous manner, I'd like you to consider it."

"Is that why you left?" I addressed the elephant in the room. He told me the night before that he lied, but he never said why he wanted to go in the first place. I had a feeling about it, but if we were going to have another argument, then we might as well get all the cards on the table.

"Was is because I'm fragile and danger tends to find me? Was it too much for you to protect me?" My voice broke and I was angry with myself for it. I wanted to have this conversation as two adults and he was going to take the break in my voice as a sign of weakness.

"No!" He tugged at his hair before pinching his nose and shaking his head violently.

"Then why? My soul? Was that the concern?" I pulled one knee up to my chest and my foot slid until it was locked under me.

"Partially," he huffed.

"Partially? Then what else? You've changed your mind fairly drastically here and I just want to know why it's okay now and it wasn't before. I want to know why you left."

"I left to protect you. You were never in any serious danger until you met me and then not only do I nearly succumb to your blood and kill you several times but I also put you directly in the path of James and Victoria-"

"None of that-"

"Don't," he growled, "this is my turn. Then my own brother attacks you on your birthday at a stupid party that you didn't even want but you went along with because I made you."

"You had another option," I accused.

"I didn't want to consider that then!" He screamed and I flinched back into the couch.

"And now it's okay? Now that I'm afraid and I don't want it, it's okay for you to change me? How about being accountable for your actions Edward? When I wanted it, you wouldn't give it to me and you left me for dead. I nearly died _because_ you left! You're afraid that I'm going to die; well, I'm afraid of losing my humanity. Live with it." I crossed my arms and looked away from him.

"Would you allow me to explain what changed?" He seemed calmer and I took a deep breath letting it out through pursed lips before nodding.

"My opinion changed because you died. If you crack your head open on a rock while diving on Saturday, or you get hit by a truck on that foolish bike tomorrow; I will fight my way to Italy – if I have to. I will not live without you again." Edward looked broken but I couldn't do anything to ease his pain.

"Cliff diving and riding motorcycles are hardly reasons to become a vampire and the wolves will no longer associate with me when my heart stops beating." I leveled my gaze at him.

"What about for me?" He turned to me intensely.

"You've only been back for two days and you want me to drop everything for you. It doesn't work that way. It may have when I was younger. I don't know how I would have reacted if you had come back earlier, but for now I don't think you understand the fear I'm dealing with and you can't ask for a leap of faith like that."

It hurt him and it hurt me to say it but that was the truth of the situation. I didn't want to be a newborn and be subject to that rage and look at glowing red eyes in the mirror. I shuddered. There was an impenetrable silence as Edward assessed my reaction.

"Can we talk about why you're afraid?" He didn't move any closer. I dropped my head into my hands and tried not to think of the newborns and their rage coming toward me, to kill me.

"I'd prefer not to." I felt my heart rate increase at the mere thought of those creatures, discussing them was out of the question; I might have a coronary. My entire body began shaking and I felt someone walk up behind me. Calm swept through my body; Jasper felt my panic attack from downstairs and came to help.

"Bella, you're safe now. No one is going to hurt you." Edward appeared in front of me. "You need to talk about this or it will never go away." I didn't respond. "I understand if you don't want to talk to me about it, but perhaps you could talk to Jasper when you're ready."

"I have a lot of experience with newborn vampires," Jasper explained, sensing my confusion.

"I don't see how talking to Jasper is going to help, no offense." I turned slightly to put Jasper in my line of sight.

"Well, I do have a masters in psychology but I have some very intensive experience in training newborn vampires for combat. My gift helps too." He smiled at the last bit.

"I'll consider it," I watched Edward relax, "but I'm still going this weekend." Edward pinched his nose and started pacing again. I looked at Jasper and motioned for him to help. Edward's postured changed and he shot a look at Jasper who then looked back at me.

"You agree to talk to Jasper and I won't complain about this weekend. I don't like it but I won't complain in front of you," Edward offered.

"Deal," I agreed.


	10. Chapter 10 Into the Woods

**A/n Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Beta'd by Knitmo, who keeps me from making the same silly mistakes over and over again.**

**I climbed a waterfall (and fell off of it ruining my camera in the process) at girls camp and this chapter was the result, enjoy!**

**Music:**

**Fleetwood Mac - Landslide**

**A. Armada – Fall Triumph (this is on their MySpace page if you can't find it elsewhere)**

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**Cowboy mouth – Drummer Man**

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The sun was barely up when Edward woke me. The rest of the week had passed without incident. As Saturday dawned, I knew the Quiluetes would be at my apartment soon, and Edward would be disappearing, as had been his habit during my visits with them the whole week. I had eaten lunch or dinner with my friends several times since they ate and Edward's family didn't. I had to admit that it was a little easier to eat with other people rather than having someone solely watch me eat. My life was falling into place. I had Edward and my friends, granted I couldn't be with both at the same time, but if I could then I might be so happy that my head would explode. The obligatory nose scrunching that occurred every time I went from one group of friends to the other made me laugh. They both smelled good to me.

I had not officially talked with Jasper yet, but Edward had stopped pressuring me to become a vampire. I was eager to talk to him, as I really didn't know much about his life before meeting Alice and coming to live with the Cullens. Even before my 18th birthday he had kept his distance from me. Of course I knew that if I needed him, he would help as he had done in Phoenix. He was already my brother.

I finally rolled over to face Edward as he nudged me again. He was beautiful. My heart caught in my throat as I looked into his eyes. Edward ran his hand gently through my hair, and I exhaled softly, and then quickly covered my mouth.

"I'll be back in a minute, hold that thought." I hurried to the bathroom, quickly brushed my teeth and hair, and threw on a bathing suit with a pair of nylon pants and a T-shirt over the top.

When I returned to the room, Edward was gone. I padded into the kitchen looking or him and found breakfast for me laid out on the new table. It was a very nice table and looked rather out of place in my little apartment. I figured that solid oak should be sturdy enough should someone decide to have another impromptu make out session on it. I blushed. A cool hand suddenly grazed down my cheek to my neck. He pressed his body into mine from behind. I could feel my heart lighten and pick up in pace, slightly.

"I took the liberty of putting together your pack for your little waterfall excursion today." His velvety voice hummed softly into my ear as he indicated a daypack that I didn't recognize by the door. "That is provided that you don't want to skip the extreme sports with the dogs and take an impromptu trip to Europe with me instead."

"Nice try," I whispered and reached slightly behind me to tousle his hair.

"I agreed not to complain. Our compromise had nothing to do with whether or not I would try to convince you not to go in other ways." He turned me around gently and cupped my face. I smiled at the thought of his new method of persuasion.

Our lips met and he pulled me into him. The familiar electric spark arced around us and set my body on fire. His cool fingers intertwined in my hair. He pulled very gently but not painfully. After a moment he moved from my lips to my neck his breath cool against the hot skin he found there. I made a desperate attempt to follow the rules. We had gone back to them with some reluctance on my part after breaking the table. He kissed a trail to my ear and my knees buckled.

"Do you want to stay here with me? We could do this all day." Edward hummed in my ear. His voice was gentle but filled with desire.

"Not without breaking the rules we couldn't," I managed to whisper while arching my neck back exposing more of it. He took advantage of the opportunity and returned to working on it while I gasped and gently moaned.

"We could perhaps bend them just a bit," he whispered into my neck. His cool breath ignited my freshly kissed skin even further.

"…not… naïve … enough … to … buy … that …" I moaned out between gasps.

"Of course you're not," he sounded disappointed but continued to kiss me, eventually moving back to my mouth. His tongue circled mine as he pulled me to the couch and carefully lay down on top of me. The kiss continued but became gentler and sweet, less persuasive. He broke contact with my lips. "If you're going to go with them, then you need to eat soon. As much as I hate it, time is still passing and you have plans." He pulled me off the couch, and I reluctantly let him lead me to the table.

I ate the greater portion of the breakfast he laid out. Edward and Esme had decided to take it upon themselves to put some weight back on me. After a discussion with Carlisle earlier in the week I succumbed and ceased to argue:

"_I just don't see this as a big deal," I grumbled as Carlisle asked me to step up on a scale in his office. The amount of equipment he had stashed away at the house was impressive. He had taken it upon himself to be my personal doctor again. His plan on that particular day was to give me a physical since I had never had one._

"_Bella, they're only trying to take care of you." His slender fingers slid the weights along the track with a clinking sound. "We're all a bit shocked to see you like this. You're not dangerously underweight but you're not healthy either. Edward and Esme worry about you."_

"_I'm just not interested in food anymore. I eat when I'm hungry, it's just that I'm not hungry very often." I shrugged and tried not to whine as he indicated the exam table off to the side of the room. Carlisle was very thorough, but I was very thankful that he had referred me to a gynecologist for that part of the physical rather than doing it himself. _

"_It's most likely part of the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You should try to eat more though, or in the very least higher calorie food." Carlisle was doing a very thorough but very fast exam. "You've always been a relatively thin person so a drop in a few pounds has more impact on your body. Will you, in the very least, humor them and try to eat what they put in front of you?"_

"_Alright, I'll try," I acquiesced. Edward had, of course, heard the conversation from Carlisle's mind and was ecstatic that he had effectively won the battle over food. When I finally emerged from Carlisle's office, he was smiling like the Cheshire cat. _

My mind snapped back to the plate in front of me. I had already eaten the eggs and one piece of sausage. I moved on to some sliced fruit before quitting. My stomach was overfull. Edward gave me a disappointed glance when I got up and stepped into the kitchen to scrape my plate. I smiled apologetically and went to look at my pack. I smirked at the extensive first aid kit and noticed that my lunch took up half the pack. At least the wolves were coming along; they would eat some of this and carry the pack for me.

"Time to go," Edward announced as he glanced at the clock.

"I really don't understand why you can't be civil to each other," I groaned.

"We've been over this, love, we're natural enemies and they're all young comparatively. I can control myself around them, but we have no guarantee that they can do the same around me. It's for your safety." He kissed my forehead, then the tip of my nose, and lastly, he softly kissed my lips before heading to the door. "Are you sure that you want to go?" He knew my answer and didn't turn around.

"I'm sure. Now go before World War III erupts in front of my building." I planted a kiss on his shoulder and he left.

They were on time as expected. I hopped into the front seat of Quil's beat up Neon. He gave my pack a questioning look. I opened it up to show him the first aid kit and lunch. Brady and Rachel snickered along with him as I was commonly acknowledged to be the clumsiest person on the planet. I gave Quil the directions and stared out the window while the three of them bantered with each other.

I started to ponder my situation. I was happy but I knew that this arrangement, due to its nature, had to be temporary. I could think of no way to continue my relationship with Edward while remaining human. However, the alternative frightened me. Before the battle with the newborns I had been so positive that I wanted immortality. Afterward, I wasn't so sure anymore. The price was now clear. I had an even greater understanding of the control that Edward must exert on a daily basis just being around me, and more sympathy for Jasper and his difficulty controlling those urges. Would I be a bloodthirsty monster?

"You okay?" Quil looked at me, obvious concern in his face and voice. The car had grown quiet.

"I'm fine," I muttered turning from the window to look at Quil.

"Oh no, not 'fine' again," Rachel groaned from the backseat. "I knew that you seeing the bloodsucker was a bad idea."

"Rachel, please don't call him that," I said softly.

"Sorry Bella but you were 'fine' when you came to Jacob after _he_ left last time. You were 'fine' when that crazy leech was trying to kill you. You were 'fine' when Seth died and then when Jacob and Paul died you were 'fine.' After the council meeting when Leah attempted to have you evicted from the reservation – against tribal law I might add - you were still 'fine.' Do you remember what happened Bella?" Her unusually warm hand was on my shoulder. "You ran. You got as far away from us as humanly possible without leaving the continental U.S."

"It's a different kind of 'fine.'" She had brought up some very tough memories. "I'm not sure why everyone is so keen on bringing up my personal demons this week."

"Perhaps that's because you're unwilling to exorcise them on your own?" Quil interjected with his eyes back on the road.

"Some wounds don't heal. We're all aware that it was my fault, had I not been there you would all be fine. If I had been smart I would have just sacrificed myself right off the bat and saved everyone else's lives." I crossed my arms and focused on the road ahead willing myself not to cry. Quil pulled the car over and cut the engine.

"Don't." He took a hard look at me.

"I'm not worth what you sacrificed for me," I argued without turning my eyes from the windshield.

"I think that you are," Rachel half whispered from the backseat. "I've given up more than most and I think that you are worth it, and you're insulting me by saying that you're not. So, you need to make something out of your life; so that my brother and my fiance didn't die in vain."

"Okay, I'll work through it. Are we going to go jump off of a waterfall or not? If we're not then Edward has offered to take me to Europe this weekend." I shook the negative thoughts out of my head and focused on being with my friends as Quil started the car are resumed our journey.

The waterfall was only a couple of hours away and we made it while it was still early. Werewolves don't drive quite as fast as vampires but they still go faster than normal humans. We got out of the car and found the trailhead that I was looking for. Since I was the only one with a vague clue as to where it was, I led the way in spite of my clumsy nature. Quil followed me and caught me quite often on the slippery trail. We made descent time and reached the falls by 10 o'clock.

It was breathtaking. The trail we took in brought us right up to the large pool at the bottom. A large central waterfall sprayed mist into the air surrounding the deep pool and vegetation crept up right next to the water on both sides. In order to jump one would have to climb the slick rocks just to either side, as there was no path. I was quite pleased to find that we had the area to ourselves that morning. Rachel and I stripped off our pants and T-shirts to reveal bathing suits; I set out directly for the rock wall next to the falls and started climbing up to jump. After the stressful week, I needed a little adrenaline in my system. With Edward tailing me around or riding on my bike with me I couldn't get the rush I needed.

Water trailed down the rocks in front of me. In truth, it wasn't quite a wall but a very steep incline. I found hand and foot holds relatively easily and made my way up to the top of the falls. It wasn't as high as the cliffs at LaPush, but as I hadn't been diving in a while, the height seemed intimidating. I relished the butterflies in my stomach, as I knew that they meant that my adrenaline rush was coming soon. Quil, who was more cautious than myself, emerged from under the water after checking the depth. I smiled. He swam out of the way and gave me a thumbs up to jump.

I took two steps and launched myself into the water, the wind whipped past my face and in a rare moment I felt no physical or emotional pain. I didn't hear Edward for the first time. I didn't need an imaginary Edward anymore; I just needed the distraction. The water stung as my body broke the surface and I found myself near the bottom of the deep pool. Since I had become thinner, I was less buoyant, and had to swim hard to get to the surface. The exhilarating feeling stayed with me as I swam back to the shore.

"Nice Bells." Brady smiled. He didn't speak to me much; this wasn't unusual, he never had.

"Thanks." I lounged on a smooth rock at the pool's edge and enjoyed the spray of the waterfall, while I watched Quil ascend the slippery slope to jump, he barely had to use his hands. Associating with mostly supernatural beings could be quite disconcerting at times. I was positive that more than one of the Cullens could clear that in two jumps. I lay on my rock, basked in the sunshine, and made a concerted effort not to ponder my mortality or Jacob. As much as I loved cliff diving it was a definite reminder of him. Jake took me cliff diving for the first time the day after Henry Clearwater suffered a fatal heart attack. We were supposed to go the day before, but he had been called away to try and catch Victoria. It was a fruitless effort. Her name still sent chills through me and made my knee ache.

I looked down at my exposed knee and traced the small scar with my eyes. I was fortunate that I hadn't needed a knee replacement. However, almost every step was a reminder of that agonizing year; sunny dry days were the least painful. Part of me understood that becoming a vampire would end the constant physical reminder of the pain and agony that my mere existence had caused to so many. The pain that I had inadvertently caused Rachel was enough to make me feel that I deserved so much more pain than the soreness and the occasional twinge of my knee on a cold or a damp day.

I decided to go for another jump. On the way up I allowed my thoughts to wander to Jacob's first lesson on cliff diving. Really, it was the only actual lesson. We went cliff diving a lot after my first jump and I never explained to him my need for reckless behavior. He explained the need to jump out, not down to avoid the rocks and hit deep water. I nearly drowned that day, because I forgot that in water, gravity tends not to pull as much as one's own buoyancy does. I swam down instead of up thinking that the pull was gravity. Jake always dove first after that, and stayed in the water until I was at the surface.

I stopped paying attention to the rocky incline in front of me, and my foot came down on some moss. My footing was instantly compromised, and I slid knocking my head on a couple of rocks. When I reached the bottom, I discovered a large gash in my arm from where I had tried to find a place to grip while I slid down the slippery rocks. I was instantly dizzy and fought for consciousness. I temporarily won the fight and stayed awake.

"Guys I need my pack." I called. Brady was the first up. He grabbed a water bottle and the first aid kit, before he rushed to my side. He smelled the blood and reacted instantly. My wound was quickly cleansed with freshwater, and Brady retrieved a large gauze pad and applied pressure.

"That looks like it needs stitches." Rachel stood behind him, arms folded with her nose wrinkled. I was still a bit too dizzy to speak.

"Bells, do you know where the nearest hospital is?" I shook my head at Quil whose face was intruding in my line of sight.

"No, take my cell and call Carlisle," I whispered just loudly enough to be heard. Quil ruffled through my pack and pulled out the small square phone.

"No service," he muttered. "We're going to have to hike back out of this valley to call. Brady, will you carry her?" Brady lifted my sopping wet, blood-soaked body off of the wet ground and started up the trail. I turned to see Rachel collect the rest of our things and sling them all on her back like they weighed nothing. I looked down at my arm and noticed an ace bandage over the gauze applying pressure; Brady had done that while I wasn't looking. Did I lose some time? I fell drowsily into his chest and felt the heat seep from his body into mine. He felt and smelled just like Jacob. The guilt was overwhelming. I closed my eyes and let the pain envelop me, the wounds were open again, and I was going to have to deal with them this time.

My ears popped as our elevation increased and I felt the trees move past us briskly at a jog. I could still smell the blood all over my swimsuit and skin, the wooziness overtook me, and I choked back some bile before I could vomit. The cool breeze from the jog helped keep me from getting sick but it wouldn't last long. Soon, Brady froze and sniffed the air. A growl erupted from in front and behind me. This could mean nothing good.


	11. Chapter 105 Danger Magnet

**A/n**

**Twilight = property of Stephenie Meyer**

**Kat is not Stephenie.**

**Beta'd by Knitmo.**

**This is a short chapter-let that was originally written to tide everyone over while I caught "The Freshman" up with this story.**

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My head was reeling as Brady wheeled around and looked for the danger that Rachel and Quil sensed. It only vaguely occurred to me that there were two wolves and I was still being held by Brady. The growling continued. After a moment Brady tensed and positioned himself behind Rachel and Quil. Nothing about this situation made sense. I needed to get to Carlisle, why were we stopping? I gave up and closed my eyes out of weakness and a sudden wave of exhaustion. My brain also attempted to pound its way out of my skull. A rustle of leaves alerted me to someone's approach but the movement sounded too fast, something was wrong with it.

"Give her to me." Edward's voice was velvety and smooth even when he was angry. I inclined my head toward the sound and tried to open my eyes, but I was unable to do so. They were locked shut.

"Bella!" he called to me, panicked.

"Edward …" I murmured. I wanted to say more.

"Brady, give her to me, she needs medical attention." Brady tensed and I could hear Quil's bass growl.

"Her blood isn't a problem for me anymore." There was more growling. "Bella?"

"Ed-dward…" My voice was only a faint whisper.

"Did she hit her head?" He growled. "Of course, I'm aware of the gash on her arm but she's slipping out of consciousness, did she hit her head?" For Edward, he seemed remarkably patient. I was a bit confused by the fact that he seemed to be arguing with thin air, as no one openly responded to him.

"Please let me help her. I can get her to Carlisle faster than you can." He sounded slightly exasperated again and I felt the world lurch to one side.

A new round of growling erupted.

"It's Jasper and Emmett," Edward returned their growl. I heard a low almost unintelligible curse escape from his lips and then he sighed heavily. I was acutely aware of two more bodies breaking through the trees onto the trail.

"How long Jasper? Did Alice say anything else?" Edward's irritation was beginning to show. He sounded panicked. "Quil, make Brady give her to me…"

I was slipping further under, my body went completely limp, and I found myself unable to make sense of the world around me. Instead, I floated in blackness. After an eternity I could feel the sickening sensation in my stomach of unnaturally fast movement.

It was like I was underwater and trying to pull myself to the surface. I could hear distorted noise, but I was unable to open my eyes or make sense of the noises. There were voices in the din, some of them familiar, but they didn't make sense.


	12. Chapter 11 Deja Vu

**A/n: At long last – ACTUAL PROGRESS! Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of the character/situations pertaining to Twilight herein. Anything else is mine but is relatively useless without Twilight so... enjoy...**

**Please Review! This story is starting to take longer and longer to get chapters completed and reviews make it worth the work. Thank you so much to all of you who review on a regular basis – you rock!**

**Beta'd by Knitmo**

**Music:**

**Linda – Krug Ot Ruki **

**ColdPlay – Everything's not Lost**

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**We left Bella unconscious, presumably in Edward's arms, and they were running.**

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Upon waking, there was nothing other than the pounding in my head. The rest of the world didn't exist; I was left only with my compromised skull. If I could have clawed it open and ripped my brain out, then I would have. It was dark, too dark to make out shapes. So, I was left with darkness and pain. Darkness and pain were most decidedly not good companions. Pain and I had been on a first name basis for a long time, but accompanied with darkness, pain could be a sinister being.

My mind, rather painfully and rapidly, reeled. Thinking hurt, and I found it difficult to focus on anything other than my pounding head. I would have to take stock of my senses individually. My sight was limited to darkness, which was unhelpful at best. No sound reached my ears, so I experimentally made a noise. The low groan that croaked from my throat was audible. As a matter of fact, it echoed. In order to have an echo, there must be solid surfaces like walls. I couldn't taste anything other than a combination of morning breath and river water; it was unpleasant but didn't constitute a clue by any means. I drew in a deep breath, noticing a weight in my chest for the first time. My chest wall was heavy although I could feel nothing on the outside of my body to suggest an actual weight sitting on me. I smelled dampness and mildew. That left touch, the ground was smooth and cold and hard, as well as slightly damp.

I feverishly attempted to put the pieces together and got nothing. I would have to go back to wracking my mind for a memory as to what happened to bring me to this place. I had gone cliff diving with Rachel, Quil, and Brady. I climbed the rocks next to the falls to make my second jump and I fell. My arm! I carefully reached to touch my injured arm. It was bandaged, but seared with pain. Why did my head hurt so badly? Did I hit it? I had. I hit my head on some larger rocks on the way down and then they were trying to get me to Carlisle. I remembered Edward's voice, he argued with the wolves and then everything went black and quiet. My memory was about as helpful as my assessment of my surroundings, which is to say, nearly useless.

At least I was in familiar territory: helpless, alone, and in pain. I laughed just a little at my predicament. This was the way things always seemed to work out. It seemed to be my lot in life to come to some sort of terrible end. This time I wasn't attempting to take an entire Indian reservation with me; so that seemed like an improvement.

The question that I was left with was: What do I do now? It was blatantly obvious that as I was lying injured, in a cold, damp place and that this wasn't any sort of amicable arrangement. I needed to leave, but I found myself at a loss as to which way to go. Navigating in complete darkness could lead me into further trouble. I needed my head to stop hurting so that I could thoroughly assess my options.

Ever so slowly, I pulled my body to a seated position trying to keep from putting any weight on my injured arm. It took what felt like an eternity to bring my torso upright, and when I finally did, my head swam. The throbbing emanated from the back of my head and made coherent thought near impossible.

I waited for my pain threshold to catch up to the sensation of my brain bashing itself around inside my head. I felt weak and dizzy again. If I could find a wall, I could lean up against it and let my head fall back onto its cool surface. Slowly I crept up onto my feet, still fighting the dizziness. I would have just crawled, but I didn't know if my arm had been properly sutured. So, I stood with my good hand stretched out in front of me and picked a direction to walk. Going to the left seemed natural. I turned and took several very slow, very careful steps. My hand flailed in front of me searching for obstructions in my path.

The floor was more level than I expected it to be and very smooth. I seemed to shuffle on forever looking for a wall to lean against. Just as I was beginning to doubt that I was actually awake, my fingers brushed something smooth and cold. I placed my palm flat on it and ran my hand across the surface. It felt like concrete: cold, perfectly even with a slight texture to it. I gratefully turned my back to the surface and slid back down to the floor to wait.

Waiting in the dark, on a cold floor, leaning up against a cold wall is highly overrated. My mind wouldn't allow sleep as it kept racing when I didn't occupy it. I kept it busy as best I could by focusing on a novel. I started with Pride and Prejudice because it was easy to remember and held nothing disturbing or remotely frightening in its pages. I started at the beginning of the book and ran through every word. It made me long for Edward, but it was easy to imagine him by my side. The cold walls and floor helped significantly.

_You are so predictable._ My imaginary Edward sat behind me with his lips pressed to the back of my head. _How many times have you read this one? _His voice was teasing and light, and thanks to my recent interactions with the real Edward, he sounded more like himself.

I smiled and imagined his lips on the top of my head as I continued the novel. He made comments about the plot and compared the novel to others as I read the book in my head. By the end, I felt some strength return to my body although I was shaking from the cold, and possibly from shock.

_You need to get out of here,_ he breathed into my hair.

"I don't know which way to go," I cried.

_I'll help you. Stand up, Bella. _He ordered me but I didn't respond. How was a figment of my imagination supposed to help me escape from a cold dark place that I didn't recognize?

"No." I leaned forward and pulled my knees into my chest, resting my chin on them.

_Bella, you're going to die here if you aren't willing to move. Your body temperature is dropping rapidly; you may very well die before anyone comes back for you. _He grew impatient with me as I remained on the floor and began rocking.

"Come and save me," I whined at him.

_I might already be on my way, but I can't save you if you're dead, now get up, Bella! _His anger is what finally motivated me.

"Don't you presume to tell me what to do, Edward Cullen!" I was on my feet looking for him. My mind had forgotten that he was only an illusion.

_At least you're off the floor. _He smirked at me and I growled. _Now put your left hand on the wall and follow it. This is a man made structure, you have to find a door eventually._

I didn't bother arguing. I would lose anyway, and he made sense. Walking along the edge of the wall into the unknown wasn't what I wanted to do. My progress was painstakingly slow as I crept along the wall, taking very small steps to avoid tripping over an unseen obstacle.

_That's it, Bella, keep moving. There has to be an exit somewhere._ If I concentrated, I could feel his cold hand on the small of my back.

My hand brushed a change in the wall just before I reached it. Upon further inspection, I discovered that it was a corner. I turned and slid my hand around as I walked carefully in the new direction.

_One, Two, Three... _ Edward started to count my steps; it grated on my nerves and I tried to block him out. _...fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty..._

"Would you stop that? It's really annoying," I whispered over my shoulder.

_Yes, but while it's annoying it does give you an idea of how far you've gone. Twenty-eight, twenty nine, thirty-_

My hand brushed a thin rectangle of metal raised from the smooth surface of the wall. I stopped cold and snaked my fingers over the edge of it hoping that it was a door frame. It certainly felt like one. I caressed the smooth surface before groping for a knob. My hand closed around something just about waist height.

_WAIT!_

"What's wrong, Edward?" I let go of the doorknob.

_What do you think you're doing? You can't barge in there. Listen at the door first and make sure that it's safe. _

"Why?" I began searching for the knob again.

_Bella, I didn't want to say anything, but I was holding you when you passed out, right?_

"Yes..." I blinked.

_Wouldn't it be safe to assume that whoever has you, had to take you from me?_

I waited for his words to make sense.

_Would I give you up easily? _I started to hyperventilate. _Bella, don't panic but there's a good chance-_

"No. Nonononono...." I shook my head violently. "You cannot say that to me. You aren't dead."

_Bella, I might not be, but you definitely aren't a match for whoever has you. Listen through the door before you try to open it, love, just to be safe._

My body still shook from my vehement denial as I turned my ear to the door. It was solid and metal and I doubted that I could hear anything through it. There was no sound, but I still refrained from opening the door. What if he was dead? There was no way for me to go back to that. I had been given a dose of Edward, a wonderful beautiful dose of less than a week and I'd squandered it away in fear and anger. If he was gone, then I would never forgive myself. I should have had him change me immediately or I should have gone to Oxford with him. I should have done anything but hesitate.

"I can't handle losing you again," I whimpered. "What will I do if you're gone?"

_Keep moving, Bella, you'll do exactly what you were doing before I came back. You will finish graduate school, find a man, settle down with him and live an ordinary life. It's what I've always wanted for you anyway._

"But I don't want that life anymore. I want to be with you, forever. Even if it means having to be a newborn vampire and giving up my family and my friends." Tears streamed down my face. "I want a life with you."

_It may still be possible. Remember, I am only in your mind. The real me might still be alive and frantically searching for you. But Alice can't see you here, it's too dark, so you need to move, Bella. You need to fight for us now. Open the door._

I nodded and slipped my hand around the doorknob again. I twisted and met with a little resistance. I twisted hard and heard a faint creak followed by the knob turning completely. My heart skipped as I thought of the possibility of freedom being on the other side of the door.

_Slowly ..._

I cracked the door in a painstakingly slow movement. There was a little light on the other side of the door. This room was as silent as the last. I slipped in as stealthily as I was able, which is to say, not at all. It was an office that looked like it belonged to a shipping company. The walls were dark, paperwork was scattered everywhere and a soft golden glow emitted from an ancient lamp on the desk. I noticed that there were no other doors and panic took me.

_Bella, stop this. _Edward's disembodied voice was somewhat softer and less convincing in the dim light of the room, especially after his admission that he might be dead. _There should be a phone, find out where you are and call Carlisle._

"I'm going to get caught," I muttered, shifting papers around on the dingy desk. 'Anderson Shipping' was printed on almost every sheet of paper, but there was no address. I heard a noise from the other side of the door.

_Call without it, you might be out of time._

My hands shakily reached for the phone and I dialed Carlisle's number. It was fortunate that I remembered all ten digits. The phone was ringing so slowly that it seemed like time had stopped; only I knew that time was ticking by faster. More noise sounded from the direction of the door and he still hadn't picked up. My heart raced and I fought hyperventilation. I was going to die here. After an eternity, the phone went to voice mail.

"You've reached the voice mailbox of _Carlisle Cullen. _ Please leave a message after the tone. To leave a callback number press 66," the automated voice chirped in my ear.

"Carlisle, it's Bella. Something's happened, I woke up alone and injured in what I think is some sort of warehouse. I've found some paperwork that says 'Anderson Shipping' but I can't find an address anywhere. I think - I think that Edward was with me when I was taken. I don't know what's going on, just please find me Carlisle. Please, I'm hurt and afraid." All of the words seemed to roll together and make no sense. I hoped that Carlisle got the message and that someone would come for me soon. I dropped the handset back onto the cradle.

As I reached for the receiver to try calling Alice, the door swung open. Two vampires with glowing red eyes slunk through the door. My heart nearly stopped completely. I tried to draw in a breath but my lungs collapsed like I had been knocked to the ground. The female was deceptively slight in her build, and had long black hair that was braided down her back. She wore jeans and a red blouse. Over all, her appearance was relatively normal for a vampire. Next to her was a gigantic male. His stance mimicked hers in the doorway, his arms folded and head tilted slightly to the side. His hair was a shocking orange hue, it reminded me of Victoria. He wore jeans and a ripped T-shirt clung to his exceedingly muscular body. They were observing me. Without any sort of cue the two moved synchronously toward me. Running would be an exercise in futility. So I remained still.

My stillness puzzled them. I watched as the two locked eyes and tilted their heads in unison from side to side. They rather eerily reminded me of puppets. These two were predators, but more importantly, they were a team. I felt vindicated by my earlier assumption that I was going to die in this dismal little office.

_Bella, they're not hungry. Look at their eyes; they've just fed. You need to throw them off guard. Sit down._

I pulled out the office chair and sat down as casually as I could. The vampires stopped and righted themselves. Both of them were shocked by my behavior. They studied each other and me for a few brief moments before the woman spoke.

"You know what we are?" She asked almost lazily.

"Cold Ones. Vampires. Blood Drinkers." I listed each description slowly and carefully.

"Why do you not run?" Her voice was awkward; she was unaccustomed to speaking aloud.

"You aren't _thirsty_. I have no need to fear you." I shakily interlaced my fingers and set my hands in my lap. The action caused the pain in my arm to flare.

_Good job, remain calm. They're confused._

"How do you know this, little one?" The male asked.

"Your eyes are brilliant red meaning that your body is coursing with fresh human blood." My voice remained steady. "So, you're obviously not trying to kill me, but you want to toy with me until you get _thirsty_. It's really not polite to play with your food and I have no intention of participating in this game."

"She's feisty, I like her." The female gave her partner a grin. "She smells good too, floral, exotic. Mmmmm..." She walked behind me, placed her hands on the back of the chair, and buried her icy nose in my hair. I controlled a shiver.

"So, little one, are we correct in assuming that you are some sort of pet to the male who was carrying you?" He inhaled and leveled his eyes on mine. "Although, I don't see how he resists you. Ari is right, you smell amazing."

_Tell them you're my mate._

"Thank you, I am actually to be his mate when I am changed." The male's use of present tense to describe the relationship gave me hope. Perhaps they hadn't killed Edward.

"Mmmmm... Little one, I fear that that will not be possible." Ari's nose was buried in my hair again. "We plan on feeding off of you." One of her cold hands snaked through my hair exposing my neck. She ran an icy finger down my carotid artery and hummed.

_Tell them about James._

"His coven ripped at least one of your kind apart for less. You've made a grave error if you haven't destroyed him." Talking about Edward made holding my composure difficult. My voice started to slip, betraying the emotions that I felt. "There are seven in the coven and any one of them would come after you," I threatened.

"Seven." The male smiled as he leaned onto the desk, "and you pretty little one would be eight. The Volturi might consider taking you down a favor." His sneer made my stomach queasy. I caught myself just as I started to lean back into the chair away from him; Ari was still behind me. "Your _mate,_" the word was a joke to him, "fought rather valiantly, but we have a secret weapon in our coven, Ari's twin, Adrianna, incapacitated him, allowing us to make a retreat. He and his coven will never find you, if they're even looking," he snarled.

_Do not back down, Bella! Pull yourself together!_ Imaginary Edward was screaming. _You are going to die and I won't survive that this time._

"So, all three of you have survived a run in with my wolves, my mate, and my brothers?" I put on an expression as close to a smirk as I could manage. My heart betrayed me, it picked up. Ari started to caress my head, increasing my panic.

_Calm down or they won't believe you. Imagine that I'm behind you, not her._ I filled myself with that thought and felt my body relax.

"Four," he corrected. "Your friends and your pets fought well, but we managed to evade them. Those wolves have incredibly sharp claws. Adrianna will want payback from you for that; one of them scratched her."

"She's lucky it was just a scratch." I was proud of my friends.

"No, you and your coven were lucky," he chided.

"Colin!" An angry musical voice shouted from outside.

He looked pointedly at Ari and left the room. She slunk around my chair and sat on the desk in front of me.

"Are you sure you don't want to play with me? It's going to be awfully boring here without amusement and I do love it when humans run and scream." She tugged on my hair hoping for a reaction. I gave her none. She lifted her head towards the door and her face contorted with rage before she gracefully pounced out of the room like a large predatory cat.

I laid my head down on the desk and took a shaky breath as Edward hummed my lullaby. _You did well, my love. I'm very proud of you; just hold it together for a while longer._

Sobs ripped through my chest and tears streamed down my face. I promised myself that if I survived, I would no longer put everyone I knew in danger. I cried so hard that I almost didn't hear the argument brewing outside.


	13. Chapter 12 Cold

**A/n: Hey all, sorry for the delay again. I've been working with a client all week. This chapter didn't get much of an edit but I felt like I really needed to get it out.**

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all related material.**

**Beta'd by Knitmo**

**Music: Depeche Mode "Waiting for the Night"**

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A genuine shiver shook my body and I looked down at my apparel for the first time since waking up on the floor. I still wore my swimsuit but I had been wrapped in a green oxford shirt. I recognized it as Edward's. I pressed my nose to the sleeve and noted the faintest memory of his scent clung there. My panic subsided enough for my body to relax and allow me to feel exactly how uncomfortable I was. I had been in my swimsuit much longer than one should be worn and the bandage on my arm had not been intended as a permanent measure.

I huddled, half-naked, in the office chair and pulled my knees into my chest to preserve some body heat. The cheap naugahyde chair was only marginally helpful in my quest to avoid hypothermia. Goosebumps dotted my skin and the cold made my injured right arm ache. I had successfully ignored the pain until the adrenaline wore off and the chilly air settled into my body. The gash burned under the Ace Bandage and my fingers had taken on a slightly blue hue. I needed medical attention; but I would settle for clothes.

There had to be something helpful in the office. I started searching through the drawers of the desk. It was a typical desk; I sifted through its contents with my left hand and found pens, pencils, thumbtacks, a stapler, and extra staples. I sat up fully and tried the rest of the desk. I found food in a bottom drawer and my stomach growled. Cold, canned ravioli wasn't intellectually appealing but my body didn't care. There wasn't a microwave in the room and I didn't plan on searching for one. Something informed me that my captors wouldn't want me to venture all around the premises. I carefully pulled open the top using my thighs to hold the can and pulling the pop-top with my left hand. I grabbed a plastic fork and devoured the can of cold, slimy food. I was hungry enough that it tasted good.

Food did nothing to ease the pain. I didn't think that it would; but I had hoped that food would do something to ease my discomfort. I pulled my body from the warm chair and slowly walked around the office. After a thorough search I resigned myself that there were no spare clothes or blankets to be found. The office's owner didn't even keep a raincoat on hand. I looked at the thermostat and considered turning off the air conditioning. It was set to sixty-five. My hand hovered over the dial.

_You don't want to do that._ Imaginary Edward piped up from behind me.

"I'm fairly certain that I do." I unwillingly stopped my hand. "Okay, why?" I sighed.

_Because without the air-conditioner moving the air and the filter running, your scent will intensify in this little room. _He somehow found the need to explain this amusing.

"But I'm cold," I whined and removed my hand to tuck it under my arm.

_You're going to have to get them to give you some different clothes._

"I'm sure they'll be willing to just pop out to the store and grab me some clothing." I scoffed and began pacing. My head pounded more intensely with every step, but movement helped keep me warm.

_Bella, just try,_ he pleaded. My resistance irritated him. Of course, "Imaginary Edward" was always right. He always swooped in when I had a problem or got myself into a dangerous situation and talked me through it. I would eventually do what he told me and ask for some more clothing, but arguing with him gave me something to do. I also felt that my subconscious' need to have Edward give me all the right answers was annoying.

"You know I prefer the real you, right?" I snapped.

_Yes, well he's not here at the moment. I'm just trying to keep you alive long enough to see him again. _

"Is that why you're so bossy?" I continued pacing.

_That is exactly why I'm so bossy._ His disembodied voice was smug. _I've kept you from accidentally killing yourself for this long, haven't I?_

I nodded.

_Then trust me and stop arguing. _

"Fine, I'll ask," I huffed. I sat back in the chair and tucked my legs up inside Edward's shirt.

Between the stress and injuries my body was nearly exhausted. I felt my body relax into the chair and the icy-cold fingers of sleep crept around my consciousness. Sleep would have been a welcome reprieve. Just as my mind began to shut down, the shouting outside grew louder.

The door swung open revealing four vampires. I was too cold, and in too much pain, to react. The two in front I recognized as Ari and Colin. Behind them stood another small female who looked identical to Ari and a stocky blonde male followed them. All four sets of red eyes were on me but I didn't care. My body shivered uncontrollably and my teeth chattered.

"She doesn't look fearless," the second female sneered. "She's shaking."

"Adrianna, we stalked her and she didn't run." Colin crossed his arms and studied the other vampire. I held very still except for the shaking.

"Little one," Ari cooed and walked over to my chair. She put her hand on my head and I noted that it didn't feel as cold as before. "I think she's ill."

"Is she hot? Human temperature increases with illness," the blonde male volunteered.

"No, she's colder than before." There was no concern in Ari's voice.

"Need ... clothes," I managed to grunt between my teeth.

"Demanding isn't she?" Adrianna continued to scowl at me.

"Oh, she was wet when we brought her here. She's probably cold." The blonde leaned casually against the door frame.

"Why should we care if she's cold? Mark, have you developed a soft spot for the human too?" Adrianna turned on the blonde male who held a hand up to prevent her from advancing on him.

"Darling, I know that it's been a long time since you've been a human, so you most likely don't remember little details like this, but humans have difficulty maintaining body temperature, particularly when their skin is wet," he explained.

"And?" She raised her eyebrows.

"If we want to keep her alive to feed on her later, then we need to raise her body temperature. Humans are very fragile, we need to warm her up if we want to save her for later." Mark's tone was patient and understanding. Adrianna huffed and muttered something as she stormed out the door.

"Is that why you won't play with me?" Ari ran her fingers gently through my hair and settled on the desk again. Anger burned in the pit of my stomach as I stared back at her. Playing and being mauled by a vampire were not synonymous in my book. They kidnapped me like a small child with the intention of feeding on me simply because I smelled so good. There was no dignity in that, and there was less dignity in being toyed with by a vampire who wanted the illusion of a chase. I would be retaining what little dignity I had left by refraining from such games.

"Ari, why must you insist on playing with your food? This fascination of yours with chasing humans around before you drain them is getting ridiculous," The blonde male spoke. He chuckled at Ari, but underneath his lighthearted reaction he was truly disgusted by her need to give her prey false hope.

"When you've lived this life for sixty years or so then we'll talk about finding a need to make things more interesting." She snapped. "Adrianna yells at everyone and I play with my food. You should reconcile yourself to that."

"I don't yell all the time." Adrianna stalked into the room and thrust a man's suit at me. "I got some clothes off of our last meal." She gave Ari a dangerous smile.

"Colin, we need to go stand watch." Ari spoke for the benefit of the rest of the room and jumped off the desk before sauntering out the door with Colin in tow.

"Get dressed if you're so cold," Adrianna barked. I slowly pulled myself out of the chair and grabbed the suit. The collar was stained with dried blood and still smelled of rust and salt. I grimaced and fought a dry heave as I wrapped the jacket around my shoulders. I pulled my arms into my shirt and slipped the straps of my swimsuit down to keep them from cutting further into my shoulders. My right arm was problematic but I managed to pull it into Edward's over-sized shirt and get the strap down. I left the suit on my body since undergarments weren't provided with the blood stained suit. After freeing myself of the straps, I pulled my arms into the large jacket. Their victim had been a small man but he was still larger than me. The pants were an issue; they slid around on my hips before falling off of my rear end.

_The stapler._ Edward sounded bored.

"Yes, I could have thought of that on my own, thank you," I replied before realizing that I was speaking to a figment of my imagination in front of an audience. I stopped and looked up at Adrianna and Mark. They were staring at me like I had just spoken to an imaginary person, which I had. Mark moved closer and the two put their heads together for a quiet, fast, and heated conversation. I couldn't hear it due to the speed and the volume at which they conducted it. I pulled the drawer open and grabbed the stapler. The pants were quickly cinched into the right size and stapled into place.

The clothing warmed quickly. I settled back into the chair and felt my temperature slowly return to normal. However, as my body warmed, the pain in my arm intensified as the blood returned to the wound. The pain escalated slowly and transitioned from a pins-and-needles sensation to a fire; the Ace Bandage was too constrictive and cut into my sensitive skin. I lost myself completely to the pain and tears pricked my eyes before slowly spilling over my lashes and down my cheeks. My fingers on that hand were still slightly blue but the stinging sensation continued. I clutched my right arm to my chest and covered it with my left.

The dimly lit office spun for a moment and I huddled back into the chair. Tears continued to flow down my cheeks. I raised my eyes to the ceiling and observed the yellowed acoustic tiling. I couldn't take this for much longer. My experience with James, although traumatic, was fairly brief by comparison. James didn't have an opportunity to hold me captive and wait for the Cullens to arrive. He had to be brief because they knew where I met him. This could last for days or even weeks until my captors needed to feed again. The Cullens only fed every couple of weeks and judging by the suit I wore and their eyes, this coven had fed recently.

_Bella, this is good, it gives me longer to find you._ I could hear Edward behind me again. I should have found comfort in his words but I found none. This pain was not something that I could experience for weeks. It had to end; Edward had to find me soon.

_I will find you. I promise, I will find you._

I drew my eyes slowly down from the ceiling to find the two of them staring at me again. I wiped my face with my sleeve and clenched my teeth against the pain. They likely took my tears as a sign of fear, but from then on I would give them no reason to believe that I feared them. The worst that they could do to me didn't amount to much. Death would be quick when it finally came. It wasn't an appealing thought; but these four didn't seem to relish in the thought of causing me extraneous pain for some sadistic benefit. Adrianna looked a little put out with the fact that I didn't avert my eyes from hers. She wanted to find some fear in me and prove her sister and Colin wrong. The blonde looked amused.

"Fine, you watch her." Adrianna tossed her hair over her shoulder and left. The male settled down in a chair across from me and we continued our staring contest. I didn't feel the same dazzling pull from his eyes that I felt from Edward's. Perhaps he didn't want anything from me. He continued to stare for several minutes. I bit my lip to keep myself from crying.

"You are an interesting little creature aren't you?" He asked after some time. I cocked an eyebrow at him in response. Did he really mean to have a conversation with me? "It's fairly rude not to respond when someone speaks to you."

"I thought that it was a rhetorical question," I mumbled.

"Alright, I fought the male who was carrying you. He said that he was your mate, and apparently you told Ari the same. Is that true?" He laced his fingers and pulled his hands up to his mouth.

"Yes, I suppose that you would call me his mate," I replied coolly.

"I would call you his mate? What are you really?" Mark's voice was deep and I could feel it resonate through the room and into my chest. He was digging for information.

"It's complicated." I pretended like he had no affect on me.

"We have time, enlighten me. Have you consummated the relationship?" The question made me blush.

"No, we haven't. The self control required on his part would necessitate my going through with the change first," I explained.

"Then, why are you so passionately attached to each other?" He lowered his hands when I gave him a questioning glance. "He fought fiercely for you. I fear that I am actually no match for him. Another few minutes and he would have found an opening and been able to save you if Adrianna hadn't come to my aid."

"He thought I was dead for three years. He won't give me up easily this time," I threatened.

"How does a vampire think that his mate is dead for three years?"

"He left because he didn't want to turn me at the time, but another vampire was waiting to kill me for revenge. Her mate played a sick little game with Edward, using me as the bait, and the Cullens killed him to protect me." I lifted my hand to show him the scar. "She came back after they left me but I had other protection –"

"The werewolves," he cut me off.

"Yes, the wolves dealt with her and several newborns but there was evidence that I was injured and they thought the worst. It was three years before fate brought us back to each other." I sighed at all the wasted time.

"But you're still human-" He interjected.

"For now." I cut him off. He gave me a confused look. "There are some complications." There was no way to explain the situation to him, and I had no desire to explain it anyway. "I really don't want to discuss this with you. None of it matters if you're going to drain me anyway."

"If you're useful to us then I might be able to persuade the others not to feed on you." A predatory smile played on his lips. "Your _mate_ would make that difficult though."

"Then I guess that I'll have to wait for him to come for me." I smirked; two could play at threatening each other.

"Do you really think that he's going to come?" He leaned forward and showed me his teeth in an effort to intimidate me.

"Yes," I answered.

"We will see," he hummed and exited the room.

I was left alone to my thoughts again. My arm continued to burn but the rest of my body was warm. I tentatively touched my pounding head and found a huge knot on the back of my skull; it was tender. Between the pain and my unsteady emotional state I was exhausted. So, I curled up in the chair and thought about my lullaby. I drifted off with my feet tucked into my chest and my head resting on the chair back.


	14. Chapter 14 Trust Issues

**A/n: WOW! Thank you for the reviews! They made my day.**

**BTW – I skipped the # 13 because my chapter numbers don't match up due to the in-between chapters I wrote and it's been driving me up a wall. I figured if I was going to skip a # then 13 would be a good one.**

**I don't own Twilight or any related concepts or characters, they all belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

I'd like to take the opportunity to welcome the fabulous **Lady Rip** to The TA. I'm very excited to be working with her!

Music:

Candlebox, "Happy Pills"

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My mind was teetering on the edge of sleep when my dream changed. I had been in the meadow with Edward. He was kissing me gently and just as his hands grazed down my side and ghosted to areas that I knew he wouldn't normally touch, we heard voices. He stopped and pulled me into a seated position. I groaned in frustration.

"Can't we just ig-" Edward interrupted me with a finger to my lips, and we were suddenly sitting in a closet.

"Quiet Bella, we need to listen. Any information you hear could keep you alive long enough for me to find you." His voice was serious. I felt like a petulant child, but I began listening to the conversation in the room outside of our little closet.

"How long has she been out?" A male voice inquired.

"About an hour; are you here to relieve me? She talks in her sleep, but other than that it's pretty boring." My cheeks colored. What had I been saying? Had he heard me moaning Edward's name during that particularly heated make-out session?

"Did you get anywhere with her?"

"No, I even tried speaking to her, but I can't figure out what her strengths and weaknesses are. I know that she has to have them, but it's just like looking at nothing. It felt like talking to air. Between that and her scent, I had to get out of the room for a while. When I came back, she was out." His frustration was evident.

"It seems that this little one could be valuable." The first male was amused. "Between your failure with her and Ari's, it almost makes me wonder if Adrianna would have the same difficulties."

"Yeah, but if she's successful, we lose our bargaining chip. You said yourself: Jasper's coven has seven mature vampires, one of which is a seasoned fighter, and we have no clue what he's taught the others." He sighed. "Getting them to walk away would be best."

"Since when are you afraid of a fight?"

"The bronze-haired one almost had me. It's like he knew where I was going to move before I did."

"I think you're overreacting." The sound of a chair squeaking caught my attention. He was sitting down.

"What are the ladies doing?"

"Adrianna came to relieve me from watching the complex. Although, _that_ has to be more interesting than this." One of them shifted.

"She thinks that Jasper will reconsider. Apparently, Maria has been able to get his resolve to waver in the past." He paused. "That is one _messed up_ coven if you ask me."

"Seriously man! A HUMAN! Come on!" He was shocked. "Don't get me wrong, she's cute for a human and all, but really?"

"Yeah, I know. Wouldn't that be painful to kiss much less do anything else with?"

"Maybe the love of humans comes along with drinking from animals," he joked.

"Just being in this room is burning my throat, and I fed yesterday." I looked at Edward who put a finger over his mouth.

"I think it's the open wound, but that has got to be some rich blood," the vampire outside grunted. "If we change her, Ari will probably insist on doing it herself," he sighed. "You said that she talks in her sleep?"

"Oh, yeah." I could actually hear him smile. I had definitely said something embarrassing.

"Don't worry, love," Edward whispered.

"Like what?" I wasn't going to be spared the knowledge of what I said.

"There was a _lot_ of moaning. I'm assuming that the male I fought is named Edward, or she's got a human on the side because she was literally moaning his name and begging him to stay." He let out a deep breath. "If she weren't human, it would have been hot."

"If she wasn't human, it wouldn't have happened," the other one corrected. "... heart rate is picking up."

"Breathing is changing, too."

The closet started to fade away. Edward was going with it, and I panicked. My arms darted out for him.

"Edward! Don't leave!" The clearly audible shout snapped me into consciousness. I was in the chair, and I sat across the desk from Colin and Mark. Both vampires looked at me curiously as I sat straight up and then sank back into the chair. A tear rolled down my cheek.

_I'm still here._

I relaxed and wiped my cheek with my left hand. My right arm still burned, and the fingers were discolored. Any hope that I had from my dream dissipated as I looked at the two predators seated on the other side of the desk. I felt like I was looking at my death; one way or the other they represented finality. Either they would use me for whatever purpose they intended, or they would kill me. They weren't going to let me go back to Edward easily.

I was angry with fate. Fate always seemed to have it in for my happy ending. It wasn't bad enough that I fell in love with a vampire. It wasn't bad enough that said vampire left me in a forest. Couldn't it have been enough when my best friend/boyfriend/fiance – whatever he had actually been - died protecting me? It was never enough. My sacrifice to fate was mounting. Wasn't there someone else whom fate could totally mess with just once?

"Good morning, little one," Colin hummed.

"Whatever," I mumbled at him.

"She's not very polite," Mark commented as if I wasn't in the room.

"No, she's not," Colin agreed. "Have you informed her that there's a chance that we could spare her if she proves useful?"

"I did, and she wants nothing to do with us." Mark made a show of twiddling his thumbs.

"I fear that our definitions of 'spare' are different." I rolled my eyes at their obviously rehearsed dialog.

"Feisty, I kind of like feisty." Colin smiled predatorily at me. "Well, you don't have to die. You could be changed."

"Really, like you're going to risk having a hostile newborn who wants nothing to do with you around," I spat. "I may be a mere human girl, but I know that newborns are stronger than an average vampire, and if you were to change me, what would stop me from ripping you to shreds and returning to my family?" I leaned forward and rested my left elbow on the desk.

"Adrianna," Mark answered.

"I seriously doubt that." I couldn't suppress a smile. The reality of the conversation I overheard in my dream had sunk in, and I understood that mental abilities didn't work on me. Whatever it was that she did would likely be the same.

"Little one, she can kill you with a touch. You would do well to take her seriously." Colin brought his red eyes to meet mine. I smirked.

"Death might be welcome," I mumbled.

Colin sat up straight and laughed. Mark stopped pretending to fidget and looked at him. The red-haired vampire stood and walked to the door; he smiled from ear to ear the entire way there.

"We may have a way to control you after all, little one." He opened the door to reveal Adrianna and Ari, followed by Jasper. He waltzed in the door with his honey blonde hair in disarray. I smiled widely and stood up from my chair, ready to run to him, but Jasper immediately pushed my excitement down and hit me with a wave of unadulterated fear. It puzzled me that he would do that. Why would Jasper want me to be afraid?

_Play along, _the velvety voice instructed. I stepped quickly behind the chair and pulled it along in front of me as I put as much space between my brother and myself as possible. Jasper wasn't trying to keep up a human facade; he stood impossibly still just like Ari and Adrianna.

"Prove it. Show me that she's nothing. Feed on her," Adrianna ordered him.

Jasper manipulated my emotions again. I was still petrified, but I wanted to be close to him. Was this how he fed before he found the Cullens? Did he find some girl and make her both fear and want him simultaneously, drawing her to him before he fed? Was he really going to bite me?

"Come here, little snack," Jasper ordered me in a compelling voice that I had never heard him use. My feet placed themselves one in front of the other on their own. I looked directly into his golden eyes and pleaded with mine for him to not harm me. I wanted Jasper to still be worthy of my trust, but I didn't know that he was.

_Trust Jasper. Trust Jasper._ Edward repeated with every step I took. Jasper looked like a vampire. _Trust Jasper._ He was really going to feed on me. _Trust Jasper._ This was how I would die. _Trust Jasper._ He was never going to forgive himself for doing this. _Trust Jasper. _I should have been running. _Trust Jasper._

I stood directly in front of him. His body was in my personal space; a fraction of a centimeter remained between the two of us. I felt his cool breath on my cheek as he ducked his head down and his ice-cold arms locked around my body. One of his hands snaked up into my hair, and I didn't trust Jasper. I really did not trust Jasper anymore; he was about to kill me and in the process crush his brother. My heart accelerated, and I nearly stopped breathing. The hand in my hair tightened and moved my head to the side so that my neck was exposed. Cool air floated across my sensitive skin, and I felt his teeth meet my neck. He pushed a wave of calm over me and started to bite -

"Stop!" Ari ordered as I felt Jasper's sharp teeth push into my neck. He shook violently before he dropped suddenly to the floor. I stumbled backward out of his grasp as he fell. My breath came in short panting gasps, and I sunk to the floor. Jasper had almost bitten into my neck. I touched where I could still feel his teeth and found several small indentations in the shape of a crescent. He had broken the top layer of skin but didn't draw blood. What had happened to my brother to cause him to behave like this? He was willing to drink from me. I sobbed.

"Why did you make him stop?" Mark cocked his head at Adrianna.

"She's too valuable," she replied and crouched down next to Jasper. "Five minutes, General, and then you should be back on your feet," she smirked. "I believe you now; you really were going to drain the girl." Adrianna stood and stalked out of the room.

I stared at Jasper, who lay motionless in a crumpled heap on the floor. It was a test of his loyalty. I was puzzled by the fact that he remained completely motionless. Colin heaved him up and tossed him effortlessly into a chair. I didn't move from my position on the floor until I felt a pair of cold hands around my arms. I looked up to find Ari kneeling in front of me.

"Let's get you off of the floor, little one," she cooed and pulled me up by the shoulders. My body shook with excess adrenaline, which temporarily kept me from feeling my head and my arm. I was still reeling and trying to figure out what had just happened.

"What have you done to him?" I whispered after she set me back down in the big office chair and wheeled it back to the desk.

"Adrianna kept him from feeding off of you. She touched him. It's a handy little way of incapacitating a vampire." Ari could have been talking about the weather.

"But why-" I started but found myself out of breath. "Why would Jasper -?"

"Apparently your little 'family' isn't as close as you thought. Jasper left them to join us."

"But-" I started.

_Don't argue. Bella, if you know what's good for you, you will not bring up anything else. Do not give them any information._

"What little one?" She cooed again.

"Nothing. I just never thought he'd hurt me," I muttered.

"You've been deceived," she purred. "Jasper is a cold-blooded killer. He likes human blood, and it doesn't matter that it belongs to his dear _brother_ Edward's _mate._" Ari leaned in and spoke so that her cool breath blew across my ear. "He will kill you if we tell him to do so, but better yet, he can control you, and I think that you know that." Her words chilled me to the core. She was right; Jasper could manipulate me. Better yet, I knew that Jasper could completely knock me out if he desired.

I was in deep trouble if Jasper had changed sides. He and I both knew my weaknesses, and he knew all of the Cullens too well. Thus far, I had been able to prevent myself from divulging the fact that Edward could read minds. Their lack of knowledge gave him an advantage, but if they knew to expect it, then the edge was gone.

Would Alice follow Jasper? The two were inseparable. Why was he here without her?

Mark slipped out of the room while I stared at Jasper. I thought that I saw recognition in his eyes, but I could have been wrong. It occurred to me that he might be able to hear what was going on around him. I had too many questions, and I desperately wanted time alone with him to ask, provided he wasn't going to try to bite me again and that he was still on my side. He had to be on my side; Alice wasn't here, and he wouldn't abandon her. She loved me, and he loved her; that meant that I could trust him implicitly, right?

Minutes ticked by as my internal debate raged on. He _had_ almost bitten me, but he calmed me down before his teeth touched my skin. Was that a clue, or was he just trying to make me more docile? The suspense was killing me. My foot tapped involuntarily under the desk.

Colin and Ari both looked at me and continued the eerie head turning thing that I assumed meant that they were communicating. I could feel frustration bubbling from every cell in my body. Five minutes had never lasted so long. Adrianna had to be wrong; more than five minutes had certainly passed since she touched him. What if this was permanent?

If Jasper never moved again because he couldn't keep himself from biting me, then I would have to chalk up another consequence of my miserable existence. My life seemed to cause an inordinate amount of pain for my contribution to the world. At this rate I would have to win the Nobel Prize in order to justify my existence.

_Didn't Jasper once tell you that you were worth it?_ Edward was back. Of course he would think that I was worth it; he was part of my subconscious.

'The annoying part,' I thought forcibly.

_I'll take that as a compliment. He __**did**__ say that to you though, didn't he?_

'It was a long time ago.' I had to work to keep my responses silent. My foot was still tapping out a frantic beat under the desk.

_But he meant it._

'I was seventeen. It was before all of the death and carnage, and before your real life counterpart _left_ me.' I refused comfort. 'It was also prior to the paper cut incident. Do you remember that? He once attacked me over a paper cut?'

_Not his fault._

'Yeah, now I know you're not Edward.' I couldn't stifle the hysterical giggle that rushed past my lips. I was rewarded by another look from my captors. 'Do you even remember being ticked off because I forgave him so quickly? Because I took the blame? He's a vampire for goodness sakes; it's expected.'

_And now you've lost faith in him? Do you really think that he would have bitten you?_

'I don't know. He was struggling.'

_Which means that he didn't want to._

'Or that he was told to stop...' I scowled and continued to tap. 'Don't forget that she told him to stop.' I covertly indicated Ari.

_You are utterly absurd._

'I've heard that one before.' I giggled uncontrollably again. I was experiencing a nervous breakdown; that had to be it. The giggling and foot tapping continued. Embracing lunacy suddenly seemed like a great idea. I let every emotion that coursed through me out into the laughter. Tears streamed down my face, and I didn't even attempt to catch my breath. My whole life, this whole situation, everything was so preposterous! There was no reason for me, the unimportant Isabella Swan, to garner this much attention. It-was-ABSURD! Ha! ABSURD!

_Bella! Bella! Listen to me!_

My throat burned and my chest ached but I couldn't stop. I was hyperventilating. Perhaps I could die from laughter. That thought spurred more giggles. My feet pounded alternately on the floor. I started to feel lightheaded.

_Bella, pull yourself together!_

Then, Jasper's head snapped up, and I was calm. Air rushed back into my lungs, and I sagged onto the desk. Tears still flowed down my face as I adjusted my head to feel the cool wooden surface on my cheek. I could sense Jasper moving very slowly; he tested each limb carefully before getting up.

_Thank you, Jasper!_

"He can't hear you. You don't really exist," I spoke out loud.

A fast vampire conversation began. I strained to make it out.

"Is she insane?" Ari's voice was cold and biting.

"No, but the human mind is fragile, and hers has been pushed to the limit quite often," Jasper explained.

"Is this _normal_ for her? I don't see other humans walking around having a giggle fit and then collapsing into tears." She pressed him for more information.

"I've never seen this from _her_, but it's pretty common for them to laugh when they don't know how to react."

"If she's weak, then we don't need her. You saw what happened when Maria changed those mental patients." She shuddered.

"This one's mind is still sound enough." Jasper's clinical description of me sent a chill down my spine. "She's a good candidate in spite of Edward. She has some knowledge of our world and the rules and should be easier to control."

"Colin!" Ari shouted.

"What? I think that we should keep her even if she's crazy; she's quality entertainment!" He voiced what he had most likely said to her privately.

"She is entertaining," Jasper confirmed, "but she also has a temper, which could prove useful if properly provoked."

"You're sure you could control her?" Ari asked.

"Are you forgetting who I am? I trained you Ari. I dealt with the mental patients. I think that I can handle one insignificant, lovesick girl," he scoffed and it hurt.

The tears continued to flow down my cheeks and formed a pool on the wood. The surface had warmed to my temperature and no longer provided the cool comfort that I sought. I turned my head over to find another cold spot. They were discussing my future, and that didn't sit well. I could feel the canned ravioli churn in my stomach. It didn't look like I had a choice.

"There are other possibilities for her though." Colin passed through my line of sight.

"Yes, but I think that the best option is to use her as a soldier," Jasper responded. Ari shot Colin a meaningful glance. I wondered if Jasper realized that my ears were still attuned to listen to vampire speech. Surely he knew that I was following what they were saying. I would make a terrible soldier, and he knew it! Jasper had to be keeping me alive.

_I told you to trust him._

"Shut it, Cullen," I whispered.

"She's still talking to herself." Colin shifted to look at me.

"Would you feel better if I knocked her out?" Jasper looked poignantly at me. He wanted to convey something, but I couldn't grasp it. The day had been too stressful. I wasn't tired - I had spent most of it out cold - but the few hours of consciousness had been traumatic to say the least.

"No, but can you watch her? The burn is starting to get to me." Colin shrugged.

Jasper nodded in response, and both Ari and Colin left the room. He stood very still for several seconds before taking a deep breath. His shoulders hunched, and he rubbed his face as he let it back out. The strain was showing on his face. He cocked his head to one side and listened for a few moments before very slowly approaching me. It occurred to me that my emotions must have made him think that I had indeed lost my mind. He had been making a concerted effort to calm me since he reanimated.

"Oh, Bella." He reached out and carefully stroked my cheek. I sobbed again. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you. I had to make it look convincing. Did I hurt you?" I shook my head, and Jasper pulled me into his arms; my body melted into him. I couldn't breathe properly, and he fought to control the emotions that coursed through me. "I need you to be strong for just a little while longer."

"Jasper, it hurts." The tears continued to flow. "It hurts so bad, and I just want to go home."

"I know, but I need you to play along - for Edward. Can you do this for Edward?" He wiped my face with the hem of his shirt. "He's a mess without you. He even yelled at Alice. We all need you to be strong long enough for us to get you out of here." Jasper gently brushed the hair off of my face and kissed my forehead. "Will you play along, or am I going to have to manipulate your emotions?"

"I might need some help. I'm cracking up," I admitted.

"Just remember that no matter what is said, I'm here for you." He looked deeply into my eyes and must have seen what he needed from me because he relaxed. "I'm not going to be able to be nice to you while they're within earshot, but please trust me," he reiterated.

I nodded in response and sniffled a bit as the tears began to slow.

"Do you need rest?" Jasper studied my face again.

"No." I shook my head.

"They're coming back." He released me and jumped into a chair on the other side of the desk. He leaned back casually and propped his feet. I curled back up into the chair and stared at the ceiling like nothing had changed, but I had hope. Jasper was there to rescue me, and that meant that Edward and Alice couldn't be too far behind.


	15. Chapter 15 Ghosts and Guilt

**A/N: **

**HUGE thanks to XxeNVyxX42! She totally saved my rear on this one and gave me an idea that took 2k words worth of dialog and changed it into nearly 4k of story. **

**Thanks to all who reviewed! You rock and are exactly the reason why I put any real work into this.**

**This chapter is Jasper and Bella talking so there's a possible tissue alert.**

**Twilight is alas not mine... I'm kind of sad about that but I'll survive I suppose.**

Beta'd by **Lady Rip**

**Music:**

**Evanescence, Going Under**

**Cheri MacGill, Somebody Else**

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Ari called Jasper out of the office and closed the door. I felt my anxiety increase with his absence. They stood just on the other side, and I could hear them speaking through it. I moved closer and consciously made an effort to calm my breathing and heart rate before pressing myself against the door to hear more clearly.

"The Cullens are still waiting up the hill." She sounded irritated.

"They want the girl." Jasper leaned against the wall next to the door as he spoke.

"I still don't understand why she's important. She smells too good to have kept her alive this long." Mark had joined them.

"I'll explain once again, Mark, we think that she may have a useful ability. We just need to gain her loyalty and change her," Ari snapped.

"I think that I can help with that." Jasper's voice was soft, barely audible.

"You almost bit into her neck less than an hour ago, and you think that you can gain her loyalty?" Mark was irritated by Jasper's confidence.

"I have a history with the girl, and her relationship with Edward has always been shaky. I think that given some time alone with her I can sway her." I could almost hear the smirk on Jasper's face. "Unless you want to use her to bargain with the Cullens? They'd give you just about anything for her."

"She's just a human girl, and an unstable one at that. How could she be so important to them?" Mark couldn't grasp the concept of love.

"It's a long story, but if you want me to tell it..."

"Could you sum it up?" Ari's voice was annoyed and muffled like she had turned her back to the door.

"It comes down to the fact that Edward is picky and the rest of the coven will do anything for him. He was the first vampire that Carlisle created, and he looks on Edward as a child. This girl is the only female that Edward has shown interest in since his creation. That coupled with the fact that she has an ability that manifests itself while she's still human makes her a valuable commodity." Jasper managed to seem convincingly disinterested in my fate.

"Given that, you think that we should turn her back over to the Cullens in exchange for territory?" Ari huffed.

"No, I think that we should brainwash her and turn her over. Then, we get the territory, and she'll come back to us." Jasper chuckled darkly. "I think that we can change her mind about Edward. He left her once before and she's been hesitant to commit to him since. And it all hinges on why he left."

"Why did he leave?" Mark was eager to get this information; he had tried with me earlier but I hadn't cooperated.

"She wanted to become a vampire, and he refused to change her. He cited some nonsense about taking away her soul. But he realized that she wasn't safe as a human with us, so he left her." He paused. "She's very easily influenced. I can plant a seed of doubt in her mind, convince her that she has a future here, and she'll be back to us in days when he refuses to change her, but I will need some time alone with her."

"That's brilliant." Ari was pleased. "I knew that you were the same cold-blooded general you were for Maria." My heart picked up involuntarily at the way she said 'Maria' like Maria was someone to be feared. The name was uttered with a combination of fear and reverence. "We don't change. It's good to have you back. Proceed with the girl; I'll send Adrianna up to negotiate a meeting."

There was a light scratching at the door as if someone ran his finger along it, and an unnatural jolt of additional fear overcame me. I backed away from the door to the desk. I stood beside it, shaking as the door slowly swung open.

"Don't do that again." Jasper gave me a stern look and took away the excess fear. "I heard you behind the door. You were dangerously close to getting caught eavesdropping and then you would have really been a snack."

"I'm sorry, Jasper." I moved my arm and winced.

"I forgot about that." He indicated my arm. "Let me see if there's some medicine around here. Where would I find it?"

"A first aid kit maybe? There's nothing in here." I shook my head.

Jasper disappeared for a moment and returned with water and a large red first aid kit. He kept at least a three-foot distance between the two of us opting to set the items down and slide them forward on the desk rather than handing them to me. I opened up the box and rifled through it until I found some small Tylenol packets. I ripped one open with my teeth, popped the tablets in my mouth and drank the entire bottle of water in one gulp. Jasper looked on in amusement.

"Thank you," I half gasped before I had completely lowered the bottle from my mouth. "I haven't had anything to drink since this morning."

"Do you need to eat? Edward will rip me to shreds if I don't take care of you." His slight smile only partially hid the seriousness of his statement.

"I found some canned food in the drawer earlier. Ironically enough it was ravioli; I think that ravioli is the official food of danger." Jasper didn't get my joke, but I was rewarded with a soft chuckle from the back of my mind. It seemed like a lifetime had passed since I sat in La Bella Italia with Edward eating ravioli and trying to assure him that I was fine.

"Are you ready to talk?" Jasper's tone became serious.

"About what?" I shifted my weight anxiously.

"You've been avoiding me since you agreed to therapy." He sat down and indicated that I should do the same.

"Oh, that." I fell into the chair.

"Yes, that." He smiled.

"I'm not sure that this is the appropriate time or place." I tried to back out of the discussion.

"Bella, we're stuck here for a few hours yet, and you're already upset. We might as well get this started. Our current situation might actually be helpful." Jasper folded his hands.

"Fine, you're the therapist." I sighed.

"Listen," he dropped his voice, "getting you out of here is going to be a challenge. Their ambition is more political than dietary. They want territory. Tonight, you're going to find yourself in the middle of another fight. You need to be prepared."

"So, this isn't just a rescue?" I raised an eyebrow.

"No, they have to be stopped, Bella, and the only way to do that is to kill them." His eyes met mine, and I realized that he was serious. My heart stopped. Edward and his family would be fighting a highly dangerous coven of vampires in just a few hours. I let out a shaky breath as Jasper studied me a little more intensely.

"Does that bother you, Bella?" He leaned forward.

"Yes." I nodded.

"Let's talk about why exactly that bothers you," he probed.

"Well, first there's the fact that I don't want any of you to die because of me. If I hadn't gone cliff diving and cut my arm-"

"That emotion, right there." He stopped me.

"What emotion?" I squinted at him.

"Let's set aside the political situation because we would fight for you anyway. What matters is that you don't think that you're worth it. You and I have talked about this before. A little over four years ago, right before we left for Phoenix." His words halted my breathing again.

"We have, and I still contend that I'm not worth the risk. I'm not willing to trade my life for yours or Edwards or Alice's or anyone else's." I raised my voice.

"What you don't see, Bella, is that any of us, including Rosalie, would willingly give our lives for yours," he explained.

"I just don't understand it." I shook my head.

"It's love, Bella. We would do anything to save you because we love you." He took an unnecessary breath and blew it out. "I know that you would do the same."

"How?" My head moved backward involuntarily, revealing my skepticism.

"At the airport in Phoenix, you ran from me. You ran out of a safe controllable situation into a dangerous one for more than one reason." Jasper could see right through me. His voice suddenly became stern. "By the way, don't even think about that this evening. I know what to look for now, and you won't fool me again; I will knock you unconscious before you make it three feet."

"Alright, no running," I agreed.

"-And no endangering yourself either," he added, pointing at me.

"I can't promise that. Remember, I'm a walking danger magnet; it just finds me." I smiled slightly.

"No excuses, Bella. Tonight you are going to do exactly what you are told." He pointed again.

"Yes, sir," I quipped.

"Now, back to the matter at hand." He seemed satisfied with my answer. "You thought that James had your mother, but you knew that we could have found a way to retrieve her safely."

"Could you have?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Alice would have looked for your mother. You can't think that we would have left her to die or that we would endanger her. You knew us well enough for that." None of us had ever approached the subject of my dangerous run to save my mother. He wasn't exactly angry, but he was upset that I hadn't trusted him or Alice. I knew that he was right, but I hadn't thought about getting help at the time. "Instead of telling us, you ran away from me through an airport bathroom and went straight to him, why?"

"You know why." I didn't like his question.

"You need to say it."

"Because a fight was guaranteed at that point, and I would rather die than endanger someone else." I groaned. "I thought that if he just wanted me it would be over quickly and everyone else would be safe."

"You know that we watched the video," he whispered. "He didn't want you. James wanted Edward."

"I know." I nodded. This was a topic that made me uncomfortable. I had been able to block the incident with James out of my memory; it had been suppressed along with all the teasing I endured during middle school and long fishing trips down at LaPush. It wasn't as traumatic as watching the wolves battle newborns but it hurt enough that I buried the emotions as deeply as I could.

"I know that you're selfless to a fault but why do you refuse to believe that you are just as valuable as any of us?" Jasper's voice was neutral, but I refused to look at him. I had no response for this. "Bella, answer the question."

"I don't have an answer." My voice broke unexpectedly.

"Alright." He sighed. "We're going to move on to a harder topic."

"You want to talk about the newborns," I stated bringing a sharp breath of air into my lungs.

"No, I want to talk about Edward." The words were so simple and clear, but they didn't immediately register in my brain. I ran the phrase over again in my mind and froze when I comprehended it.

"You want to talk about Edward." My eyes stayed focused on a fixed point on the wall while Jasper beat down the panic that bubbled up in my chest. "You think that I should talk to you about your mind-reading brother in a setting where your psychic wife is most likely sitting right next to him, with him listening to her mind while she tries to watch us." I turned to him. "He won't just turn away politely. He used to watch me through Jessica Stanley and Mike Newton! There is no way that we're talking about Edward."

"You are aware that you are the only one who has any secrets from him." I expected him to be joking, but his face was dead serious. Jasper Whitlock Hale wanted me to discuss his mind-reading brother with him.

"There is no circumstance under which I would even consider having that discussion." I panicked again, but Jasper quickly tamped it down.

"He already knows that he's hurt you greatly. Talking about it would be very constructive, and I know that the two of you don't talk about how he hurt you. He needs to know Bella. He has a right to know," Jasper pleaded.

"That's private," I snapped.

"No, the two of you need to fully understand each other, and that is most certainly not going to happen when you aren't being honest with him." He stopped to assess my reaction and pulled back his control over my emotions. I felt the fear that gripped me every time Edward was near and every time that he had to leave my side. "You can't expect to have a lasting relationship when you aren't one hundred percent committed to it. He needs to know where he stands, and you need to resolve this before you commit yourself to a serious relationship again."

"Fine." My breathing was ragged as he allowed me to actually feel the emotions that rolled under the surface of my skin. "What do you want me to start with?"

"Well, you seem to resent yourself and not him. For most women this would be the other way around. Can we talk about that?" He was open and accepting, but this delved much deeper than I really wanted to explore. My self-loathing and resentment did have to do with Edward, but it had more to do with Jacob Black. "I just felt it double. Will you tell me what you're thinking about?"

"Jacob Black." The words were a painful whisper. I felt like the air had been sucked from my body. "I don't blame Edward because I blame myself, and that has everything to do with Jacob Black." My heart sat in my throat, and my eyes teared up slightly; I remembered exactly how I'd hurt him.

"What did you do to Jacob, Bella?" Jasper's voice was soothing, and he spoke in a hushed tone. There was one memory that came to mind and that defined my relationship with Jacob as well as my failure with him.

"It was our last night together..."

I told Jasper the story as I remembered it:

Even in the early summer the mountains were white with snow from a freak snowstorm. The Quiluete wolf pack camped with me in the freezing snow; each of them came to me and reminded me that I was the only one bothered by it. I tried to sleep alone in my tent, but after a few hours of teeth-chattering cold, Jacob phased back into a human and came in to warm me up. My body shook so violently that I didn't object to him stripping off my clothes to raise my temperature faster.

He pulled me into the sleeping bag wearing only my bra and underwear and zipped us in. My body temperature warmed, and Jacob took advantage our position to kiss me. I was fine at first but when his hand swept from my shoulder to the small of my back, I froze. He stopped right away. In several months of dating it was the most intimate that we'd gotten, and I couldn't bear it. I started sobbing, and he pulled me tighter into his chest.

"Its alright, Bells. We can take things slow." He smelled earthy like pine straw and freshly turned soil. He smoothed my hair with one of his hands. "I can wait," he whispered into my hair.

The problem wasn't physical intimacy. The problem lay in the fact that I wanted Edward to be the one holding me; I wanted his hands sliding down my naked back, not Jake's.

After he was satisfied that I was warm enough, I crawled out of the sleeping bag and slid my clothing back on. It was hard for me to move around in the tent because of the cold weather. My knee was still healing, and the cold made it stiff so moving it was nearly unmanageable. It felt awkward and unnatural, but I snuggled back close to Jacob's warm body to sleep. I turned so that he couldn't see the tears sliding down my cheeks and cried myself to sleep.

Werewolves, unlike vampires, do sleep. However, they don't need as much sleep as a human needs. So, Jake was awake when I started dreaming. That night I dreamed about Edward. It wasn't the nightmare that I usually had about hunting for him in a maze of forest. In my dream that night, I found Edward. He was everything that I had remembered, and he wanted me. It was then that I talked in my sleep. Jake had never slept over, and he had never been around when I was asleep and not drugged to stay that way; so, this was his first exposure to me talking in my sleep, and it ripped him to shreds.

I told Edward that I had always loved him and that I always would. We kissed and as he moved from my lips to my neck to allow me to catch my breath, I moaned and spoke to him again. In my dream, he promised never to leave me again, and I told him that I wanted to be a vampire and to be with him forever.

Jake heard it all; the part about forever wounded him in particular.

The sun had just risen when I woke up. Jake was still zipped into the bag with me, but his arms no longer surrounded my body, they were stiff and as far away from me as he could get them. He was trembling. I carefully slid the zipper of the bag down so that I could roll over and look at him and when I turned I knew that I had said something in my sleep. It took several minutes to remember the dream in my groggy half-aware state. Jacob refused to look me in the eye, and my heart broke for him.

"Jake?" I finally gathered the nerve to speak. He didn't respond at first.

"You're never going to get past this are you?" he growled at me. For the first time in my life, I was frightened of Jacob Black.

"Get past what, Jake?" My body shook from fear and cold, and I desperately attempted to pretend like I didn't remember the beautiful dream with Edward.

"Don't lie, Bella; you're not good at it, and you talk in your sleep." Jacob almost never called me Bella; it was always 'Bells'. I felt tears build up behind my eyes, but I held them back. He crawled out of the bag and put as much distance between us as he could in the tent. I mourned the loss.

"I can't help what I dream, Jake." My voice broke, and a tear slid down my face. I knew that I was breaking my best friend's heart and that I had led him on from the first moment on LaPush beach when I first met him again. I flirted with him and gave him false hope and then I used him again when Edward was gone and my other friends would no longer speak to me. I, Isabella Marie Swan, single-handedly broke Jacob Black into tiny unrecognizable pieces.

"I thought that we were finally working past this. It's been – what - nine months … closer to ten and you're still not over him. You. Dream. About. HIM. But he's not coming back! You should know that he's never coming back!" Jacob's body shimmered around the edges almost imperceptibly; he was trying not to phase so close to me. "He left you Bella! He left you in terrible danger and didn't even leave you a way to contact him. This wasn't a normal break up. How long is it going to take for you to stop this and put your life back together? How long, Bella?" I knew that the entire camp could hear him screaming at me.

"I'm so sorry, Jacob." My lower lip trembled, and I fought to maintain composure. It was embarrassing enough that the entire pack would know that I pathetically still dreamed about a life with Edward. The fact that I had hurt Jacob would be well known, but I didn't have to scream back. I didn't have to confirm my pathetic inability to move on in my own voice.

"You're sorry." His voice was finally calm, but he looked away from me like I was disgusting. "Is that it?" His face twisted into a sneer.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," I whispered, and his head snapped back around to stare at me. He looked me directly in the eye and let out a mirthless laugh.

"Is that supposed to make it better?" His anger still simmered just under the surface as he fought to keep his body human.

"No, I know that it doesn't help." I felt the hole in my chest reopen. Jacob could never permanently fill what Edward had left behind, and I knew that. "If you want to go -" I pulled my hands to cover my chest.

"I'm not him, Bella!" His anger shot out with the force of a bomb propelling him across the tent. He grabbed my wrists with one of his large muscular hands, and my heart raced in fear. "I'm not going to leave just because things get difficult. I am not going to leave you to die like he did! I'm here, Bella! I've been here through all of this!" He squeezed too tightly, and I could feel the strain in my wrists.

"Please, Jacob, you're hurting me," I cried. His hands disappeared, and I rolled into a ball and sobbed.

"I still love you, Bells," he sighed and slid the tent flap open. "I'm still going to save you. I'm not leaving." He paused, and the cold wind ruffled his short hair. "Why can't I be enough for you?" He zipped the flap and closed the door without waiting for an answer. That was the last time I spoke with Jacob Black. I cried until I heard the wolves send out the alarm, and I stumbled out of the tent to find Jacob demanding that Victoria and her companion be left to him. I knew that he was trying to prove something to me: He was trying to prove that he was better than Edward.

Jasper brought me back out of my narrative when he released a breath like he hadn't been breathing the entire time I spoke. He was blurry through my tear-filled eyes. I had never told anyone that particular story, and no one who knew ever brought it up in my presence.

"And then I watched him die." I grimaced. "You want to know why I feel guilty about loving Edward? Jacob Black is why I feel guilty about loving Edward. I couldn't love him because Edward has and always will have my heart and soul. I can't deny that."

I expected a comment, but Jasper was strangely silent.

"Edward pulls me like gravity," I admitted. "I can't stay away from him, and I hate myself for it. The problem is that when I'm with him is the only time that I feel good; it's the only time that I'm truly happy. It's horribly unhealthy, and I should hate him and yell and scream at him, but I can't. I tried being mad, but I only lasted around eight hours and then he got on my bike. You and I both know what happened then." I sighed remembering the contact, the way my heart had skipped a beat and my body naturally tried to melt into his. "I couldn't even lie to myself because I knew that you knew what I was feeling and by proxy Edward had to know. Sometimes, being surrounded by supernatural beings really sucks."

"I'm sorry for my part, Bella," Jasper whispered softly. "I didn't know what happened, and I didn't even try to block my thoughts from Edward. We worked so hard to get the two of you together that day because it felt right, and you both were miserable without each other."

"Don't apologize, Jasper," I sighed and looked across the desk at him. "I do love him, and I can't deny that. He's like a basic need for me; he needs a place on Maslow's ladder where I'm concerned. Being away from him isn't an option."

"It's the same for him, you know." That sentence would have meant Jasper's doom if he hadn't been a vampire. My eyes flashed dangerously at him, and my thoughts turned angry and violent.

"I doubt that, Jasper, because I never would have left him," I spat through a clenched jaw.

"He didn't understand the depth of your feelings for him. I know that it's hard to understand, but most humans don't love as deeply as you do, Bella. Your emotions are as strong as one of our kind; it's almost frightening." He shifted while he remembered something. "Edward thought that he was doing you a favor; otherwise, he never would have left you. It killed him. I wish that I could show you how he looked, but I can't. I can tell you though that he felt the same way that you did. This thing between the two of you can't be stopped, but you don't have to be afraid of it."

I looked at him skeptically.

"If you don't believe me, I could push his emotions at you every time we're all in the same room, but I fear that you wouldn't notice a change." He grinned, and I couldn't help the fact that the corners of my mouth turned slightly upward.

There was a pause. It was as if he was choosing his next words with great care. I waited anxiously.

"You can't blame yourself for Jacob," he stated the words cleanly and carefully and let them sink in before he continued. "You can't make someone fall in love with you. It was inevitable that he would feel that attachment otherwise it never would have happened. Love isn't something that you can force on someone, and you didn't force him to love you. You didn't force him or anyone else to defend you. They all had a choice. We all have the choice to defend you or not, but what you have to understand is that you are inherently good. That's why you inspire such loyalty and why almost everyone loves you."

"Jasper, I'm nothing special – I-"

"You _are_ special. Edward may not be able to hear your thoughts, but I know how you feel which is as good as having a lie detector strapped to you, and I can tell you that you are special. Bella, you aren't perfect, but I have never felt real hatred from you toward anyone. You only think that you know what the word means." He smiled. "People sense the good in you and are drawn to it; they want to protect it. That is why the wolf pack was willing to put itself on the line for you. It had nothing to do with your father or Jacob. They knew that you were an innocent who needed protecting, and they did it. There is nothing that you need to feel guilty about in your past or present. These situations have all been unavoidable, and none of it is your fault."

I felt another tear slide down my cheek.

"Say it." He commanded. "Say, 'None of this is my fault'."

"None of this is my fault," I whispered.

"Can you pretend like you believe it? Try again." He held back a laugh.

"None of this is my fault." My voice came out a little stronger this time.

"One more time." He smiled from ear to ear as he felt my guilt lift a little.

"None of this is my fault." I almost believed it.

"You're not better by any means, and we're most certainly not finished talking, but I think that you may have just made a breakthrough." Jasper was pleased. I returned his smile. "There are some other things that you need to know before tonight though, and I want you to remember what we just talked about. None of this is your fault."

I tilted my head to the side, puzzled by his words until he began to speak again.


	16. Chapter 16 Sunset

**A/N: Sorry for the delay.... I LOVED all the reviews!!!! Thank you all so much!!!! So, the delay isn't without reason: #1 – I have a script for a mini musical that I have to finish ASAP because rehearsals start in a couple of weeks. #2 This chapter is the last little bit of calm before the storm and my mind is already on that so it's been hard to keep my focus on the here and now. #3 My dear friend let me have a copy of The Host that she'd checked out from the library and I had a very limited amount of time to read it before it had to get it back.**

**Y'all are the best readers a girl could ask for!**

**Beta'd by Lady Rip**

**Music:**

**Jason Isbell, When the Well Runs Dry**

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_I tilted my head to the side puzzled by his words until he began to speak again._

"Edward isn't going to like this, but there are a few things that you need to know. I'm going to start with what pertains directly to you this evening because I don't know how much time we have." Jasper let out a sharp breath and shifted uncomfortably. "This coven, their plans involve you-"

"I've kind of figured that part out; they think that when I'm changed that I'll be gifted, and they want to keep me." I smiled a little at his expression. Sometimes the Cullens didn't give me much credit for putting things together. I had been significantly more naïve in high school.

"They want to use you, Bella." Jasper's voice was low and serious as he leaned forward almost imperceptibly. "Their intent is to build an army of newborns, much like the one that attacked you back in Forks, and use it to claim the area from here up to New York as their own. It would be a very bad place for a person like you."

"Why do they want territory? Why would they need so much of it?" I rubbed my hand uneasily along the smooth wood of the desk, looking at the grain lines under my fingers. In order to prevent myself from panicking, I pretended like I could feel each one.

"They're looking to set up a permanent residence and drive out any other vampires. They don't want to be nomads." Jasper was holding back some of the explanation. He recognized my confusion and turned his head slightly. "Think about it, Bella. Why would they need so much territory?"

"More people." My stomach churned at the revelation. "We're like livestock, aren't we?" Bile rose in the back of my throat.

"Like a herd of cattle," he whispered in shame. The change in his voice drew my attention. "It's common among vampires in the south. I'm quite relieved that you stuck to your studies in Florida and didn't explore your freedom as a college student too much because it could have been deadly for you. Southern vampires make no effort to blend in with human society, even to feed. Instead, they spend their days plotting and go out at night. They wage wars over the control of major population centers. Cities like Atlanta and Houston can support a coven and an army easily without notice. Humans write off the deaths as having something to do with the homicide rate being higher in a hot climate, but in truth, the additional murders are caused by vampires. Young college students out for a night on the town make very easy prey.

"The areas with the highest populations are the most hotly contested. All out wars are waged while your kind sleeps. Newborn armies are created, trained, used to gain territory from other vampires, and then disposed of when their strength wanes." Jasper looked as if he dreaded explaining this to me. It was something that he had buried and left behind. I was suddenly compelled to ask the question that he didn't want to answer, the one that I shouldn't ask.

"Were you a general over newborns?" My eyebrows scrunched together. I could certainly imagine Jasper being in the military. There was a hard and dangerous edge to him, but he also seemed too compassionate, too wise for such a thing.

"I have a history that doesn't make me proud." He hesitated for a moment. "Has Edward told you anything about my past?"

"I know that Carlisle didn't create you or Alice and that the two of you found the Cullens because of one of Alice's visions. But that's the extent of my knowledge." I hesitated. "Well, except for the fact that you told me that you used to train newborns."

"General was more of a nickname than a title." His voice roughened over the word, and I knew that deep down he hated it. "My creator used to call me that as a term of endearment." He paused to assess my reaction. I had no intention of judging Jasper. "Her name was Maria, and she - along with two others - found me. They changed me to be part of their army. She and her companions wanted to gain some territory. After the change was complete, it became apparent that my natural charisma in life translated over into some sort of ability. My ability grew, and Maria put me in charge of the other newborns.

"She used me to create a better army. I could reign in their emotions and keep them from killing each other. As you've seen, newborns can be very... volatile. Vampire emotions are very difficult to control and to handle at first, and many have great difficulty with the simplest of commands. They want one thing, blood. We would train them and reward them with extra feedings when they did well. This made them more pliable."

Jasper refused to look at me. The thought of using humans as kind of treat disgusted me, but I couldn't hold that against him. He had to know that. I opened my mouth to tell him so but quickly closed it when he began again.

"The armies that I'm talking about operate much differently than what came after you." He stopped and stared at me for a long second. "Aside from Monday night, have you and Edward talked at all about your time apart?"

My heart had to restart before I could answer, and Jasper pushed a wave of calm over me. What did newborn vampires and my separation from Edward have in common? "No," I breathed.

"I had hoped that he would have brought this up, but I understand why he didn't." Jasper sounded mildly annoyed as he leaned back into his chair. "He had a hunch that Victoria might be after you. So, Edward decided to track her in order to do something for you after leaving." I started to interject and ask about his reasoning, but Jasper held up his hand to stop me.

"You're going to have to ask him about any personal details involved. I'm not going to communicate for him or you. If you argue, I'll be happy to mediate but other than that the two of you are on your own," he sighed.

"Edward tracked Victoria to Houston where we're assuming that she laid a false trail for him. He ended up in Brazil while she was in Forks tormenting you. I'm making a guess that she met my maker, Maria, in Texas and got the idea to come after you with newborns from her. The only thing is, from your description and reading the reports out of Seattle at the time, it seems like Victoria didn't take any time in creating her army. The newborns that came for you were untrained and very new.

"Ari and Adrianna won't be creating that kind of army. I trained them, and Maria didn't dispose of them after I left. So they're most likely intending to train their army well and thoroughly. After that they plan to use the army to purge the area of any other vampires."

"How many newborns will they create?" I interrupted, but Jasper didn't seem to mind.

"We usually had between ten and twenty to use at any given time," he explained. Jasper looked slightly puzzled at the question.

"So we're saying about twenty-four vampires occupying this section of the Northeast?" My face scrunched together as I thought about it.

"For a short time, yes." He shook his head as he realized what he was about to tell me. "They will dispose of the newborns when they're no longer needed, or when their strength wanes."

"Dispose of..." My mouth dropped open when I figured out what he was telling me. The newborn vampires would be ripped apart and burned when they were no longer useful to the coven. It was barbaric even for a race that lived by drinking human blood.

Jasper watched my reaction warily. He knew that he had just revealed something shocking, and he waited for me to figure out how it applied to him. It dawned on me that Jasper really had been ruthless in his past; he had done some truly monstrous things. I stared at him trying to take it in. _Jasper_, Alice's Jasper, had trained countless armies of vampires only to rip them to pieces when they were no longer useful. It was a shock.

"Yes, Bella, it worked the same way back then." His eyes refused to meet mine. "I'm not proud of it; as a matter of fact, it's very painful. Pretending to work with these monsters again makes me sick. But they have to be stopped, and we have to get you away from them. Any sacrifices that we make aren't just for you anymore. There are bigger stakes on the line than the one person that can make the Cullen family complete again. So today isn't your fault.

"You have a very important role to play. I need you to pretend like you trust this coven. You need to act like I've convinced you to come back to them, and you need to be convincing. Otherwise, we won't have the opportunity to stop them. They'll kill me, and then they'll kill you." He looked back up at me. "If I help you, do you think that you can do it?"

The air in my lungs seemed inadequate. I was a terrible liar. Would I be able to deceive four vampires successfully? I felt fairly certain that Mark was the only one who had spent any time around humans recently. The rest seemed too vampiric, too still. They wouldn't remember much about human nature. That left Mark. Could I fool him? Did I have a choice? That answer was, 'no'. I didn't have a choice. This was something that I would have to make work. Jasper eased my anxiety, and I gave him a slight nod.

"Okay, the key is going to be remaining calm. I know that it's going to be hard for you, but we've run out of other options. I have to get you outside to Carlisle so that he can run with you, and the rest of us can take care of the coven, and this is the only way I can think of that they'll willingly let you go." He sighed. I could tell that Jasper didn't think that this would work. He wasn't helping my self-confidence by doubting me.

"I can do this," I said more to myself than to him.

"Good because our time is running out." He looked over his shoulder. "I'm going to make you angry now, and I need you to pretend like you're angry with Edward, angry enough to want to hurt him."

Rage blasted like fire from the pit of my stomach and out through my arms and legs. I shook from the effort that I put into controlling it. My hands balled themselves into fists with my fingernails biting the skin. My right arm screamed in pain from the tight fist, and I could feel the gash pulling against the bandage. The fingers on that hand were tinged a slightly darker blue than they had been; I hadn't looked at them for hours, but my observation only seemed to fuel the anger. I needed to break something. I fought for control, and my eyes pricked with tears. The fact that the anger made me feel like crying was horribly unfair.

No longer able to bear the amount of anger and completely irrational, I turned on Jasper. He smirked. My eyes bore into him, and he cocked his head slightly to the left. I jumped at him and the anger immediately abated. I still felt some of it, but I no longer had a burning need to rip something to shreds. Jasper quickly sidestepped my leap and caught my body before I fell.

"Sorry, I sent a little too much anger your way." He looked chagrined. "Sometimes I forget that although your emotions are stronger than most humans that you're not the same as a vampire. Remember, you're mad at Edward not me, or any of the members of this coven. If you attack them, they will kill you." He sighed and put me on my feet.

The anger boiled up again but settled back down to a simmer. Jasper rested his hands on my shoulders and stared at my face for a long moment. He drew in a deep breath.

"They're coming. Remember, you are mad at Edward – not them." He released my shoulders and turned to the door. It was a few seconds before Ari and Adrianna glided into the room. Ari gave Jasper a half smile, and he nodded in response.

"Is she ready?" Adrianna smirked and turned her eyes on me.

"She understands that Edward hasn't changed his mind." The anger peaked and a low noise rumbled in the back of my throat. Ari grinned and patted Jasper on the shoulder before coming to me.

"I'm so sorry, little one. Males can be so pig-headed, can't they?" She cooed sickeningly. "Do you want to get even with him?" She cocked her head and brushed my cheek with her cold hand. I tried not to flinch away from her fingers as she ran them from cheekbone to chin in what I assumed was to be a comforting manner.

I nodded.

"Well, we don't want to fight the Cullens. They're very strong, and Carlisle has ties to the Volturi." She looked into my eyes. "But you, little one, can help us. They will trade territory for you." Jasper gave me a sudden jolt of shock, and my eyes went wide. He nodded inconspicuously, and I realized that I needed to say something.

"But – but – how does that help me?" I tried for exasperation but panic seemed to come through as my primary emotion. I hoped that I hadn't messed things up.

"Oh, little one, don't worry. They won't watch you very closely, and you can come back to us in a few days after they move." She patted my head. "Do you like my plan?"

Jasper nodded again.

"Oh, yes. I think – that – that will work?" My voice rose on the end making my agreement a question. I suppressed a groan as she turned away from me.

"It's almost dark. We're going to meet them with the girl to discuss terms at the top of the hill at nightfall." She swung her braid over her shoulder and gave Jasper a wink. "Well done General," she added at a speed that I wasn't meant to understand.

"Come along," Adrianna murmured and led the way out of the office into the warehouse beyond. It was still pitch black, and they didn't bother to turn on any lights for my comfort. I stumbled along blindly until Jasper reached back and grabbed my arm. He held my left hand and placed his other hand on my shoulder to lead me through the black room. He had stopped pumping anger into my system and only emanated calm as he patiently guided me from the light of the office to a dim rectangle of warm light from an outside door.

The rectangle felt and smelled like freedom. It grew as we approached, and I longed to feel the muggy evening air on my face. Getting outside would not free me, but it brought me one more step closer to not having to lie. My right hand felt completely numb, and the bandage barely bothered my skin. I didn't care; in a few minutes I would see Edward. There would still be danger, but he would be there.

When we made it to the door, the warm glow had begun to take on a slightly purple hue. Warmth and damp washed over me as I walked through the door. The sudden change in temperature caused my body to seize up in shock for a fraction of a second before resuming movement. The warehouse stood in a row of many such large buildings directly next to a very large, incredibly steep hill. Jasper released my hand but kept his other hand on my shoulder and guided me up the steep grassy slope. I slid slightly on the damp grass, and he corrected my balance on more than one occasion while we climbed. My tired body protested the movement, but I pushed ahead. Edward and salvation were at the top of this very steep hill, and I would make it to him if it was the last thing that I did.

We climbed one foot in front of the other. Four vampires became frustrated by my slow and steady speed but continued to plod along at my pace. Jasper didn't have to use his hand to encourage me to walk. I just did it. Safety was waiting for me, and I could make it. I could do it for Edward.

The grassy surface under my feet slowly leveled out, and I ventured a glance up from the ground since it seemed somehow safer when not walking up an incline. He was there. I raised my eyes to Edward's; his expression was near heartbroken as he took in my exhausted face and the mostly blue hand hanging limply at my side. I resisted the urge to run to him because I still had a part to play. It took all of my willpower not to do it. The last glimmers of a soft sunset glinted off of his skin. He looked warm, and even though I knew that he wasn't, I wanted to touch him to find out if it was true. His hair sat in its usual disarray from running his fingers through it and pulling it. He had probably spent the entire day doing exactly that. I desperately wanted to wrap my arms around him and to feel his cool arms around me. I wanted to calm him, to comfort him, but I held still. There would be no opportunity to ease the dull ache in my chest before Carlisle took off with me.

"Alright, you've seen her, let's talk about terms." Adrianna's voice broke the silence. I turned slightly from Edward to see her face contorted in a sneer.

"No, the agreement was that I got to examine her before any deals were made," Carlisle corrected. I felt myself relax. Everything would be better soon.


	17. Chapter 17 Nobody's Fault

**A/N: Sorry for the delay. I was busy deciding how evil to be. The answer was very evil. Read on. Thank you for the reviews!**

**Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight, I don't.**

**No music this time around – sorry!**

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I ran three quick steps and launched myself at Carlisle. He scooped me out of the air into his waiting arms and pulled me into his chest in a ball like a small child. I knew that my relief was ill founded and would be short lived but I clung to it fiercely because I was in the arms of my second father. I knew that he would protect me. However, the second that I reached the safe haven that was Carlisle Cullen's grasp I heard the tell tale screeching of metal on metal that I instantly recognized at vampire skin being penetrated. As Carlisle spun around to run I looked over his shoulder. Mark had begun to advance on Carlisle and me when I made my jump but Jasper caught him and sunk his teeth into his back.

The situation erupted into a full scale battle in less than a second. Jasper and Mark stalked each other back and forth behind us, while Rosalie and Emmett took Adrianna slightly to one side and then I noticed that Edward and Alice blocked our escape. Carlisle had not had sufficient time to run before the fighting began and we were stuck in the middle of the battle.

My family stalked and circled around the other coven. They moved in a hazardous dance; occasionally, dangerous and elegant shapes whirled too quickly for me to make them out. Each time they slowed to a speed that my eye could understand I assessed the way my family carried themselves. Were they alright? If any of them were injured, they didn't let on.

Several times within the first few seconds the fight came too close to Carlisle and myself. He curled protectively in on me and spun or dodged out of the way, always careful to avoid contact with anyone else. Just after dodging Rosalie we turned and my eyes met Edward's for a split second his jaw was set and he was determined to do something. Then, fear rose up from the pit of my stomach as I looked over his shoulder. Alice had seen it too; she was unable to physically stop Colin as she grappled with Ari. Instead, she screamed.

"Edward!" Ari flew ten feet and Alice turned her head to see if he had heard her warning. Edward pivoted at the last moment as Colin's fingers grazed closely to his side.

"Edward!" Jasper yelled. I would have looked at him to see why he sounded so ticked off but my eyes were fixed on Edward.

There was a swift flash of white as he moved. My heart seemed to stop beating before thundering out of control. His undershirt glowed slightly in the almost blue light that bathed the hill. I missed the movement that put him behind Colin. The sound of screeching as teeth met vampire flesh bounced off of the trees. I had grown so accustomed to the sound within seconds that it no longer startled me. It was frequent and every time I heard it I felt the need to check each of my family members.

Colin broke from Edward and slipped back into his back to back stance with Ari. The two moved as one. Edward's focus was not on the fight. His ability to read minds gave him just enough of an edge that he didn't find himself flat on the grass because he was looking around like a wild animal. I couldn't tear my eyes from him. His battle shifted as he and Alice turned simultaneously in a blurred motion. They were between Colin and Ari.

Then, I sensed something coming toward us from one side. Carlisle's grip tightened and he swiftly spun. A small yelp escaped from my throat in shock. I had not been paying attention to anything other than Edward and was caught off guard by the sudden movement. Mark had broken the lock that Jasper put him into and flung him directly at Carlisle. He missed but we were still trapped.

"Emmett! Help Carlisle!" Edward managed to yell. There was a shift in front of Carlilse and he ran for the gap that Emmett created. He sprinted for the trees and I stared over his shoulder at Edward, getting a last glimpse of his bronze hair as we faded away into the trees. I buried my head into his shoulder and felt my body shake from anxiety and frustration. Carlisle kept running; the trees swished past us at a sickening speed. I didn't look up because everything that I wanted was behind us.

"Edward will be fine Bella." Carlisle's voice didn't show any sign of exertion as he reassured me. He ran for a long time before stopping in a small clearing and setting me down on the ground. I looked up at him. Carlisle's face briefly twisted into a grimace before he smoothed it and sat down gracefully across from me. He folded his hands and looked studiously at me.

"What's wrong Carlisle?" I felt dread creep up from the pit of my stomach into my throat and I looked away from his golden eyes. I knew that what he was about to tell me couldn't be good.

"Can you take off your jacket?" He asked softly and I nodded before carefully pulling it off of my good arm first followed by the other and laying it on the ground. There was a perceptible shift in his manner from concerned father to Dr. Carlisle Cullen. He deftly lifted my right hand into his and I was shocked to notice very little difference in temperature. My head shot up immediately. Carlisle pulled a paper clip out of his pocket and unfolded it using us right hand and his front teeth before taking a deep breath. He ran the slightly sharp metal tip along my palm and my hand jerked involuntarily. He let out a deep breath.

"I'm checking for nerve damage." He smoothed my hand out flat and prodded the tip of my thumb. "Can you feel this?" I nodded and he moved to the pointer finger, my finger jerked and I nodded again.

But my middle finger felt slightly numb as did my ring finger and pinkie finger. "It feels kind of numb." I cocked my head to the side and he seemed to sense my unasked question.

"This isn't conclusive. We won't know anything until we get this bandage off and restore blood flow to the hand. I just wanted to check." He gently pressed around on my hand and wrist a few times. "The pulse in your hand is weak which may have something to do with the numbness. This bandage has been wrapped too tightly but I need to get to my bag before we remove it."

"Then let's go. You know Edward, he'll probably wrap me in bubble wrap and lock me in your house if there's any permanent damage." I sighed and suppressed the fear that bubbled back up at the thought of what Edward was doing.

"I need to tell you one thing before I take you." Carlisle looked away from me for a second and when he turned back his features were composed. "During your capture, there were some injuries..."

I thought back and tried to make sense of what he was saying. I backtracked in my mind. I remembered voices just before I passed out. Edward was talking to Jasper and Emmett. The three of them all seemed to be perfectly fine at the top of the hill but I had not seen Rachel, Quil, or Brady. My heart hammered up out of my chest and threatened to jump out. The wolves, Leah was right; I was too dangerous to be around and shouldn't have had protection extended to me.

"When you say injuries...?" I whispered.

"Quil and Rachel have both sustained multiple broken bones but they've been set and -"

"What about Brady?" I snapped slightly as I cut him off.

"Bella, you have to understand that this isn't your fault." He leaned in and kissed my forehead while he placed his free hand on my shoulder and patted gently. "Brady knew the dangers of what he was doing..." Tears leaked from my eyes. "Bella, he was bitten." I looked at Carlisle in shock. Why would a vampire bite a werewolf? It was the general consensus among the Cullen siblings that the werewolves smelled terrible.

"So, he's changing?" I asked tentatively. The prospect of a vampire-werewolf hybrid seemed interesting.

"No, Bella." Carlisle smoothed my hair like I was a small child. "Venom kills werewolves." His eyes were far away and sad. I sat staring at him, completely dumbfounded. My mind refused to process the information. Brady was only eighteen. I shook my head and stared defiantly at Carlisle.

"No." I pulled my hand back.

"Bella-"

"No!" The only sound I could hear was my own heartbeat drumming in my ears as I scrambled to my feet. Carlisle rose and stood back. "That is one really inconvenient weakness to have!" I shouted at a tree. "Communication through the pack mind to help coordinate in battle, their large size, the incredibly sharp teeth, not to mention the fact that certain vampire abilities don't work on them and venom kills them!" I stomped my foot down hard and kicked a rock across the clearing. "You'd think that that would be pretty adaptively significant wouldn't you?! They're meant to fight vampires for goodness sakes! I mean come on! Some resistance to venom would be nice, don't you think?" I fumed and kicked at the dirt around my feet.

"I understand that you're upset -"

"Really, I'm upset? Let's try for some stronger words than that shall we? I'm pissed." I spat.

"-and it's okay for you to feel that way-" he continued to speak calmly while I ranted like a teenager.

"Oh, and you saying it's okay is really going to make me feel better! How many people Carlisle? How many?"

"-what?" he cocked his head to the side.

"How many have to die before this is actually my fault? Because this really is feeling like it's my fault!" I crossed my arms but jumped in pain as soon as my left closed over my right. "Ouch! Mother Bleeding Stinking.... gosh I deserve that!"

"It's not your fault." He spoke firmly.

"Pardon me if I'm not buying that."

"You didn't choose any of this."

"Oh, I beg to differ." I shook my head. "I chose Edward and along with choosing him came some pretty hefty consequences. I should have know better than to trust being happy all those years ago because I am obviously not worthy of this."

"Bella-"

"No Carlisle, listen to me, there is apparently only so much happiness that a mortal can be afforded and I definitely had my fair share four and a half years ago with Edward and now I have to pay the piper. It all has to balance out in the end." I ran my left hand through my hair and paced.

"No, you deserve happiness..."

"I can't for the life of me figure out why I need to drag others down with me though. Why isn't fate just coming for me? Why does everyone else keep stepping in the way?" I kicked the ground again. "Maybe it's just the van all over again? Maybe I was really supposed to die that day because every time I turn around it's like something is bearing down on me and the people I love-"

"Isabella Marie Swan!" Carlisle used the 'dad voice'. I stopped mid rant. This was really unexpected from Carlisle as I had never heard him raise his voice. "Stop this, now." He gave me a stern look and a placed my foot gently back down to the ground from it's position hovering above the forest floor, I had been in the process of kicking another rock. "This is not your fault." He crossed the clearing and stood directly in front of me. "Sometimes things happen in life that are out of our control and it's not because fate is coming after you and it doesn't make you a bad person." My shoulders began shaking and he wrapped me into a hug.

"He's gone." I sobbed into Carlisle's chest.

"I'm so sorry Bella, I did everything I could but there was no way to stop it." He rubbed my back and I breathed in his thick, sweet, seawater scent. "It's no more your fault than it is mine."

"I'm sorry." I sobbed. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"Shhhh." He pulled me tightly into his chest. "It's alright but I do need to take you to the same clearing that he's in because my bag is there and you need a more thorough exam."

"Quil and Rachel?" I croaked.

"They're going to be fine. Edward helped me set their bones and they should be well on their way toward healing as we speak." He reassured me.

"I need to see them." I stepped back slightly and Carlisle released me and walked over to my jacket before handing it to me; I draped it over my arm. He held out his arms and I climbed up into them. He cradled me like a small child and kissed my forehead before I buried my head back into his chest and he ran.

This trip was much shorter than the last; Carlisle set me down between Quil and Rachel. I looked up to find that Quil was conscious and sitting up. His eyes were black with sorrow and my heart ached; I fought the desire to pull it out of my chest. I turned to look at Rachel and found her laying peacefully beside me. Her breath moved in and out steadily. I sighed and tears slipped back down my cheeks.

My fingers curled into the grass and ripped it from the ground. I found the tearing sound satisfying and ripped a few more clumps. I wiggled my fingers to dislodge the bruised pieces of grass and watched them twirl to the ground.

Carlisle worked on Quil beside me for a moment and after a few moments Quil slid next to me and wrapped his very hot arms around my shoulders. I sobbed again and so did he. Quil's large frame shook my own. We sat there for several minutes without sound or movement until Carlisle approached again to continue his exam.

Esme stood a few feet behind him, her shoulders hunched and a hand over her mouth. If she had been able to cry then she would have. Her body rocked slightly back and forth as she looked at me. I waved her over and she pulled me into a hug before Carlisle could take my arm. Esme smoothed my hair and kissed my cheek with her cold lips. The contrast between her arms and Quil's on my skin was shocking. They both released me and Esme sat back on her heels while Carlilse took my arm.

Carlisle carefully unwrapped the ace bandage. As he peeled back the layers my hand started to burn. I winced and turned away only to turn back again when I felt a slight tugging. My stomach heaved when I looked at the bandage. I had bled through the gauze underneath and up through several layers of elastic; the blood stuck the layers of the bandage together. Esme backed up away from the smell of blood. Carlisle came to the last couple of layers and stopped.

"You might want to turn your head." He sighed and I pulled my face into Quil's shoulder. A large hot hand wrapped around the back of my head. The burning intensified as the blood rushed back into my hand. I winced again and Quil's hand tightened. Carlilse's fingers grazed the skin around the gauze packed onto my arm and I felt the gauze tug at my skin. He stopped before shuffling around in his bag.

"Bella, you're going to feel a little pinch but I need you to hold still." I felt the needle pierce my skin but I remained motionless. The medicine burned its way into my arm and I felt Carlisle shift away. "Your arm should be numb soon. I've given you an anesthetic so that I can take a better look at the damage. I may have to take you to the hospital."

Quil loosened his grasp and I looked up at his face. He smiled weakly at me and tried to be reassuring. His face was still pained and he tried not to look at my arm.

"Are you okay?" He whispered.

"No." I chocked on the word.

"It's not -"

"It's not my fault." I groaned. The fact that I didn't believe these words did not escape my friend.

"Loss is part of life Bells. Face it, you're just not that important." He gave a weak laugh and I couldn't help but to smile slightly. "We all die, and with what we wolves do it was an inevitability that at least some of us were going to die young." He sighed.

"Can you feel this?" Carlisle asked over my shoulder.

"Just a little pressure." I responded.

"Alright, I'm going to remove the gauze an take a look." Carlilse tugged at my arm again and all I could feel was a slight pull as he peeled back the layer of padding. Then, I smelled it. My arm was bleeding. I felt my head spin and the world tip ever so slightly.

"Stay with me Bells." Quil urged and I dry heaved again. "Slow, deep breaths." He hummed and I complied.

"Why do I smell like-?" I heard Rachel as she came to on the other side of me. I tried to turn my head and Quil held it still.

"Don't look at your arm." He urged. "Nice of you to join us Rachel." He called over my shoulder.

"Oh good, you have her!" Her voice was filled with relief. She paused and I assumed that she was looking around the clearing. I heard a sharp intake of breath and knew that she saw Brady's body lying not too far away from her. "So, I didn't dream it." She muttered.

"As it turns out the old stories about being bitten are true." He confirmed.

"Bella, are you alright?" She half whispered.

"I'm fine." I could hear her eyes rolling.

"It looks like you just need this cleaned up and a few stitches. We won't know if there's any permanent damage until later but I don't see anything." Carlilse announced.

I felt a sickening cold sensation on my arm and turned to look at it before Quil could stop me. I snapped my head back swiftly but not before seeing Carlisle pour something over the large gash on my arm. He pressed a fresh piece of gauze down and everyone froze. Esme turned and growled at the trees. Quil released me and tried to stand but Carlilse shoved him firmly back to the ground.

"Bella, hold this down." His voice was calm and controlled but when I turned to him his eyes flashed dangerously at the trees. He stood and jumped into a crouch next to Esme and handed her a pair of latex gloves. She glanced at Carlisle before pulling them onto her hands.

"What is going on?" I looked to Quil and then Rachel.

"Bloodsucker." Rachel growled.

"Can you move?" Quil looked at Rachel's leg which sat in a makeshift splint much like his. She pulled the splint off of her arm and tested it.

"Arms seem okay but I'm not sure about the leg yet, it feels off." She touched the splint there. I stared at her, my eyes were wide with shock. "What about you?"

"Some of the bones were shattered, it hasn't healed well enough to stand on." He shook his head.

"Bella?" Rachel's head tilted slightly and I let out a shocked laugh.

"It never occurred to me..." I shook my head.

"Oh, I'm a wolf Bella." Rachel shot me an apologetic look. "It happened right after you left."

I stared at her until I heard a snarl rip from Esme's throat. The tree line drew my attention but I couldn't make anything out in the shadows. Quil and Rachel both let out a low rumbling growl. I could see the shadows shift and a small movement in the trees but nothing else. Carlisle and Esme advanced; they moved close to the ground as they stalked toward the trees. Then, I saw her.

A small figure shrouded in long dark hair was finally visible. I tensed when I realized that it was Adrianna. Of all the vampires to waltz out of the woods it had to be that one. I stood up and took a few steps forward.

"Don't let her touch you." Carlisle looked to Esme and she nodded. The two stood between Adrianna and me and waited for her to come closer. The rest happened in a blur. Esme and Carlisle advanced on Adrianna who immediately faked a lunge at Esme but spun for Carlisle at the last second. I couldn't see what she did but Carlisle fell to the ground like a puppet whose strings had been cut. Esme hissed and knocked her away from Carlisle.

Then, I did something rather unintelligent; against all thought or reason I ran up to Carlisle, dangerously close to Esme and Adrianna. I let go of my bandaged arm and tried to move him out of the way. Quil and Rachel were screaming at me to back up but I couldn't leave him. When I found myself unsuccessful I stood to look at Rachel for help but as I came to my feet I felt a blow from behind. I flew into the air and landed with a loud huff several feet away. There was a deafening crack on impact followed by a ripping noise from behind me and moments later a high pitched shriek.

Esme's face blocked out the night sky. Her skin was tinged a soft shade of blue in the moonlight and her hair hung messily around her face. Her lips were moving but I couldn't make sense of the words. I heard scraping metal, screaming and her voice but it didn't make sense. I couldn't understand the confusing garble that came to my ears.

"I'm cold Esme." I breathed out and was rewarded with more garbling words. My next breath didn't come easily. I pulled and gasped at the air around me until I felt some trickle into my lungs and I knew that I was dying. There was something that I had to ask Esme to do but I didn't know if I had enough air to do it.

"Don't let me die. Change me." The words hurt and the effort of speaking sent more pain through my chest. The ripping noise in the background died and Esme's voice was clearer when she spoke.

"No." Esme argued with me. "Bella, I can't-"

"Edward." I gave her a hard look and she shook her head. Her hand caressed my cheek and she sobbed tearlessly over me. "Do it." I closed my eyes and gave in to the darkness.


	18. Chapter 18 Graves

**A/N**

**This chapter is short. I'm sorry but you're going to have to live with that. Sorry for the cliffy last time but the only way to make it not a cliff hanger that came to mind is a plot device that I've used before so I decided not to use it.**

**Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer, not me.**

**Beta'd by LadyRip**

**Music:**

**The Jenifer Nettles Band: Remain**

**(in lieu of that find something quiet and angsty)**

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The deep black recesses of my mind which I had descended into were interrupted by flames. I was running through a forest fire and my shirt – no Edwards shirt - caught on fire. It started at the collar and bloomed outward to the rest of my body. I didn't panic; I didn't scream. Instead, I dropped to the ground and rolled just like we were instructed to in grade school. The pain of my flesh searing into the flaming shirt didn't cease. I felt something cool on my face and then on my back, but the flames never let up. I cried for help.

"Her heart's still beating." Edward's voice was close and yet very far away.

"Edward, the fire, I'm burning." I begged him for help, but he didn't smother the flames. He held me tighter. "I'm on fire, put it out." I whined. Did he lack all common sense? Couldn't he see the flames? They hurt. I tried to pull myself back out of the darkness of my mind to get back to him and show him the fire so that he could help me.

"I can't, love. I can't put it out." The flames became hotter and more intense as I clawed my way to the surface of my mind. "It's not real fire; it's venom." I reached the surface, and the excruciating pain ended my ability to speak without screaming. I nodded before plunging myself back under.

I could hear Edward murmuring on the edge of my consciousness, but I knew that with the soothing sound of his voice also lay awareness and excruciating pain. So, I lay just under the surface. My memory was slippery and recall was difficult. Edward told me that the pain was from venom and not flame. I took some small solace in the fact that I was not in actuality burning to death. Venom meant that the flames would continue for days but then I would no longer require bubble wrap and kid-gloves. Edward and I would finally be equals.

However, my transformation would result in other less desirable changes as well. I would no longer be able to see my family, and I doubted that I would ever be welcomed back onto 'the Rez'. A pang of sadness echoed through my bones. I had never visited Jacob and Seth's graves. I really was a terrible friend to be so caught up in my own pain that I never came back and visited them after I moved.

Graves.

There would be a grave for Brady soon. I forced myself to seriously assess whether or not he would have been better off if I had never come to Forks. A lack of my presence would not have prevented the Cullens from moving to the sleepy little town. So, he still would have become a werewolf. As a matter of fact, without me, the Cullens would have stayed longer. Perhaps my ill-fated break-up with Edward had done some good. That was a small conciliation after four years of pain and three years of guilt. Maybe my four years of sacrifice saved more Quiluetes than the danger that I brought hurt.

I felt the pain pulling me back to the surface again. I braced myself for it. I needed to prevent the screams of pain that would rip from my core. My pain would tear Edward to shreds. It was likely that he was already blaming himself in some way for every minute of pain that I would have to endure. So, as I came to the surface I promised myself that I would keep silent.

That was a hard promise to keep. My eyes snapped open, and my vocal chords started to shriek before I could cut off the sound in a strangled gasp. Screaming would do nothing to ease the pain. My body writhed when I became aware of it, and my hands clawed at my skin, trying to flay it off and let the flames escape.

Cold hands pried my fingernails from my chest. I couldn't think clearly, but I knew that more time had passed than I could recall. Edward struggled to hold my squirming form in his arms. His eyes were wild but concerned and somehow sad. Both of my hands were in one of his, and I noticed that his lips were moving. I concentrated to hear his words rather than just the hum of his voice.

"Bella, can you hear me?"

I nodded, but I could feel my face scrunch up in an effort not to cry.

"It's okay; we've brought you home. You're changing." He continued to struggle with me in his arms. "Shhhhh. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

I shook my head and continued to refuse to speak. I locked my teeth together as tightly as I could

Edward looked over his shoulder and shook his head.

"Well, she wasn't angry until you started apologizing." Jasper's voice came from a space close to my head.

"Can you help her go back to sleep? She seems more comfortable sleeping," Edward pleaded with Jaspe,r and my eyelids felt heavy.

"You know this won't continue to work and she's going to have to feel it ... further along... not... favors..." Jasper's drawl was slightly more pronounced than usual as his voice faded in and out of my head.

I lost time to blackness again. This time, I retained no ability to function. I don't know how much time I lost to the blackness, but I am thankful for it. Jasper sunk me into a deep sleep, and I didn't feel anything for quite some time. However, when I came back to consciousness, it was worse. My entire body felt red and blistered. I could feel each individual skin cell as it caught on fire and burned like I had been doused in gasoline.

I screamed again and opened my eyes. A white plaster ceiling loomed overhead, but it seemed odd. There were subtle color variations to the white. I closed my mouth and concentrated on each of the slight changes in color to distract myself from the searing burn. Each nerve ending throughout my body screamed in protest. However, my hearing was back, and it was better. I heard footfalls on a set of stairs outside the door and registered that they were much too fast for a human. The door swung open and Esme came into view. Her hair brushed my skin, and I flinched because it felt abrasive. She quickly gathered her hair back up over her shoulder and tied it into a knot. I could hear each strand moving in a strange symphony.

"Bella, I'm sorry I wasn't here." She placed a hand on my forehead and grimaced. "It's almost over."

I felt my back arch up off of whatever surface was under me. Esme gently pushed me back down.

"I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do. Edward will be back soon. He and Carlisle are taking care of some business outside." She smoothed my hair.

I could hear Edward and Carlisle's voices, but they were too far away for me to make out their conversation. I tried to estimate exactly how far off they would have to be in order to be so muffled. I could hear the highway a few miles away clearly, and the TV downstairs had been left on Sports Center. The woods around the house were eerily silent. I wondered why I could hear the highway but no wildlife near the house. Searching for the sound of a heartbeat became my new distraction from the pain. One would think that there would be the thrumming of a tiny heartbeat somewhere in the vicinity of the Cullen residence but I could sense none.

I spent what felt like hours searching for signs of life before giving up and finding the sound of a clock that I could use to count the seconds as they passed. Time either slowed down or my heart sped up. I couldn't clearly discern which had occurred, but my heartbeat didn't line up with the ticking of the clock the way that I thought it should.

Around three thousand clicks into my count, Carlisle and Edward stopped talking. I listened intently for their footfalls to get nearer to the house. My reward came in the form of a gentle thrumming that belonged to Edward's feet. It grew louder and more pronounced as he approached until the outside door flew open, and I could hear him on the stairs.

Esme met him in the hallway. Their clothing scraped and rumpled together when she gave him a hug. I could tell that she was relaying information to him about my condition, but she did it mentally. Eventually, they parted and I could feel Edward come to sit by my side. He kissed my forehead and rubbed my hands.

"Can you talk?" He smoothed my hair off of my face.

I shook my head. It seemed easier to not talk if he thought that I couldn't rather than I wouldn't.

"This shouldn't last much longer. You only have a few hours left to go by Alice's reckoning." He smiled gently and continued to pet my hair. "She wanted to put you in a cocktail dress, but Esme and I saved you. It's still a dress." He paused and considered my pained expression for a moment. "Do you want me to talk?"

I nodded.

"Quil and Rachel have healed and are up and moving again. They're going to be back in a day or two to check on you. Dad booked them a flight back to Port Angeles with Brady yesterday." He tilted his head slightly and then crawled up next to me. "Sam is in town to discuss the treaty. No one blames you for Brady's death. Sam wanted me to make sure that you knew that. He wants to talk to you after the change, as soon as you're able. He brought another friend of yours with him, Embry Call."

He wrapped his cool body around me, but the difference in temperature did nothing for the heat.

"I wish that I could take the pain away," he murmured into my ear. "I know that it hurts but it will be over soon, I promise. Maybe when it's over we can go somewhere remote and quiet. Siberia is nice. The air is really clean and crisp. The birch trees are beautiful, and there's plenty of hunting. You won't mind the cold anymore." He smiled wistfully.

Siberia had never been on my short list of places to visit, but I had to admit a desire to go to Russia. In those first couple of semesters living on my own in Gainesville, Florida, I had developed an interest in Russian literature. It was dark and unhappy and rarely ended on a positive note. It suited my mood at the time. The thought of seeing Russia interested me; it was remote and dark and exotic.

"Another option is South America; the rain forest is nice. Although, I think that Emmett will insist on coming along to hunt an anaconda. He's always wanted to try it... If you want to stay closer to home, there are plenty of places in Alaska and Canada where we can spend a few years peacefully.

"Personally, I'm partial to Siberia. We've never spent much time there; you and I could discover it together." A wry smile came to his lips, and if I could, I would have smiled back. "There are some rather gorgeous waterfalls on the Putorana Plateau. We could go cliff diving." I was thoroughly shocked that he was suddenly able to joke. I nodded at him, and he began to inform me of all of the interesting things that we could do there. He also ran through a list of the local wildlife and places that we could see after I could control myself.

Time passed much faster with Edward talking than it had in silence. We had something tangible to be excited about, and he had something to plan. His eyes sparkled with the excitement of just the two of us being able to go somewhere and explore together.

Without warning the fire receded from my hands and feet but seemed to intensify even further everywhere else. I felt a shrill noise build in my chest and force its way through my vocal chords. I closed my eyes to try blocking out any additional stimuli so that I could deal with the pain. Edward disentangled himself from me as my body went rigid again. He ran to the door and called to someone, but I had blocked out sound as well. I concentrated very hard on one thing: riding out the pain. There was no way to fight it, but if I focused on how my hands and feet felt then it was almost bearable.

My heart sped up. At first I didn't notice the change. It was so gradual, like the speed had been increasing by increments for days. The change in heart rate became more intense and uncomfortable. My heart was beating so fast that discerning the individual beats became impossible, until everything stopped. The fire, the beating, and the pain were all gone. I felt nothing.


	19. Chapter 19 Control

**A/N I'm really sorry that it's been over a week without a chapter. Have you ever hit that point when you know that something is going to end, and you don't want it to end, so you put off the inevitable? I'm there. In my first draft of this chapter I inadvertently wrote the ending to the story and fell in love with it. I'm married to the idea. I plan on using it... but I had to find a way to wrap some other things up as well. SO... this chapter, plus one more, and then the epilogue. I'm sorry but it just feels right this way and I'm not going to compromise. Perhaps in the not too distant future I will write the outtakes that I've discussed with several of you followed by a sequel but this particular story is closing very soon. Put me on Author Alert for those.**

**Beta'd by LadyRip**

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Waking up as a vampire was beyond overwhelming. I lay on the exam table enjoying the sensation of nothingness after experiencing just over two days of burning only to be startled by a loud rustling sound that I couldn't place. I drew in a deep breath, and it felt wrong. There was suddenly no rhythm to my body; there was no need to breathe in and out. I noticed that the air not only smelled stronger but also had a flavor. I moved my teeth over my tongue to scrape off the taste and got another shock; my teeth were sharp! They assaulted the nerve endings on my tongue. I jumped slightly and opened my eyes only to close them again.

I remembered the room being moderately dim, but it was suddenly bright. The colors were more vivid and somehow painful. My brain felt like it was swimming. The closest human experience that I can equate it to is having a migraine. Every sensation was more intense to the point of being distracting. So, I lay there with my eyes closed and breathed in the strange scented air.

"Bella?" A velvety smooth voice caressed my ears. The voice was familiar, and I placed it as Edward's, but it held an additional tone, like hearing a song with its harmony versus just the melody. It was a rich, full sound that I wasn't accustomed to hearing from him.

"Yes." I responded automatically before clamping a hand over my mouth in shock. My voice was somehow prettier; like Edwards, it resonated with a much richer sound, but it was also more appealing in general. A simple word sounded like music.

"Alice, be patient, she's still trying to adjust." I identified the second voice as Jasper. I sensed that he stood behind Edward but a few feet in front of the door.

"Take your time, Bella." Edward stepped closer. His pant legs brushed each other and made a slight whisking sound. I marveled that not only could I hear that, but I heard his shoes bend and the rubber settle as he stepped back down onto the floor. He was close, and his scent filled my nose. It was strong enough that he was all I could smell.

A warm hand touched my cheek, and I reacted instinctively. I swiped the hand away and rolled to the other side of the table before assuming a crouch. A low rumble echoed through my chest, and I opened my eyes. My next breath caught in my throat in shock. I hadn't thought about anything that I had just done. Edward stood across the table from me with his arms held up. Jasper crouched behind him.

"It's a bit disconcerting, isn't it?" Emmett laughed. He stood about a foot behind Jasper with his arms crossed over his chest. I didn't answer. My new voice frightened me, and I needed to get a grip on myself before getting startled again.

"Bella, do you remember what happened?" Edward floated gracefully around the table with his hands up. I backed up slightly, and he looked at Jasper who straightened slightly and nodded to him. "I'm not going to hurt you."

That made no sense to me; of course he wasn't going to hurt me. Why would I think that he was going to hurt me? My feet kept moving backwards without my permission. I tried to plant myself and remain still.

"Do you remember anything?" Edward asked again, and I nodded. I stared into his eyes and felt myself sink into them. They were a deep gold, but what I had never noticed with my human eyes was the slight variation in color that was now readily apparent. His eyes were a complex variation of shades of gold overlaid on top of each other. He moved his hand very slowly from his side, and I moved my head to watch it. I found the way my body moved to be frightening. All movement seemed to happen in the same moment that I considered it.

"I know that this is all new and scary and you're being bombarded by all kinds of signals that you're not used to catching, but you need to try to focus." His hand continued to move until it stopped a hair's breadth from my cheek. He took a breath and closed the rest of the distance. His touch felt different. He was no longer cold, but the electrical hum that existed between our bodies was still there. It was different and the same. I tilted my head slightly and tried to move my hand slowly and consciously up to his cheek. I touched the soft skin there, and a smile crept onto my lips. Edward was soft and warm. We were the same.

"Are you ready to try talking again? Jasper thinks you're afraid of your own voice." He smiled as his thumb brushed my cheek.

"It's different," I whispered.

"You'll get used to it." He continued to talk, but I was comparing my hand to his cheek by rubbing tiny circles into it with my thumb. "Bella?"

"Huh?" I shook my head.

"Bella," Edward smiled, his gleaming, "everyone else wants to say hello. Jasper thinks that you're calm enough. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, sorry." I bit my lip and cringed because it actually hurt.

"Your teeth are sharper now." Edward grimaced and ran a finger along my lower lip. "They're waiting, love," he whispered.

I turned a bit too quickly for my own comfort and took in my family. Jasper and Emmett hadn't moved except to adjust their stance slightly to be less aggressive. Jasper straightened a little further, and I smiled at him. Emmett's face broke into an ear-to-ear grin as he pushed past Jasper, then Edward to wrap me in a bear hug. For once, I hugged Emmett and didn't have difficulty breathing. I squeezed back, and Emmett grunted before dropping me and rubbing his arms.

"Too hard?" I cocked my head and giggled at the puzzled look on his face.

"You and me in the backyard later; we're going to spar."

"You're on." I punched his shoulder, and he winced before he stepped out of the way for Jasper.

I assessed Jasper more closely than I had before and felt my body instinctively tense for a fight. I shook my head to clear the need to jump at him. Jasper's skin had a complex hatch pattern of vampire bites covering it. He looked simultaneously beautiful and dangerous. I pulled a breath in and let it out and forced my muscles to relax. He seemed amused. Jasper smiled and gave me a quick hug because Alice was bouncing behind him. She nearly toppled me over when she bounced into my arms. Edward found that particularly funny, he laughing and ruffling her hair when she let go of me.

"Edward wouldn't let me put you in a nicer dress," she whispered.

"This one's fine, Alice. I like it." I ran my fingers across the fabric again and looked down. It was a royal blue wrap dress made out of a soft cotton-jersey that felt like a cloud. "I'll put the other one on later, okay?"

"Alright." She hummed.

Rosalie surprised me with a big hug. She even managed to force a smile.

"I'm sorry," Esme whispered into my ear. I grabbed her shoulders to keep her from escaping.

"Esme, I asked you for this. This is what I wanted. If you had let me die, then you would have something to apologize for, but, as is, I'm happy. You should be, too." I smiled at her and was rewarded with a warm, very motherly grin.

"We're glad to have you back." Carlisle embraced me so enthusiastically that he picked me up like a child and kissed my forehead like I was a little girl before setting me back on my feet.

"It's good to be back." I laughed, and it sounded like music. My hand clapped over my mouth again. This caused a chorus of laughter to erupt around me. Edward let Carlisle pass and resumed his position in front of me. With his eyes twinkling, he peeled my hand from my mouth.

"Don't you dare..." He hummed. "I've waited too long to hear you laugh again." My laughter slowed as I considered when the last time I had really laughed had been. My human memories were too vague and fuzzy to truly recall when exactly that had been. I was positive that I had laughed with Emmett, but maybe Edward hadn't been there.

"How are you feeling?" Carlisle's hand sat on my shoulder. I took a quick assessment of my body and noticed that something was missing. I cocked my head slightly and dropped into a squat. A smile spread from one side of my face to the other. I popped up and brought my right knee all the way to my chest. I dropped my leg and leaned way over to the left, stretching out my right side. There was no pain.

"I don't hurt." I turned to Carlisle and practically bounced up and down. "The pain is completely gone!" My eyes stung and I coughed out a sob. I looked down at my knee and the scar was no longer present. I really wanted to look at my side, but upon further inspection I couldn't look without untying my dress, and I didn't want to expose myself to everyone. So, I ran a hand down my side on the outside of the dress, and the skin under the fabric seemed smooth. I twirled, and Edward wrapped his arms around me. A vain part of me was overjoyed that I no longer carried the scars that I had received years before, but a smaller part regretted that I no longer had them to remind me of the pain I caused. It seemed unfair that I should be given a second chance.

"You're perfect; you always have been," Edward whispered for my ears only. "Perhaps now you'll understand that you are." I pulled him tightly into my arms and smiled against his cheek.

Carlisle cleared his throat. "Bella, are you thirsty?"

I stopped for a moment and scrunched my eyebrows together. I didn't know what thirsty felt like. My mouth didn't feel dry, but my throat burned.

"Does thirsty burn?" I was a bit apprehensive. I thought about the sensation, and my hand clamped itself down over my neck.

"Come on, let's hunt." Edward laughed. Emmett boomed in agreement from behind me, and I laughed again. "Are you coming, Jasper?" Edward looked over my shoulder.

"I'll catch up," he responded. I started to head for the door, but Emmett blocked my path.

"Are you sure that you want to take the stairs?" He smirked.

"How else would I get out of the house?" I placed my hands on my hips.

"Emmett thinks that you should use the window." Edward's voice was dead serious, but I couldn't help but chuckle.

"The window?" I turned to Edward.

"It's fun..." Emmett sang. I caught a glimpse of Rosalie out of the corner of my eye. She shook her head at Emmett.

"Certain males in the family seem to lack the ability to use a door," Rosalie explained.

"Come on, let's jump out the window!" Emmett bounced on his toes and bounded across the room. He grabbed my hand as he passed and pulled me with him.

"Edward?" I looked over my shoulder only to find him right next to me.

"I'm afraid that if we don't jump out the window, he'll explode."

"Come on, Bella." I bit my lip again and stepped up on the ledge with Emmett. He had already thrown the window open and begun to lean out. He released my hand before diving backwards and doing a flip before landing with a soft thud on the ground.

"Together?" Edward slipped his hand in mine. I squeezed it for reassurance. He stepped up on the ledge and shot me a crooked grin. He nodded and we stepped off. I focused on his feet as we fell and positioned mine exactly like his. We touched down without making a sound.

A new array of smells washed over me. Pine and dirt and the musty scent of ferns and mushrooms filled my nose. I could isolate and identify each smell. I smelled a whiff of rust and wrote it off as belonging to the garage. I drank in the fresh air and looked at the trees. I could see the texture on tree trunks with perfect clarity from twenty feet away. My mouth dropped open, and I gasped slightly. There were subtle variations in the shades of brown and gray of the trees that I knew I wouldn't have seen even from up close before.

"It's a different world than the one you left, isn't it?" Edward squeezed my hand and started to pull me toward the trees.

"Do you know what I think we should do?" I batted my eyelashes.

"Of course not. I still can't hear your thoughts."

"That's a relief. I'd hate to think that being changed made me less of a freak." I smirked. "I think that we should race." I dropped his hand and ran away from him. The trees flew past me, and I noted the details of each of them with perfect clarity as they whizzed behind me. Their leaves were translucent and green with edges that hinted at a slight change in color for fall. It seemed early for the leaves to show any change, but it occurred to me that the difference in color was so slight that a human would never notice it. I squealed with delight and pushed my bare feet further into the soil. It was like being a little kid. I skipped or bounded more than I ran. The rust smell intensified, and I looked around for something metal.

"Bella!" I heard Edward and then Emmett shout from behind me. A peel of laughter rang from my lips and bounced off of the trees back to them.

I noticed a change in the trees ahead; they were suddenly sparse. Through the canopy of trees I could tell that clouds still covered the sky, so I continued running. The burn in my throat intensified the closer I got to the edge of the woods and the rusty smell seemed to accompany it. I hadn't considered that I could be running toward something other than more trees.

Edward caught me around the waist just as I reached the edge of the woods and jerked me back. I whipped my head around and sensed that something was wrong. He wasn't breathing.

"Do you have her?" Emmett came barreling through the trees behind us.

"What's wrong?" I shook my head and tried to clear the rusty smell from my nose by burying it in Edward's shoulder. His scent couldn't overpower it.

"Blood, Bella -" Emmett cut himself off when he looked at me.

"There's a child over there with a skinned knee."

Edward indicated a swing set that stood about fifteen yards from us. It was next to a large white house and presumably belonged to the little boy who sat on the ground next to it. I removed Edward's hands from my waist and took a step closer to the child. He sniffled and rubbed his face in an attempt not to cry.

"Bella!" Emmett warned.

"I'm fine." I called over my shoulder, but Edward grabbed my hand.

"No, Bella, you're a newborn; you can't," he explained.

"But he's hurt," I whined.

"His parents are in the house, and his mother is coming outside now." Edward attempted to reason with me. I was confused, and it obviously showed on my face. "Listen, I don't know how you're resisting his blood at this distance, but let's not chance it by getting any closer."

I stopped dead in my tracks. Was I too close? Would the boy's blood tempt me? I backed up a few steps and decided to listen to reason just as Jasper appeared out of nowhere and gave me an unnecessary shot of calm. I continued to back up before turning and running hand in hand with Edward in a new direction.

"You weren't going to attack him, were you?" Jasper caught up with us.

"I don't think so."

"Wait." Edward pulled me to a stop. "You weren't going to feed off of him?"

"I hadn't really considered it an option." I took my hand back and twisted my fingers together.

"Are we going to go hunting, or are we having a party in the woods?" Emmett stopped next to me.

"Didn't he smell good to you?" Edward cocked his head.

"I smelled blood, but it didn't smell any different than it did when I was human."

"She could smell blood as a human?" Emmett piped up, and Edward nodded. "Sweet."

"Wasn't your throat burning?" Jasper took a step closer to me.

"Yeah, it was pretty intense, but he looked like he needed help." Jasper and Edward were scaring me.

"It's okay, Bella. We're just trying to figure out what happened," Jasper explained.

"Is there something wrong with me?"

"No, there's nothing wrong with you. Let's just get you fed." Edward kissed my forehead and took my hand.

The wind shifted before we took a step; it carried an unfamiliar smell. Initially, I gagged at the new pungent introduction to my senses. It smelled like singed hair, and body odor, and wet dog. I covered my mouth with my hand.

"What is that stench?" My stomach heaved, and I stumbled a few steps away from Edward.

"It's werewolf," Edward explained through gritted teeth.

"Oh, wow!" I fanned in front of my nose. "That is really strong! I take back every complaint I've made this week about having to shower more often than usual."

"It's not that bad, Bella." Emmett quirked an eyebrow at me.

"Are we smelling the same thing?" I asked.

"Be polite; they can hear you," Edward warned.

"Are you sure that this is wise?" Jasper laid a hand on Edward's shoulder. "She hasn't fed yet. I know that she just resisted feeding off of that little boy, but who knows what she's going to do around a couple of werewolves."

"That's what you're here for isn't it, Jasper?" Emmett crossed his arms and stood between me and the approaching smell. I pulled myself together and prepared for the smell to get stronger.

"I don't like it." Jasper stiffened and took a position next to Emmett. The two formed a wall between me and the wolves when they appeared through the trees.

The trees were older in this section of the forest, and we had a little more space around us. The large trunks supported a network of branches that blocked the sun enough to prevent much undergrowth from springing up. I tried to focus on the scent of leaves and bark and dirt in order to ignore the scent of the wolves. I brought my head back down from staring at the iridescent green blanket above us and looked at our company. A smile played on my lips; Sam brought Embry with him.

My still heart leapt for a moment until I moved closer and felt the hair on the back of my neck rise. An unfamiliar instinctive reaction took me, and I couldn't stop the low rumbling growl that built up in my chest. Edward's arm immediately wrapped around me. He was both restraining and comforting me.

"Sam, she isn't ready," Jasper stated. "She hasn't fed yet."

"He's not going to shift. I'm going to have to translate," Edward sighed. He was a bit put out.

"It would be easier for Bella to control herself if you were human," Jasper suggested.

"Sam, she just resisted a bleeding child. I think that you would be safer out of your wolf-form. She's stronger than any of us, and she's struggling with me right now." It didn't occur to me that I was the cause of the constant movement that I had been experiencing since I growled. Truthfully, I had barely noticed it. I took a deep breath and stilled myself. Edward's arms didn't relax, but he released a breath.

Sam and Embry looked at each other before turning around. I turned to face Edward to give them some privacy. A ripping sound rang out from behind me, the sound of the wolves shifting was louder than I remembered. I tensed and Edward rubbed circles into the tops of my arms. I heard both men slide on their shorts and turned around after the sound of rustling fabric ceased.

"Are you alright, Bella?" Sam looked past Jasper and Emmett to address me.

"I'm doing well. I'm a bit uncomfortable at the moment. You don't smell appetizing, but it feels like my throat and chest are on fire." I fanned my hand a bit before deciding that it was a futile effort and rested the hand on my chest instead.

"I'm sorry, we wouldn't bother you so soon, but I'm needed back at La Push." Sam took in a deep breath. "I need to hear some facts directly from you, and there is some business with the treaty to resolve."

"The treaty?" I looked at Edward over my shoulder.

"No, Sam, we haven't had a chance to discuss anything with her. She's under an hour old." Edward leaned into me and explained, "Your transformation was technically a breach of the treaty." I panicked, and Jasper looked over his shoulder before calming me down. "Relax, love, no one wants a war." Edward tightened his grip on me.

"Edward is right; we do not want a war," Sam spoke. "I do need to make sure that this was done with your consent and in your best interest," he paused. "Were you fatally injured?"

"I believe so, but it's hard to be positive." I closed my eyes and reviewed the memory. It was like watching through a dirty window or murky water. The sights and sounds weren't clear. "I had already hurt myself pretty badly earlier in the day." I closed my eyes to see the image better. "Carlisle was somehow injured?" I stopped and looked to Edward and then Jasper. "How is that possible?"

"Adrianna," Jasper explained. "If she touches someone, she can temporarily suspend communication between the brain and the body. It's like a partial shutdown of the nervous system. It incapacitates vampires and kills humans, but much like Alice's ability, werewolves seem to be immune. Rachel ripped her apart with her teeth and was unaffected."

I nodded and closed my eyes again. "I ran to help him and got knocked to the ground..."

"Actually, Adrianna threw you," Edward corrected me.

"I couldn't breathe properly, and Esme has no medical experience." I opened my eyes to look at Sam. "I asked her to change me, but she refused."

"She changed her mind when Bella's heartbeat started to weaken. We assume that her spine was injured and that at least two ribs were broken when she hit. Her lungs were perforated. Even if it had been myself or Carlisle at Bella's side, any measure we took to help her in a non-sterile environment would most likely have resulted in infection. The prognosis was bad any way we looked at it." Edward finished my story.

"I also need to know how Brady died and what the overall outcome of the battle was. I have heard second hand from Edward, but I would like Jasper's account of his death for the pack and his family."

Something clicked in my brain. Jasper fought alongside of Brady. Brady died after the first fight. Jasper came to me at the warehouse after that fight and didn't bother to tell me that my friend had died. My body tensed, and I felt something change. I no longer remembered who held me. The offending arms were immediately swept off and the form behind me hurled away. Sam and Embry phased in front of me, and Emmett turned. Jasper didn't sense the danger behind him. I shoved Emmett and rounded on Jasper.

"You knew that he was dead when we started talking, didn't you?"

"Yes, Bella, I knew. My focus was on getting you back to the family alive though, and knowing wouldn't have helped you survive." He held his hands up in front of him. "Stay back and let me handle her." He looked at Sam and Embry who were attempting to flank me from behind.

"Didn't you think that I had a right to know?" I spat.

"Calm down." Edward put a hand on my shoulder, and I quickly shrugged it off.

"No, I will not calm down." I growled and stalked toward Jasper.

"Jasper-" Edward warned.

"I can't even sense her emotions, Edward. She's like a blank; I can't calm her down." He shrugged. I sank into a crouch, and he mimicked me.

"Bella-"

"Stay out of this, Edward." I continued my advance. Edward grabbed at my shoulder again, and I threw him off of me.

"You don't really want to fight me, Bella." Jasper warned in a calm voice.

"I think I do." I growled and began to circle with him.

"Bella, you're going to regret this later." He made direct eye contact, and I could feel something irritating the back of my neck, like the brush of a feather. It sent me over the edge, and I lunged. Jasper dodged, and I regained my footing before hitting the ground. I rounded on him again.

"Edward, stay back!" Jasper gritted his teeth while I advanced again. I could hear Edward moving behind me.

"Sam, Emmett, keep him away. She'll hurt him." Jasper looked over my shoulder, and I took the opportunity to charge. He grabbed both of my arms, locked them into my chest and angled my head away from him. "Bella the fact that you're stronger than me isn't going to help you win this fight. I can still throw you around like a rag-doll." He growled.

I twisted and flipped him to the ground before stepping on his shoulder. Jasper sneered and caught my foot. He swiftly twisted at the ankle. I lost my balance and fell to the ground beside him. The sensation was strange; I gasped for air even though I knew that I didn't need it.

"She's fine, Edward. I just had to distract her enough to keep her from blocking me." Jasper called over his shoulder. He was irritated, but I was suddenly calm.

"Blocking you?" I turned my head to him and breathed.

"I tried to calm you down, but I couldn't. It was like I was hitting a wall, and I couldn't feel you." Jasper jumped to a standing position and offered me a hand. "I think that you're going to have to learn to control your emotions on your own."

I nodded. Leaves and dirt embedded themselves into my hair with the motion. I still couldn't find a reason for being so angry with Jasper. It seemed pointless. However, what really bugged me was that he couldn't affect my emotions when I was angry. The one thing that I had counted on having help with would be the one thing I had to face alone.


	20. Chapter 20 Time

**An: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer, in case you forgot.**

**Beta'd by LadyRip  
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**Music: Cowboy Mouth, "Run to Me"**

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I took his hand and pulled myself up to stand. Edward floated to my side and began studying me. It was obvious that he was looking for injuries; his face was twisted with concern. His hands elicited a surge of emotion as he ran them down my arms. Jasper laughed behind his hand, and if I could have blushed, I would have.

"I'm fine, Edward. I just lost control." I smiled at him. "Jasper was much more gentle with me than I deserved. I'm more concerned about you."

"I've had worse." He shrugged.

"I'm so sorry. Are you sure that I didn't hurt you?" I ran my hands along his shoulders and back but couldn't feel anything out of place.

"Don't worry about it; you didn't hurt anyone."

"Thanks to Jasper." My heart sank. I couldn't figure out why I charged him.

Sam moved, and I lifted my head. He was still in wolf form, and his large brown eyes met mine from across his nose. I approached him slowly.

"I'm in control now, Sam. I'm sorry, this is... Well, it's a lot to get used to."

"He understands, but he prefers to speak through me for the time being." Edward spoke up from behind me. My eyes stung, and I gave Sam a half smile.

"When does this get easier?" I turned to Jasper.

"It's different for everyone. You need time. You're a newborn, Bella. This is to be expected."

"Be patient." Edward rested his arm on my shoulder and kissed my forehead. I breathed him in and steadied my nerves before turning back to Sam. He waited patiently for me to talk to him.

"There are more things to discuss." Edward's tone of voice changed, and he indicated that he was speaking for Sam.

I nodded.

"The pack and the tribe regret the circumstances that caused you to move away from La Push. We understand that you feel responsible for what happened; we also know that you felt unwelcome. You have endured enough. We have granted a one-time exception to the treaty to Esme Cullen, your creator. No action shall be brought against her for her transgression."

I breathed a sigh of relief, and Edward smiled at me. He had already known that war had been averted.

"We would also like to extend the treaty to you with some addendums. In honor of your relationship with Jacob and Billy Black, regardless of your status as a vampire, you will be permitted on our lands with pack supervision. In return, we ask that you remain with the Cullen family until you are able to control your actions and emotions, and that you limit your contact with Charlie Swan to phone and e-mail should you choose to maintain a relationship with him. You are also not permitted to return to the area until Carlisle Cullen has documented that you have shown sufficient control. It is our hope that you will gain control quickly and will refrain from injuring or feeding from any human. However, an exception will be made for any mistakes that you make for a three-year period, starting today."

I looked to Sam and then Embry in disbelief.

"No one blames you for anything that has happened, Bella." It was hard for me to believe that Edward spoke Sam's words and not his own. "We know that you would never intentionally put anyone in danger. It's time that you moved on."

I fought with my heart before speaking. It sat still and motionless like a rock in my chest. "Sam, Jacob was my fault, if I hadn't..."

"No," Sam barked while Edward translated. "Jacob, Seth, Brady, Paul... all of us made our choice to defend you regardless of how you came to be in trouble. If you had stayed instead of running perhaps we could have talked about this before. You are not responsible for our decisions, and if you had left or given yourself up, we would have fought anyway. We would have done that much for anyone."

"But Jake in the very least..."

"Bella, he knew before that night. Jacob Black always knew that you would never be completely his."

A tremor shook me, and I sat down on the forest floor. The cold realization that Jacob knowingly threw himself away for an eighteen-year-old girl who would never love him as much as he loved her dawned on me. I pulled my knees to my chest, and Jasper eyed me appraisingly. I shook my head to keep him from altering my emotions. My eyes stung, and I wanted to weep, but I was unable.

"Embry wants you to know that Jacob told him as much, days before the attack," Edward spoke in his own voice. He used a hushed tone and knelt down beside me. "He knew that no matter what, the best that he could hope for was to keep you alive and well. At first he thought that he could make you happy, but before the end he knew that it was a dream. You were too far-gone. He had already given up by the time you argued with him the morning of the battle. He was irritated and angry, and he regretted those words as soon as he left your tent, but he didn't know how to tell you."

"Why didn't you tell me?" My body trembled again.

"Bella?" Jasper asked.

"I'm in control," I sobbed.

"You shut down, Bells; we didn't know how hard you had taken his death until you destroyed his car, and by then you were near catatonic again. No one wanted a repeat of..."

Edward looked up, "It's fine Embry. I'll tell her."

"No one wanted a repeat of what happened when the Cullens left and Sam found you in the woods. We were afraid to bring it up, particularly the argument. I'm sorry that I didn't say something sooner, but you haven't returned anyone's phone calls other than Quil's in years. We thought that you had moved on." Embry took a careful step forward. "For my part, I am sorry." He bowed his large head.

"There's nothing to forgive, Embry."

"Then you need to afford yourself the same luxury."

"Are you blackmailing me into forgiving myself?"

"Would it work?"

"Probably not." I collected myself off of the ground and straightened my dress. "I will try to move on, Embry."

"Bells, if Jake were here, he would want you to be happy." Embry looked me in the eye. "Just remember that. He wanted you to have a chance to be happy again. So don't blow it."

I smiled, and Embry barked a laugh.

"We need to leave." Edward's voice shifted indicating that he was speaking for Sam. "Do you accept the treaty and the modifications as we've laid them out?"

"Yes."

"Then we will leave you to hunt in peace. Please visit when you are able." Sam and Embry gave me a nod before retreating the way that they came. Edward wrapped his arms around me as I watched my friends leave.

"Edward, Jasper, I'm -"

"Don't be," Jasper scoffed. "Your heart wasn't in attacking me. Face it, you're too tame, little sister."

"Do I have to add you to the backyard brawl list? I'm already planning on facing off with Emmett."

"Ooooooh, I do believe that I can handle anything you can dish out, little missy," Jasper teased. "But for now, we need to get you fed."

I looked to Edward, and he indicated for me to lead the way. We set off into the forest again but didn't make it far before he pulled me to a stop. Jasper and Emmett hadn't caught up with us, but I smelled something and instinctively went to follow it. Edward's head snapped up, and he sniffed the air. I turned to him, and he waved at me to go ahead. I let my instincts draw me to the smell. There were several distinct hearts beating, but I went for the closest. My mind barely registered what I was doing when I jumped onto a deer and knocked it to the ground and sank my teeth into its neck.

I looked up when I finished and found Jasper, Edward, and Emmett applauding me. Emmett gestured at his face, and I scrubbed the back of my hand across my mouth. It came back red. I looked down and inspected my dress; I was shocked to find it still mostly clean and hanging undisturbed around my body. There were a few smudges of dirt, but I suspected that they weren't from hunting.

"Not bad for your first try." Emmett smiled. "Let's see if we can find a bear." His eyes sparkled with excitement.

"I don't think that finding a bear will be necessary." Edward turned to his brother with his eyebrows raised.

"Oh, come on, Edward..." Emmett folded his hands in front of him.

"Bella does not need to take down a bear on her first hunt."

"But it'd be cool," Jasper sang.

"Jasper, you are not helping matters!"

"Do you think that I could really take down a bear?" I asked Emmett who nodded aggressively. "Well, let's go find one. I'm still thirsty."

"Bella!" Edward caught my hand.

"Jasper, can Alice take down a bear?" I appealed for help.

"Of course," he scoffed.

"I'm also bigger and stronger than Alice, right?" I grinned, and Edward gulped at my logic. Jasper gave a gentlemanly nod. "So, it would be logical to assume that I should be able to bag a bear, yes?"

"Heck yeah!" Emmett cheered.

"I think that you've been outvoted, love." I smiled sweetly and kissed Edwards smooth cheek. He leaned on a tree with his mouth agape like a fish.

"Ya know what, I kind of like the new and improved Bella." Emmett slapped his brother on the back. Jasper failed to conceal a chuckle, and Edward pulled himself together enough to shoot him a nasty look.

"Why don't you guys go on, and Edward and I will catch up with you?"

Fortunately Jasper took the hint. He practically dragged Emmett with him. I closed the distance between Edward and myself in a couple of hesitant strides. He still smelled like lilacs and honey. I breathed in and hummed involuntarily. When the others were out of earshot, I wrapped my arms around his neck and stared into his eyes.

"Hey," I tried to get his attention, but he dropped his eyes to the ground. I bent my knees to duck down into his eye line. "Edward?" I stood up slowly and crooked my index finger around his chin to bring his face up to look at me. "Is there a problem?"

"This is going to be a big adjustment." He mumbled.

"Adjustment?" I asked.

"I'm just not used to you being so independent, and strong, and graceful." He shook his head. "In some ways it's like you're back to who you were before I messed everything up but in other ways... I just don't know what to do."

"Listen, I know that our situation is somewhat less than ideal, but I thought that you wanted..." I took a breath, "I thought that you wanted this: the two of us, together for eternity..."

"Bella..." The way he said my name made my knees weak. "You don't understand. This is what I want. I'm relieved that we can be together now and I don't have to worry about hurting you and that you're never going to die again. That's not the problem -"

"Well, what is the problem, Edward, because you sure don't seem to be embracing this?" I let my temper get the better of me and kicked a dent into the tree next to me. It creaked in protest, and I got down on my knees to examine it. An almost perfectly foot-shaped dent marred the surface.

"It's just hard for me. You don't need me like you used to," he tried to explain.

"I don't need rescuing, but I still need you. I will always need you, Edward." I looked up from the dent and locked eyes with him. "If I thought otherwise, I wouldn't have asked Esme to bite me. It's not just that I didn't want to die. I wanted to be with you, to have more time with you. Now, we have nothing but time."

"And the desperate need to find you a bear." He crouched down next to me and held my face in his hands.

"I don't have to find a bear today if it makes you uncomfortable."

"Are you still thirsty?" He tilted our foreheads together. I felt like I could fall straight into him and never stop.

"Hmmmmm... I could be easily distracted." I winked.

"Bella, I might not be able to read your mind, but I can tell you that _that_ is not going to happen here and now." He leaned away and released my face before he stood back up. I groaned and followed him.

"I don't see why not-"

"Well, we've only been back in each other's lives for a week. Don't you think that it's a bit too soon?" He arched a perfect eyebrow at me.

"Kill joy." I sighed. "I don't know how you do it..." Just standing near him made me want to find interesting ways of distracting him.

"Do what?"

"That perfect self-control of yours. For the record, I hate it." I folded my arms and stared at him.

"You think that my self-control is perfect?" His tone and stance changed. "You think that it's not hard for me." Edward advanced on me like a predator. It only took a moment for him to back me up against the tree. I closed my eyes briefly and savored his scent and the feel of the electrical current that pulsed around us. I felt rather than saw his hands rest on either side of my body. "It's taking all of the self-discipline that I've built up over the last hundred years to be a gentleman right now."

"What if I don't want you to be a gentleman?" I shivered.

"Oh, Bella, if I knew that you were saying that for a reason other than the fact that you're a newborn-"

"I wanted to before-"

"No, Bella, not like this." He let his cheek rest against mine. "Please just wait and we'll do things properly."

"Properly." I shook my head. "We're vampires, Edward. What do you mean by properly?" He sighed and pulled away. I had a moment to think before he gave me an answer, and my eyes snapped open with a realization. "The rules." I declared.

"What about the rules?" He looked suspicious.

"They weren't just about protecting me from your teeth and your venom." The idea was absurd, but it was the only explanation for his behavior. "You were concerned about your virtue." A weak laugh escaped from my lips. "I can't believe that I didn't see this before..." I let my head fall back into the tree. "All this time I thought that it was because I was a human, but that was just a convenient excuse!"

"Not entirely, and it's not my virtue I'm worried about woman. It's yours that concerns me." He crossed his arms and turned away.

"Really?"

"Yes, really." He exaggerated the words to mock my tone.

"What if I'm not concerned?" I tried to sneak up behind him, and he took a step to the side.

"Bella, some people would consider what I'm doing chivalrous or romantic."

"I'm not some people," I corrected him.

"I know." He groaned.

"So... in order for things to progress beyond kissing... you would want...?" I prompted him.

"Bella." He sighed.

"Edward," I insisted.

"I would want you to marry me, but we're obviously not at a point in our relationship where that can happen, are we?"

"Probably not... Although, I did just become a vampire for you so I think that that trumps marriage." I wrinkled my nose just a bit.

"Nice try."

"Ed-ward."

"Bel-la."

"You're not going to give in are you?" I leaned in to a tree.

"I've waited for a hundred years." He approached me again and leaned his head in dangerously close to mine. Our mouths were nearly touching. "I can wait however long we need to in order to do this right."

"I'm stronger than you."

"I'm saying no, Bella," he sighed, "not today."

I felt him relax slightly and I snaked one arm around his waist and the other over his shoulder into his hair. I smiled wickedly and pulled his mouth down the extra quarter of an inch to meet mine. Our mouths moved together, and a slow burn crept from my chest out to the rest of my body. I pulled him closer and tried to fuse our bodies together. I felt a rumble build in his chest, and I knew I was winning. His arms finally wrapped around my body, and he reciprocated by pulling me closer. I made a decision to try for more and forced his lips open. This was new territory because I had never been allowed this kind of access for my own safety. He allowed it now, and I had to focus to keep the smile on my face from ending the kiss. I pushed my mouth hard into his and explored him. Too soon, he pulled my arms away. I tried to fight, but he had moved my arms off of him and into an inconvenient position before I realized what was happening. He used my own force against his arms to push off and break his lips from mine.

"Enough." He held my arms out from my body at an awkward angle, and I fought with him. Logic followed that, being a newborn, I should be able to break his grip and pull him back to me. However, Edward was too knowledgeable for that. He knew how to move so that he had the maximum amount of leverage on my arms.

"Fine." I growled and ripped my arms down out of his grasp. I folded my arms and turned away before walking to the other side of the tree. I consciously knew that he wasn't rejecting me; the timing was just wrong. Edward was trying to be descent and give our relationship and us the time that we needed to grow into something stronger. Emotionally, it felt a lot like rejection only intensified because I was a vampire and every emotion was intense and difficult to control. He gave me a minute on my own before following me.

"I'm not refusing because I'm disinterested." He carefully placed a hand on my shoulder.

"I know." My chest shook.

"Look at me," he pleaded.

"I can't." If I turned and looked at him, my heart would break. I loved him. I wanted him in the worst possible way, but it seemed that his feelings weren't as strong. I attempted to reign in my train of thought because I knew that it was ridiculous, but I knew that I wasn't enough. I knew that I was terrible for using Jacob and that I had already received much more out of life than I deserved. There were too many second chances, and those had to come with a price. Perhaps this was it. I would spend forever in love with someone who loved me but not as strongly as I loved him. The parallel to my relationship with Jake didn't escape me, and I let out a bitter laugh. A gulp of air got caught in my chest, and I let it out in a pained gasp.

"No, you're going to listen to me, Bella." His other hand closed around the opposite shoulder. "I will say this as often as I need to but you are going to listen to it..." He tried to turn me around, and I locked my feet down into the ground. Whatever he had to say was sure to be painful. "You. Will. Listen. To. Me." He picked me up off of my feet and turned my body to face him. "I love you. I want you. You becoming a vampire hasn't changed that."

"Then why are you acting like this?" I momentarily stopped fighting him and let him pull my chin up so that he could see my eyes.

"I'm..." He started but then turned away for a second. A small ray of sunlight came through the canopy of leaves overhead and shined on his arm. The light refracted off of his skin. I slowly moved my palm into the beam of light and watched the same refraction on my own skin. He turned back and looked down at my hand.

"I'm waiting for us to be ready. You have to understand that physical intimacy changes a vampire, and you and I need to be emotionally healthy before we make that step. I want everything to be right when we do."

"If we do," I sighed.

"When. Please just be patient. I want everything to be right before we take the next step." He pulled me into a tight hug.

"You are aware that newborn vampires aren't exactly known for their patience, or their restraint..."

"Then let's just be thankful that our roles aren't reversed." He pulled back and smirked. "Now, let's go track down my brothers and find you a bear."

I slipped my hand into his and knew that this was the beginning of our lives together. This was how things should have been. We belonged side by side, hand in hand, as equals. I refused to delude myself into thinking that everything was going to be perfect because perfection doesn't exist. We were going to have to work through the pain, and it wouldn't be easy. However, we had all the time in the world to make things right again.


	21. Epilogue

**AN: So, this is the end of this potion of the story, not the end of the ride. I've continued this plotline in The Search. Thanks for reading!  
**

**Beta'd by LadyRip  
**

* * *

My initial reaction to the situation was anger. That in and of itself wasn't surprising. As a newborn vampire, it seemed that my reaction to most things was anger. It didn't take long for me to figure out how to reel my emotions back in from the edge though. Jasper helped talk me through it since it seemed like every time I got really angry, he couldn't sense my emotions. He said that everything just went blank. Carlisle hypothesized that I might have some natural ability to fend off the abilities of other vampires, but he hadn't had enough time to test it empirically.

Edward and Jasper sat me down at the kitchen table for a little talk. Apparently, they had some important information to share with me. That was when Jasper dropped the news on me.

"We failed to eliminate all of the members of the coven that kidnapped you," he said. Jasper's face was straight, but I initially thought that he had to be joking.

"Excuse me?" I asked. The Cullens were some of the most gifted vampires around, and I wasn't ignorant of that fact. Somehow they had let a threat slip through their fingers.

"Mark escaped," Edward explained.

"So, he's still out there?" I groaned.

"Yes, but we don't want you to panic. Alice is keeping an eye on him, and he's currently not a threat to you." Jasper reached across the table and put his hand on top of the one that held Edward's on the slick wood surface.

"I'm not exactly worried about him threatening_ me_," I clarified. "It just seems like we're always behind the eight ball, and there's always something around the corner to make life more difficult."

"But that's what makes it exciting!" Emmett's voice boomed from the living room, and I rolled my eyes.

"He's really glad to have you back." Edward smiled and chuckled a bit. I punched his arm, and he winced. I still couldn't control my strength.

"Did Charlie and Renee take all of my things?" I changed the subject.

"Yeah, they're keeping everything in your old bedroom in Forks. Alice is making a trip that way next week. If you need anything, she can sneak in and get it," Jasper volunteered.

I knew about Alice's trip and her latest vision. Edward was going to cave on fixing all of our problems before we took the next step in our relationship, and she wanted to be ready. So, like a good friend and psychic, Alice was going to Forks to retrieve a box of Edward's old things that held his mother's engagement ring and a wedding dress. My wedding dress. Apparently, several years ago Alice purchased the dress and hid it at the back of her closet in a sealed garment bag when she realized that Edward was going to leave me. It was going to require major alterations. She decided that it would be best to have it on hand and get started on the work since she knew that, once the ring was on my finger, the wedding would happen very quickly.

I must have smiled at Edward for a second too long or Jasper accidentally revealed my emotional state to him because I found myself nose to nose with Edward. He smirked and ran a hand down my cheek.

"I don't know what the two of you are doing, but rest assured, I will figure it out," he threatened. I didn't try to suppress a giggle. Alice actively kept him out of her thoughts with such regularity when it came to our relationship that he was unlikely to figure out what would be in that garment bag.

Knowing that he was going to cave in and ask me to marry him soon was a relief. If I thought that I was attracted to Edward Cullen before becoming a vampire, it was only because I had no clue that the physical draw to be near him would increase tenfold after the change. I loved him before, I was attracted to him, but this feeling that bubbled up whenever he touched me was pure unadulterated lust. If he was going to stick to his requirement that we get married, then it was going to have to be before we resolved every single relationship issue that we were experiencing.

I couldn't trust myself alone in a room with him. So, our plans to move to Siberia were on hold. Due to his Victorian morals, we were most definitely going to have to push that back. Perhaps if I teased him a little bit more often, I could get him to give in... I smirked at him and he raised an eyebrow.

"I don't think that you're going to figure this out. Alice is rather invested in keeping this particular secret of hers."

"She won't even tell me," Jasper added.

"Oh, I need to e-mail Renee. Does anyone want to help me? I'm supposed to be in Ireland this week." Edward and Carlisle filed a missing persons report as soon as we returned from my first hunt. Quil and Rachel backed up their story that, following our return from the ill-fated cliff diving trip, I came home and disappeared. Renee and Charlie both flew in and started looking for me. It soon became readily apparent that I would need to put them at ease without being able to find a body. So, I sent them each an e-mail saying that I was fine and that I just needed some time off from school. I told them that I would be backpacking across Europe and that I would be in touch. They seemed to take that better than the idea that something had happened to me. The only problem was that I had never been to Europe. So, I needed help making my e-mails sound convincing. My plan was to slowly phase them out making them further and further apart until my parents had to initiate contact. It seemed more like it would be a slow death, but perhaps they could handle that better.

"Wait until Esme gets back from the hardware store, she loves Ireland," Rosalie replied. She was playing a video game with Emmett.

"It looks like I have some free time," I murmured into Edward's ear, and Jasper made himself scarce. My new 'tease Edward into submission' plan would start that afternoon.

* * *

**End note:**

**For those who are disappointed that there's no lemon in this story, I will point you to the "T" rating. If you like that kind of thing and want one, I did write a lemon for Aleighy as a birthday present, you can find it on her profile.  
**


	22. The Search Preview

**A/n I'm working on the sequel to The TA / The Freshman and it will be interesting. The TA is being posted in a slightly more perfected version over at Twilighted. Feel free to check it out, there are some differences including the addition of a wonderful beta, Knitmo**

**As a reminder, "In the Dark" voting is supposed to occur this week AND Les Femmes Noires (hosted by some of my friends from UU) is still taking entries until November 15****th****. Some of you have read and reviewed my entry to In the Dark, Biological Compulsion, and asked if I'm going to continue it; I now plan to continue the story sometime after voting ends.**

Here's a preview of what's to come in the sequel to The TA:

She was gone. I didn't notice at first because Bella faded in and out of my visions over the past two months. She was practicing using her shield and I grew so accustomed to her appearances and disappearances that I missed it when she made the decision to leave. Edward was by my side before the revelation had completely sunk in. He grabbed my shaking hands and looked into my eyes.

_She's gone. I can't find her, _I thought for his benefit. I closed my eyes and threw my mind into the future to try again but I could only catch a faint shimmer of her. There wasn't enough information to do much other than confirm that she was still alive.

"Do you know why?" My brother leaned in the doorway opposite me.

_No, she's just gone,_ I replied.

"Is there a note?" He pushed off of the doorframe and moved into the room that he shared with his wife.

"I don't know, I only just discovered..."

"Let's not panic. Maybe she's just gone hunting or shopping?" He scoured every flat surface in the room searching for a note. Her scent was still strong in the air so it hadn't been long since she left.

"Shopping?" I asked. "She changed into a vampire, not a completely different person." I sighed and went to go check the garage for her motorcycle.

Jasper met me at the bottom of the stairs. His face was lined with worry.

"What's wrong?" He murmured.

"Bella," I offered only the one word in explanation that did more to puzzle Jasper than to clear up why I was worried.

"She's been awfully quiet today," Emmett spoke up from the couch.

"She's missing," I whispered. Emmett was on his feet and to the garage in a flash. He stormed back in with his eyebrows scrunched together and his fists clenched.

"The bike's gone," he declared.

"Did she say anything to either of you?" Edward's voice sounded from behind me.

"No, I haven't seen her all morning." Emmett shook his head.

"She doesn't come out of your room very often when you're gone. She likes to be alone so I don't bother her," Jasper explained.

"Was there a note?" I turned to Edward.

"No, but she took her saddle bags." He shook his head and ran his palms over his face before settling down on the steps. "Has she said anything to any of you? Has something been off lately?" He looked up at Jasper. "Jasper? What was that?"

"Alright, don't be mad. She told me that she'd tell you in her own time," my husband explained. "She's been depressed. She hid it exceedingly well but I assumed that it had to do with Charlie and Renee." He gave Edward an apologetic look. "You have to know that if I had thought that anything was out of the ordinary that I would have said something."

Edward uttered and expletive and I stared at Jasper. He and Bella had been keeping her feelings a secret not only from Edward but from me as well. It hurt.


End file.
